You know, I have always been told during the hard circumstances and situations that one day I would be able to look back and see what God was preparing me for. It really does happen like that every time. In the situation I am frustrated and confused and scared etc. Who wouldn't be? I don't feel like God is there but I know deep down that He is.
I was hospitalized due to a break down at the end of April this year. I was there for 5 weeks. I felt SO much darkness in that ward and in my room and in my own heart. I felt like God wasn't there yet He kept sending me verses over and over.
I had people come to visit me that I didn't think ever would. Phil supported me and brought Cooper to me EVERY SINGLE night. Not missing even one night. Sometimes he would bring him by in the morning as well. It was heart breaking to not be with my family but I knew I had to be there for a season in order to get better.
The nurses and doctors helped me get meds figured out and manage life better. They helped me to get back on me feet. I can tell you now that I am grateful for that time spent there.
A lot of crap has been happening lately. Someone I know and love having their life threatened. Being told they would be killed. I don't know how to help them but just let them know I am here.
Family members feeling sick.
Feeling short on money. (what's new there. lol)
But as I sit here typing all this I can honestly say that I am doing fairly well considering all my circumstances. I know I am being vague but this is the way it has to be for right now.
I can look back now and know that God brought me through one storm so that I could get through the current one. I am not trying to do this on my own. I am trying to lean on God for strength. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, only He has the strength I need.
Getting words of wisdom and prayer from others just emphasizes that yeah He is listening. No matter how I feel like He may not be here. With everything that is happening I am quite surprised that I haven't gone down hill. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I haven't. There is NO other way to explain it.
So I look back seeing that God was preparing me for this stuff. He was preparing me to be able to walk through this storm. Then I think, this storm will prepare me to walk through the next.
I am not usually able to see the Son in the midst of the storm but I have been able to this time around. I can honestly tell you that it feels WONDERFUL to know that God is here. That my Dad won't abandon me. That He is sending others to me in order to help me walk the journey. In order that I am not alone.
Sometimes the trials suck monkey butt but now that I can sit here knowing it was for my own good and it was to prepare me I am happy that God thinks I am worthy enough and strong enough to endure those times. I don't like those times but who rightfully does. But just knowing that the Father will NOT abandon me, hurt me, belittle me, judge me, abuse me, or stop loving me and that He is there provides a peace.
Although I have problems sleeping right now I just know that this too will pass, and I will be able to have the peace again. So while leaning on God I am also sharing with others as I felt lead.
Thankfully He was kind enough to prepare me.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Devotional
I received this yesterday morning. The morning after I had decided I want to just shut off from everyone and everything. Then I did notice that yesterday it just seemed so impossible. People talking, emailing, things to do. Funny how God comes through...
Prime Time with God Devotional
Today's Prayer
God, I come to You seeking Your face, searching for answers so I can do something about the problems. There is so much turmoil in the world. There have been so many disasters, many beyond man's control. I pray that You will broaden the minds the people affected by each incident and open their eyes to see what You want them to learn. And I pray that they will respond in the right way. I know that You sometimes allow pressures in my life to bring attention to an issue You want me to take care of too. I pray today, that You as my Loving Father will make known anything that stands in the way of fellowship between You and I. I want to turn from any wrongdoing, and "step up to the plate" to do the right thing, no matter how great or how simple it may seem. I praise You for Who You are, for all You do, and for the fellowship we share through prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.
Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2009
"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).
David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.
"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).
It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.
Prime Time with God Devotional
Today's Prayer
God, I come to You seeking Your face, searching for answers so I can do something about the problems. There is so much turmoil in the world. There have been so many disasters, many beyond man's control. I pray that You will broaden the minds the people affected by each incident and open their eyes to see what You want them to learn. And I pray that they will respond in the right way. I know that You sometimes allow pressures in my life to bring attention to an issue You want me to take care of too. I pray today, that You as my Loving Father will make known anything that stands in the way of fellowship between You and I. I want to turn from any wrongdoing, and "step up to the plate" to do the right thing, no matter how great or how simple it may seem. I praise You for Who You are, for all You do, and for the fellowship we share through prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.
Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
11-18-2009
"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).
David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.
"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).
