Friday, January 28, 2005

Barely Treading Water

So, lately I have been looking for a new job. I think that it is time that I step it up a little. Today was not a good day at work and I don't think that I will be there too much longer. If it were my choice I would be out of there by now. The other job I had my 2nd interview at fell through. I used to blame God and think that this is all a big game to him. But lately, through reading other blogs and trying to grow in my faith I have not placed blame. I didn't balme Him when I didn't get the job. I am not blaming Him today as I got in trouble. Today I found myself asking for Him to come to me. "Help me Lord. Help me Jesus, please, to get through this and to find a new job. Anything" Is what I found myself saying. As much as I want to blame someone I know that there is really no one to blame but myself. I need help. I need a new job. I need to heal with my injuries. The most important: I need to know that God has a plan and He will reveal it when the timing is right. I need to trust Him. It is just so darn hard sometimes, specially now.
I just can't seem to stop stupid crying and it is really starting to make me look and feel like an idiot. I hate crying. Not to mention that I am getting a wicked headache from it too. I think that it is time to go and lay down and try to relax. I will end up crying more but maybe it is what I need to do.
I know this all sounds sketchy and trivial to most, if not all, of you but it is something that I am needing to get off my chest. I need help spiritually, physically and mentally and I think that writing all this done for mostly strangers to read might help me to trust God and be patient. I need to keep praying but sometimes it feels like that is not enough.
So I am barely treading water at work and it scares the living crap out of me. I need to hang on though and start making steps to help myself. Smarten up!!! that's what I need to do. Sorry if I sound selfish, I am not meaning to be. I just don't know what to do anymore.
God help me to understand. God help me to heal. God help me to have faith. God help me.
"I want to see your face, shinning in it's glory, as we sing Holy, Holy, Holy"


Lori said...

Couldn't even count all the times I've barely tread water. At least we're all in the same pool! I'll remember you.

Miss-buggy said...

Thanks. I am just really starting to feel like I am drowning and sinking to the bottom ever so slowly. No matter how deep the pool.