Monday, November 20, 2006

Tired of it all

This is a vent. If any cares ;)

I am tired of it all. Tired of feeling alone when I am in a crowded room. Tired of wondering if I wasn't blogging would anyone care? Tired of feeling like I am just a boring person.
Just over all tired of everything.
People who I thought were friends seem to be non existent. Don't seem to want to be near me or around me anymore. Why? What did I do?
I started blogging a long time ago and didn't really get the point to it. Then I began to love doing it but am now at the point of wondering why I even bother. I am having a conversation with myself. Does anyone care? It is like if I don't bear a part of myself I don't matter. I have to dish the crap out first. Have been feeling this way for a while. Hence the reason why there are no insightful posts. Lost touch with that part of me.
My son is my life. I write about him a lot and it just seems like no one really cares about it and that is fine cause I am not doing it for you.
I always thought, if you don't like it don't read it. I guess that is where it is now. No one likes it so no one reads it so why do I bother anymore?
The people that I thought were friends just seem to want nothing to do with me. No matter how many times I reach out. I have been wanting to reach out to people but am tired of feeling like a burden and tired of feeling shuned. If you think this blog is about you you are probably wrong. You can send me an email and ask but you are probably wrong.
I understand how hectic life is, heck my kid is screaming to get up and I am not wanting to get him up cause these 6am wake up times are rediculous.
Why do I bother reaching out? Cause that is what God needs us to do. But I am tired of reaching out and feeling nothing but space. Do you care? Does it matter? I don't care anymore. I am done with it. I am just tired of it all. Want to find rest but that is just impossible. I don't want sympathy I don't want pity. Want to know how I am feeling? Here it is. Will probably end up being deleted like so many times before but this is where I am at and I hate it. I hate feeling like "another brick in the wall". I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish that when I reached out to some people I felt something back. I wish that when I reached for God too I felt His hand take mine. I can't feel it. What is wrong with me?
Just tired of it all.


Anonymous said...


James Goudie said...


Anonymous said...

i know you said this isn't about one person, but even if there's some responsibility, one to another in the blog world, then please forgive me for not being more attentive. being alone all day as the mother of a tiny one has got to be exhausting, with highs and lows and everything in between.

you're a great mom. i see it in your posts and your pictures and the happiness of that sweet little guy.

be encouraged today, friend. i'll be praying that you feel God's smile upon you as you continue to seek His face in all that you do.