It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Seven Steps to Freedom
*another view point from the book, "Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian." by Henry Warkentin
So upon reading some more I came across a chapter called, "Seven Steps to Freedom" p.86. Naturally I went in to the chapter as just a read. But then I went back and re-read it deciding I would actually take the time to at least do this for ONE area. I wanted to write it out here.
Henry suggests that the steps to freedom "can show us how to take back the ground we have conceded to Satan. It is not enough to KNOW about our sin, we also need to deal with it." p.86 (emphasis mine)
The steps are as follows:
1. Identify the Lie - "the lie will come through thoughts and feelings." p.87
2. Confess believing the Lie as Sin - "Believing a lie is a sin against God." p.87
3. Ask forgiveness for believing the Lie - "believing the lie must be confessed, and asking for forgiveness is mandatory." p.88
4. Thank God for the Forgiveness - "By thanking Him we are accepting that the sin is gone." p.88
5. Take Authority - "We have to choose to believe that this authority is now ours, just as Jesus said." p.89
6. Confess the Truth in that Area - "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)" p.90
7. Ask God to Fill the Released Area with the Holy Spirit - "We don't want that area left with an empty void, so we must ask God to fill the released area with the Holy Spirit." p.91
WHEW!!! Sounds like a LOT of work but here goes nothing.......
1. I am not worthy
2. Lord, I have been believing this lie and thus am sinning.
3. Father please forgive me that I believe this lie. That I feel in my heart that I am not worthy and never will be. Please forgive me that this in turn makes me hesitant to trust. ""I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
4. Thank you Father that You are so forgiving. That you still love me and forgive me with open arms.
5. Satan, PISS OFF. I AM worthy and you are not to bother me or lead me to believe in this lie of not being worthy anymore.
6. The truth is that I am worthy because of You Jesus. Because of Your blood. Thank you.
7. Please Father God, help to fill this area where the lie, the sin, the unbelief sat for so long. Please help me to fill it with Your truth, Your trust and Your love. Because I am worthy through you. YOU believe I am worthy.
ok did it. Now that is just something I will have to make sure I try my hardest to keep remembering over and over.
I have never felt worthy but the truth is that I am in fact worthy because of Jesus. Lately my son has come up with a VERY interesting question. "Mommy, who bought me." At first I told that little three and a half year old boy that no one bought him. That he is ours.
Then it got me thinking and I think I was more prepared for the question when it came later that night.
"Mommy, who bought me."
"Well Cooper, Jesus bought you."
"How Mommy?"
"Remember your book tells you that the blood of Jesus was shed on the cross?"
"yes"
"well that blood was the price that Jesus paid for us. Because He loves you and cares for you."
"oh."
yeah it would have been nice if the questions stopped there. But the next day he asked the same thing again and I gave the same answer. Then he threw me for a loop.
"Mommy who bought you?"
pause, silence, small sigh.....
"Jesus did."
"Why?"
"Because Jesus loves me just like He loves you. He bought us so that we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven."
"Why?"
"Because God believes in us and believes that we are worthy."
"ok"
ummmm..........there it was right there. I was telling my own son that WE were worthy. Not just Cooper was worthy but I was worthy too. We were made worthy through Jesus and I guess writing that on my bathroom mirror and seeing it every day is starting to sink home.
I can tell you it felt good to admit that out loud to my son.
I had someone this past month who had hurt me deeply in my past apologize. They told me they are ready to make a change. WOW! Then I am starting to realize as well that through Jesus I am worthy. I didn't DO anything to BE worthy but that is the point. He loves me just the same.
So Lord, in closing......forgive me. Help me break the lie. Help me be an example. Help me to trust you and know that I am indeed worthy.
So upon reading some more I came across a chapter called, "Seven Steps to Freedom" p.86. Naturally I went in to the chapter as just a read. But then I went back and re-read it deciding I would actually take the time to at least do this for ONE area. I wanted to write it out here.
Henry suggests that the steps to freedom "can show us how to take back the ground we have conceded to Satan. It is not enough to KNOW about our sin, we also need to deal with it." p.86 (emphasis mine)
The steps are as follows:
1. Identify the Lie - "the lie will come through thoughts and feelings." p.87
2. Confess believing the Lie as Sin - "Believing a lie is a sin against God." p.87
3. Ask forgiveness for believing the Lie - "believing the lie must be confessed, and asking for forgiveness is mandatory." p.88
4. Thank God for the Forgiveness - "By thanking Him we are accepting that the sin is gone." p.88
5. Take Authority - "We have to choose to believe that this authority is now ours, just as Jesus said." p.89
6. Confess the Truth in that Area - "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)" p.90
7. Ask God to Fill the Released Area with the Holy Spirit - "We don't want that area left with an empty void, so we must ask God to fill the released area with the Holy Spirit." p.91
WHEW!!! Sounds like a LOT of work but here goes nothing.......
1. I am not worthy
2. Lord, I have been believing this lie and thus am sinning.
3. Father please forgive me that I believe this lie. That I feel in my heart that I am not worthy and never will be. Please forgive me that this in turn makes me hesitant to trust. ""I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
4. Thank you Father that You are so forgiving. That you still love me and forgive me with open arms.
5. Satan, PISS OFF. I AM worthy and you are not to bother me or lead me to believe in this lie of not being worthy anymore.
6. The truth is that I am worthy because of You Jesus. Because of Your blood. Thank you.
7. Please Father God, help to fill this area where the lie, the sin, the unbelief sat for so long. Please help me to fill it with Your truth, Your trust and Your love. Because I am worthy through you. YOU believe I am worthy.
ok did it. Now that is just something I will have to make sure I try my hardest to keep remembering over and over.
I have never felt worthy but the truth is that I am in fact worthy because of Jesus. Lately my son has come up with a VERY interesting question. "Mommy, who bought me." At first I told that little three and a half year old boy that no one bought him. That he is ours.
Then it got me thinking and I think I was more prepared for the question when it came later that night.
"Mommy, who bought me."
"Well Cooper, Jesus bought you."
"How Mommy?"
"Remember your book tells you that the blood of Jesus was shed on the cross?"
"yes"
"well that blood was the price that Jesus paid for us. Because He loves you and cares for you."
"oh."
yeah it would have been nice if the questions stopped there. But the next day he asked the same thing again and I gave the same answer. Then he threw me for a loop.
"Mommy who bought you?"
pause, silence, small sigh.....
"Jesus did."
"Why?"
"Because Jesus loves me just like He loves you. He bought us so that we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven."
"Why?"
"Because God believes in us and believes that we are worthy."
"ok"
ummmm..........there it was right there. I was telling my own son that WE were worthy. Not just Cooper was worthy but I was worthy too. We were made worthy through Jesus and I guess writing that on my bathroom mirror and seeing it every day is starting to sink home.
I can tell you it felt good to admit that out loud to my son.
I had someone this past month who had hurt me deeply in my past apologize. They told me they are ready to make a change. WOW! Then I am starting to realize as well that through Jesus I am worthy. I didn't DO anything to BE worthy but that is the point. He loves me just the same.
So Lord, in closing......forgive me. Help me break the lie. Help me be an example. Help me to trust you and know that I am indeed worthy.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
just some things.....
that have been irking me this morning and I figure I better get it off my chest rather then let it get me down. We know how the enemy likes to work. "Oh! She is feeling down about this? Let's just keep it that way and make it a little worse".
ok...bear with me...
I have been put on blood thinners because my doctor had found out I have a case of hyperhomocystine. (Yeah you would have to look up homocystine yourself. lol) However, to give you a basic bit of info basically I clot too much. So now am on a low dose of ASA each day. Now even though it is a low dose I am noticing some little differences. My bruises have been big and nasty. Guess more blood can come to the surface now. Also when I cut myself I bleed. I bleed too much. For example shaving this morning I hit a little tiny pimple. I have been nursing the bleed for 20 minutes. It just keeps coming and as of yet it hasn't stopped! Damn pimples!
Now on to pimples...I am breaking out like a freaking teen aged girl. DUDE! I am 30. I thought by 30 this stuff would STOP. Yeah, I lived in a dream world!
My hair needs to be dyed and we can't afford it right now. Yeah, buy a box people will say but I really would rather leave it to the professionals to do it. I have about three inches of roots! You know it is bad when you try to think of things to do with your hair to hide the roots and the whites. Today it is in a french braid. The problem is when I do that or even a pony tail the braided part and the pony tail itself are different colors then the base of my head. Oh and with the braid you can see the white streaks of hair.
grr...damn pimple STILL bleeding.
I have been on the fence about halloween. Do we take Cooper trick or treating or not?
I have been having dreams about having a second child but my body is evidence that it won't let me! Oh well, only God knows what will happen there.
I need a pair of jeans.
We need to go get some groceries.
I am thankful for my new camera accessory though and am thinking of some things I want to do today. I want to make a backdrop stand in my house. It will involve a curtain rod. lol. I want to organize the storage locker outside.
I just have many things swimming in my head. As I sit here and look out the window though a smile creeps across my face. It is a beautiful sunrise this morning. Mind you it is red and that means we are in for some wicked weather but it made me smile that God reminds me He is listening. I wonder if HE is tired of my complaining yet?
Dang thing still bleeding...
ok...bear with me...
I have been put on blood thinners because my doctor had found out I have a case of hyperhomocystine. (Yeah you would have to look up homocystine yourself. lol) However, to give you a basic bit of info basically I clot too much. So now am on a low dose of ASA each day. Now even though it is a low dose I am noticing some little differences. My bruises have been big and nasty. Guess more blood can come to the surface now. Also when I cut myself I bleed. I bleed too much. For example shaving this morning I hit a little tiny pimple. I have been nursing the bleed for 20 minutes. It just keeps coming and as of yet it hasn't stopped! Damn pimples!
Now on to pimples...I am breaking out like a freaking teen aged girl. DUDE! I am 30. I thought by 30 this stuff would STOP. Yeah, I lived in a dream world!
My hair needs to be dyed and we can't afford it right now. Yeah, buy a box people will say but I really would rather leave it to the professionals to do it. I have about three inches of roots! You know it is bad when you try to think of things to do with your hair to hide the roots and the whites. Today it is in a french braid. The problem is when I do that or even a pony tail the braided part and the pony tail itself are different colors then the base of my head. Oh and with the braid you can see the white streaks of hair.
grr...damn pimple STILL bleeding.
I have been on the fence about halloween. Do we take Cooper trick or treating or not?
I have been having dreams about having a second child but my body is evidence that it won't let me! Oh well, only God knows what will happen there.
I need a pair of jeans.
We need to go get some groceries.
I am thankful for my new camera accessory though and am thinking of some things I want to do today. I want to make a backdrop stand in my house. It will involve a curtain rod. lol. I want to organize the storage locker outside.
I just have many things swimming in my head. As I sit here and look out the window though a smile creeps across my face. It is a beautiful sunrise this morning. Mind you it is red and that means we are in for some wicked weather but it made me smile that God reminds me He is listening. I wonder if HE is tired of my complaining yet?
Dang thing still bleeding...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian
by Henry Warkentin
A friend of mine gave me a copy of this book. I am really not too far in to it as it is not a book you can read cover to cover. You have to take it one section at a time. So far I have noticed that it has been opening my eyes to some of the tactics the Devil uses. He is one slippery bugger.
On page 68 it starts to go in to "The Emotions".
"Not only does the devil impose thoughts directly into our intellect, but he often imposes feelings on our emotions as well."
I found that pretty darn interesting. I was thinking that it was me that was a screw up and a mess up. That it was my thoughts that were harming me when all along it is the enemy knowing which buttons to push and knowing how to get in to my thoughts.
"Most often, the Enemy imposes both thoughts and feelings.
Imposed feelings are very convincing because the feelings happen right inside the emotional part of our being. Coupled with the fact that the world tells us to trust our feelings, we are easily fooled." p. 69
Maybe this is why I have been told over and over that feelings are fickle. That I can't fully rely on them. I FEEL stupid. Am I? My school grades never showed it. I FEEL like a failure. Am I? Not so sure, I do have a happy, healthy son and am doing what I have always wanted to do. I feel like God is going to abandon me? Will He? Umm..I am being told no. Then that is evident to me in the fact that no matter where I struggle or what stage I am at He always has a way of showing Himself. Coming through someone or another. I FEEL like I am not good enough. Am I? No. God says I am because of His Mercy.
"...when we believe the devil's lies, no matter how logical they seem, it gives the Enemy power in our lives. It is important to see that in order to believe the devil's lies, we have to reject God's truth." p.71
See the thing for me is that I believe I am not worthy of God. That I am ugly. I am stupid. I am a failure. But God's truth and word tells me other wise. He tells me that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made." That I am made "in His image" and that God does not make mistakes.
So every lie I believe sounds like the truth to me. It sounds so real and accurate so I choose to believe it. I feel like it is true therefore it must be. However, because Satan is able to get deep in to our intellect and feelings I in turn believe what he is saying and start rejecting the Truth. "The Truth will set you free." From all the enemy's lies and schemes I can be set free if I just choose to remember the truth. Because he can slip right in there though the lies FEEL like truth. Like I can't win. Then I can't feel God. I feel lost to Him. I feel alone. Then there it is again, feelings coming from lies.
Where am I going with this? Not fully sure but I do know I have wanted to share the quotes for quite a while. It gives me a bit of a sense of relief knowing that maybe I am not miss-wired. That I am not a complete screw up and that in fact something greater then my own thoughts is at work here. It is the enemy that has to be driven out of my mind. That is why we have to tell him OUT LOUD to bugger off. To get our of our lives. It was a relief to me to read what I did and realize that I am not alone and am not COMPLETELY insane. A relief that although I FEEL like God is not here it is a lie. That lie is far from the truth.
The truth. God is good. God is mercy. I am not worthy but GOD feels I am. Not being worthy enough but it being the point because I was saved by His Grace. God is real. God is here. I AM NOT ALONE. Just some things I have been trying to process. I am sure more things will come up eventually but this is it for now.
Just amazed me that the enemy can get so deep in to your mind. BUT he can't steal my spirit. No matter how much he masks it God is still there. No matter how dim the light feels it is still lit.
Yes I struggle. Who of us doesn't. If you say you don't I would have to ask you if you are lying to yourself. Or if it is the enemy lying TO you. The struggles make us stronger. This is a good book so far and it really is helping to give me insight in to how the enemy can be so tricky. I recommend it so far and I believe it is in fact giving me the Hope and the Answers I need.
A friend of mine gave me a copy of this book. I am really not too far in to it as it is not a book you can read cover to cover. You have to take it one section at a time. So far I have noticed that it has been opening my eyes to some of the tactics the Devil uses. He is one slippery bugger.
On page 68 it starts to go in to "The Emotions".
"Not only does the devil impose thoughts directly into our intellect, but he often imposes feelings on our emotions as well."
I found that pretty darn interesting. I was thinking that it was me that was a screw up and a mess up. That it was my thoughts that were harming me when all along it is the enemy knowing which buttons to push and knowing how to get in to my thoughts.
"Most often, the Enemy imposes both thoughts and feelings.
Imposed feelings are very convincing because the feelings happen right inside the emotional part of our being. Coupled with the fact that the world tells us to trust our feelings, we are easily fooled." p. 69
Maybe this is why I have been told over and over that feelings are fickle. That I can't fully rely on them. I FEEL stupid. Am I? My school grades never showed it. I FEEL like a failure. Am I? Not so sure, I do have a happy, healthy son and am doing what I have always wanted to do. I feel like God is going to abandon me? Will He? Umm..I am being told no. Then that is evident to me in the fact that no matter where I struggle or what stage I am at He always has a way of showing Himself. Coming through someone or another. I FEEL like I am not good enough. Am I? No. God says I am because of His Mercy.
"...when we believe the devil's lies, no matter how logical they seem, it gives the Enemy power in our lives. It is important to see that in order to believe the devil's lies, we have to reject God's truth." p.71
See the thing for me is that I believe I am not worthy of God. That I am ugly. I am stupid. I am a failure. But God's truth and word tells me other wise. He tells me that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made." That I am made "in His image" and that God does not make mistakes.
So every lie I believe sounds like the truth to me. It sounds so real and accurate so I choose to believe it. I feel like it is true therefore it must be. However, because Satan is able to get deep in to our intellect and feelings I in turn believe what he is saying and start rejecting the Truth. "The Truth will set you free." From all the enemy's lies and schemes I can be set free if I just choose to remember the truth. Because he can slip right in there though the lies FEEL like truth. Like I can't win. Then I can't feel God. I feel lost to Him. I feel alone. Then there it is again, feelings coming from lies.
Where am I going with this? Not fully sure but I do know I have wanted to share the quotes for quite a while. It gives me a bit of a sense of relief knowing that maybe I am not miss-wired. That I am not a complete screw up and that in fact something greater then my own thoughts is at work here. It is the enemy that has to be driven out of my mind. That is why we have to tell him OUT LOUD to bugger off. To get our of our lives. It was a relief to me to read what I did and realize that I am not alone and am not COMPLETELY insane. A relief that although I FEEL like God is not here it is a lie. That lie is far from the truth.
The truth. God is good. God is mercy. I am not worthy but GOD feels I am. Not being worthy enough but it being the point because I was saved by His Grace. God is real. God is here. I AM NOT ALONE. Just some things I have been trying to process. I am sure more things will come up eventually but this is it for now.
Just amazed me that the enemy can get so deep in to your mind. BUT he can't steal my spirit. No matter how much he masks it God is still there. No matter how dim the light feels it is still lit.
Yes I struggle. Who of us doesn't. If you say you don't I would have to ask you if you are lying to yourself. Or if it is the enemy lying TO you. The struggles make us stronger. This is a good book so far and it really is helping to give me insight in to how the enemy can be so tricky. I recommend it so far and I believe it is in fact giving me the Hope and the Answers I need.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thankfulness
Today is another Thanksgiving day for us here in Canada. I love thanksgiving and it's traditions and TURKEY. But I also love being able to stop and be thankful for things God has given.
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....
in NO particular order:
~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.
~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.
~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.
~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.
~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.
~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".
~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.
~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.
~A roof over my head.
~Clothes on my back.
~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.
~Giving back to God.
~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.
~Hot water.
~Cold milk.
~Wonderful neighbours.
~A running car.
~Electricity.
~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.
~Freedom.
I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.
So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....
in NO particular order:
~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.
~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.
~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.
~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.
~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.
~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".
~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.
~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.
~A roof over my head.
~Clothes on my back.
~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.
~Giving back to God.
~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.
~Hot water.
~Cold milk.
~Wonderful neighbours.
~A running car.
~Electricity.
~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.
~Freedom.
I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.
So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....
Friday, September 18, 2009
Being walked along with
Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.
Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.
Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.
My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.
I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.
It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.
I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.
Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.
Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.
My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.
I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.
It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.
I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My "baby" started preschool today
so today was the first full day of preschool. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?
This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go
today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.
his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.
He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!
I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!
This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go
today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.
his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.
He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!
I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Thankful
Today I find myself extremely thankful.
I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.
I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.
There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.
I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.
Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.
I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".
Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.
I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.
Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.
I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.
I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.
There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.
I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.
Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.
I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".
Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.
I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.
Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Update
well a lot has been going on lately. We just moved in to a co-op townhome. We love it. So much more space and Cooper has a bit of a backyard to play in.
I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.
Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.
My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.
Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.
So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.
God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.
I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.
Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.
My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.
Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.
So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.
God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.
Friday, August 21, 2009
For some reason this song has struck me lately
More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl
Monday, August 17, 2009
"Set Me Free"
So since yesterday I have had a lot on my mind. Actually I usually always have quite a bit on my mind. My mind usually doesn't stop. In fact I honestly didn't realize that following God was "simple".
I prayed for help breaking the strong holds in my life that are keeping me back. Keeping me from loving myself. Keeping me from trusting God. Keeping myself from just having faith in God and realizing that He won't abandon me. Old thought patterns have to go. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough, etc.
This is hard. Really hard. I am so used to it that it comes to my mind first and foremost. Every time. I can't look in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child and wait for Him to leave me. I didn't do a darn thing to deserve God's love and Mercy but He gives it to me anyway. Don't ask me why because I can't even explain it.
I need to break the chains and embrace the fact that God does love me. That I am worthy to be His child. I am tired of the chains holding me back, the chains not allowing me further.
I am not sure it makes any sense. I just know that I need to break the chains that I have been allowing to hold me back. I have to not allow it anymore. I need to ask God to help me. I need His strength. There is just so much to do. I don't know if I can do it. But I know that I am tired of being held down. Of holding MYSELF back.
just so many things in my mind....
this song comes to mind. I want and need to be set free. I need the chains broken.
Fall on me (set me free) by Vineyard Worship
Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.
Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains
my filthy stains, Jesus
And break these chains
And break these chains
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free (2x)
Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.
And break these chains
And break these chains
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free(4x)
Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.
Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains,
my filthy stains.
And break these chains
And break these chains (3x)
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free (4x)
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Measuring Up
Today's service talked about measuring up. The funny thing though is that after someone shared this morning I found myself thinking, "wow. Why can't I be like them?"
Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."
I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.
But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.
I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.
I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.
I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.
Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.
Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."
I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.
But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.
I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.
I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.
I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.
Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.
Seeing Thorns as Blessings
From my devotional this morning:
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10)
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10)
Sunday, August 09, 2009
trying to stay focussed
on the good. Trying to remember all the good and not let all the negative slash back at me.
The issues I was told I have was good to receive because those were fixable. A couple days later my family doc called me to come in and go over my blood work. Turns out that my prolactin levels are up again. So that can also cause miscarriages so now we take another step back.
It is like we get answers and a way to solve it then this happens. I am more then double what I should be. Prolactin is a hormone that is released when ovulating or when nursing. It should not be above 23 for a non nursing mother. I was good at an 11 for two months. Now it goes up again. So it is confusing, frustrating and annoying.
There is a BIG part of me that just wants to yell and get mad at God. Yet I am trying not to and to focus on the good. Sometimes it just feels so hard.
The issues I was told I have was good to receive because those were fixable. A couple days later my family doc called me to come in and go over my blood work. Turns out that my prolactin levels are up again. So that can also cause miscarriages so now we take another step back.
It is like we get answers and a way to solve it then this happens. I am more then double what I should be. Prolactin is a hormone that is released when ovulating or when nursing. It should not be above 23 for a non nursing mother. I was good at an 11 for two months. Now it goes up again. So it is confusing, frustrating and annoying.
There is a BIG part of me that just wants to yell and get mad at God. Yet I am trying not to and to focus on the good. Sometimes it just feels so hard.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Good in every situation
I know that God is working all things out for His good. Even the hard/bad/debilitating situations He will turn it around to work things out for good.
There was a point where I thought there was no possibility that something good would come out of my miscarriages. But I now realize there is. It has given me a more compassionate heart for those that are going through it. It gave me a chance to get some testing done. It gave me answers.
It turns out that I have a protein definciency and a blood clotting issue. Both of which are not elevated enough to cause concern about my health but enough to cause miscarriages. The good thing is that these are both treatable and there is a good chance that I will be able to have that baby one day.
I will have to take 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of Vitamin B6 and a baby aspirin every day for the first few months. Plus prior to the pregnancy. There are also some shots that may or may not need to be done. The thing in the way is money of course but I know we will work it out.
I have also injured my knee and it has required me to be on crutches. I was asking a friend if it was God that did it. My friend said that it was just a mistake and was not God's plan but that God would use it for His good. I think He is. It is teaching me to humble myself. I am starting to think that might have been the theme this past year.
We are trying to pack to move and I can't put weight on my knee yet my neighbours are offering help, friends are offering help and I have had to ask for help from my husband. I don't normally ask for help at all so this is a step for me. So yet another good thing that God is doing in this situation.
God is good and I am trying to focus on the good and thank Him for it.
There was a point where I thought there was no possibility that something good would come out of my miscarriages. But I now realize there is. It has given me a more compassionate heart for those that are going through it. It gave me a chance to get some testing done. It gave me answers.
It turns out that I have a protein definciency and a blood clotting issue. Both of which are not elevated enough to cause concern about my health but enough to cause miscarriages. The good thing is that these are both treatable and there is a good chance that I will be able to have that baby one day.
I will have to take 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of Vitamin B6 and a baby aspirin every day for the first few months. Plus prior to the pregnancy. There are also some shots that may or may not need to be done. The thing in the way is money of course but I know we will work it out.
I have also injured my knee and it has required me to be on crutches. I was asking a friend if it was God that did it. My friend said that it was just a mistake and was not God's plan but that God would use it for His good. I think He is. It is teaching me to humble myself. I am starting to think that might have been the theme this past year.
We are trying to pack to move and I can't put weight on my knee yet my neighbours are offering help, friends are offering help and I have had to ask for help from my husband. I don't normally ask for help at all so this is a step for me. So yet another good thing that God is doing in this situation.
God is good and I am trying to focus on the good and thank Him for it.
Monday, July 27, 2009
it just takes one thought
Why is it that it takes just ONE thought to spiral you? ONE negative thought to get you in to the direction that you are not good enough, you will never heal, you are fat, you are ugly and it just keeps going down, down, down.
thankfully this morning I was able to recognise the thought by the time it hit the second negative one. I pushed it down and told myself NO. I worked hard to build it back up and to get it working to the point where I wasn't beating myself up. It was hard.
It started with not wanting to go to group today. Then the thought of not ever being able to heal, then how I am not worthy enough to talk to anyone because I am a bother. So I guess that was three thoughts. It just kept trying to go down. I could physically feel my mood spiraling. Spiraling down into the darkness.
It just takes one thought to get you going down and knock you down but it takes many positive thoughts to keep you afloat. Your old thought patterns are easier to cling to. They are easy for the enemy to push his finger on and keep you where he wants you.
Yet the place where Jesus wants you is so much clearer. Pleasant and loving.
it just takes one. But it is worth the 20 positive thoughts to keep you grounded. Sometimes it is just SO hard.
thankfully this morning I was able to recognise the thought by the time it hit the second negative one. I pushed it down and told myself NO. I worked hard to build it back up and to get it working to the point where I wasn't beating myself up. It was hard.
It started with not wanting to go to group today. Then the thought of not ever being able to heal, then how I am not worthy enough to talk to anyone because I am a bother. So I guess that was three thoughts. It just kept trying to go down. I could physically feel my mood spiraling. Spiraling down into the darkness.
It just takes one thought to get you going down and knock you down but it takes many positive thoughts to keep you afloat. Your old thought patterns are easier to cling to. They are easy for the enemy to push his finger on and keep you where he wants you.
Yet the place where Jesus wants you is so much clearer. Pleasant and loving.
it just takes one. But it is worth the 20 positive thoughts to keep you grounded. Sometimes it is just SO hard.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Devotion this morning
“‘What do you mean, ‘If I can’?’ Jesus asked. ‘Anything is possible if a person believes’” (Mark 9:23 NLT).
God will build your faith by planting a dream within you. But that dream will require a decision of faith, and then God will stretch your faith as you face delays, difficulties, and dead ends.
It is then that God comes in and delivers. God does a miracle. God provides a solution. For instance:
• In Moses’ case, God parts the Red Sea.
• In Abraham’s case, he and Sarah miraculously conceive a child.
• In Joseph’s case, all of a sudden his dream comes true and he finds himself no longer imprisoned in a dungeon; instead, he is the second in command in Egypt.
And Jesus was resurrected! God can even turn a crucifixion into resurrection, and that means He has the power to transform your dead ends into deliverance. He builds your faith through delays, difficulties, and dead ends, so that when He delivers you—God gets all the credit!
When faced with a dead end, the best response is to expect God to act. What are you expecting God to do in your life? Jesus says, “According to your faith will it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV).
When you wait for deliverance, then God gets the credit. And you can look back to see how God led you through a path of faith, expanding and increasing your trust of Him with every step. Your faith is stronger and now you can say with confidence: “I am expecting the Lord to rescue me again, so that once again I will see His goodness to me” (Psalm 27:13 LB).
-From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional
God will build your faith by planting a dream within you. But that dream will require a decision of faith, and then God will stretch your faith as you face delays, difficulties, and dead ends.
It is then that God comes in and delivers. God does a miracle. God provides a solution. For instance:
• In Moses’ case, God parts the Red Sea.
• In Abraham’s case, he and Sarah miraculously conceive a child.
• In Joseph’s case, all of a sudden his dream comes true and he finds himself no longer imprisoned in a dungeon; instead, he is the second in command in Egypt.
And Jesus was resurrected! God can even turn a crucifixion into resurrection, and that means He has the power to transform your dead ends into deliverance. He builds your faith through delays, difficulties, and dead ends, so that when He delivers you—God gets all the credit!
When faced with a dead end, the best response is to expect God to act. What are you expecting God to do in your life? Jesus says, “According to your faith will it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV).
When you wait for deliverance, then God gets the credit. And you can look back to see how God led you through a path of faith, expanding and increasing your trust of Him with every step. Your faith is stronger and now you can say with confidence: “I am expecting the Lord to rescue me again, so that once again I will see His goodness to me” (Psalm 27:13 LB).
-From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional
Thursday, July 16, 2009
1 Peter 1:6-7
Got this in a devotional today. hmm...
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
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