I used to have a BABY

Named Cooper


Now all I have is this toddler named Cooper. This toddler likes to feed himself, even with a fork or spoon. Sit on the potty. Push his OWN wagon. sigh..



I am including this picture cause of the look on his face. He LOVES that truck book. (No I am not going to the bathroom. I just have short PJ shorts. LOL)

A little thanks

11 years ago our Pastor Susan at New Heights church helped to create a dream. This weekend she has stepped back "ashore" as she says. She has decided to go on and see what else God has in store for her and her wonderful husband to do in ministry together.
She will be so missed.
I know that it isn't about the person or the pastors and that it is God's church but it still doesn't change the fact that it breaks my heart. However, at the same time I am happy for her. Happy to see what God has in store for her and watch her fly even higher then she already has.
I can honestly say that my life would be so much more different if not for her. She took the time to help the hurt. I was one of those hurt people. One of those wounded. She helped me to start on an amazing path, that I must sheepishly say I have seemed to have lost. I have wondered from that path that brought me on great highs. But I am trying to work my way back there.
Susan is someone that helped pick me up and bring me back to the God I loved. Someone that told me she was proud of me. I didn't deserve it but yet here she was being Christ to ME.
Thank you are two words that just don't contain enough of what is in my heart. Enough to describe how I feel. Although I have not been at NH for those full 11 years I have been here long enough to fall in love. Long enough to call it home. Long enough to see Satan attack and God repair. It is truly a "church for the unchurched" and that is what I was. Dare I say, what I am.
NH will continue and will go on but I know in my heart that it will not be the same. I thank God for Susan and all she has done. I ask that you join me in prayer for her. To have happiness and to know where God is taking her and her husband. I can only imagine how amazing the next journey would be. Thankfully she is willing to take the step towards that next journey.
Thank you again Susan for all you have done. I for one will never forget it. I wish you much success and love.

A Word With You. - Daily Devotion

  I guess it might be nice to own a copy of the Declaration of Independence.
It's not on my top ten list of things I'd like to have, but if it's cheap, why
not? That's what one man thought when he bought a copy of the Declaration in a
thrift store. He spent a whopping $2.48. Such a deal! It turns out what he
bought for $2.48 is one of 200 copies John Quincy Adams had made in 1823. It's
going on sale soon. It's expected to sell for a quarter of a million dollars!

  I'm Ron Hutchcraft and I want to have A Word With You today about
"Undervalued."

  Somebody looked at that old copy of a document and made a serious mistake.
They undervalued it, big-time! Of course, we make that mistake too, with people.
It's happened to someone who's listening right now. You've been undervalued many
times, perhaps by many people. It's to the point where you've come to believe
yourself that you're not really worth that much. How could you be after the
names you've been called, the rejection you've experienced, the failed
relationships, and the ways you've been treated?

  I've got news for you. None of those people have any idea of what you're
really worth, anymore than some merchant knew what that rare Declaration of
Independence was worth. But somebody knows, and they'll pay a lot for it.

  Somebody knows what you're really worth. You can tell. He paid a lot for
you. He is no one less than the Son of God. Here's how the Bible puts it: "You
are not your own; you were bought at a price" (I Corinthians 6:19-20). The price
that Jesus paid for you is spelled out graphically in our word for today from
the Word of God in Revelation 5:9. The inhabitants of heaven are saying to
Jesus: "You were slain, and with your blood You purchased men for God." Jesus
thought you were worth the shedding of His blood; the blood of the one and only
Son of God. Think about that cross where He hung with nails in His hands and
feet, a crown of thorns jammed on His head, a spear driven into His side, and
say these two words, "For me."

  That's how bad your sin was. It took that to pay for it. And that's how big
God's love for you is. He did that so He wouldn't lose you. Sin is serious
business. It's living the way you want to live instead of the way your Creator
made you to live. It's the spiritual hijacking of your life from the One who
gave it to you in the first place. And hijacking is punishable by a death
penalty. I deserved that penalty. Jesus stepped in and said, "Take me instead."
In the words of the Bible, "He loved me and gave Himself for me" (Galatians
2:20). He really, really loves you. He's the One who gave you your worth when He
made you His one-of-a-kind original. He wants to restore the worth that sin has
taken from you.

  But you have to choose Him. He won't force His way into your life. You'll
have to invite Him. That invitation involves a lifetime choice to turn from
running your own life to putting your life in His hands, where it's belonged all
along. It's a step of total trust in Him as being your only hope of having your
sins forgiven, of going to heaven, of experiencing the love you were made for.
He's waiting for you to tell Him with all your heart, "Jesus, I am Yours." After
all He's paid for you, is there any reason not to trust Him?

***WOW***

Tired

Tired of it all.
This is gonna be a ramble and at this point I really don't care.
I have been up since 4am sneezing, nose running like a damn faucet and getting no rest. Was up just after 11 until almost 1 when I finally fell asleep and woke to this. I think it is time to get rid of the cat. I am totally exhausted but can't sleep. Even the kleenex stuffed up my nose isn't helping. I want to cry but it will just make my runny nose that much worse.
I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. Like no one gives a crap. Not looking for the awww....you do matter stuff. You can say it until you are blue in the face and it won't change how I feel. I feel like I can be in a crowd and sit there and no one would even notice I was there. Or not be some where and no one notice that I was even gone.
I am tired of being selfish and it being all about me.
It is so much easier to walk away from God, either it be intentional or not, then it is to go back to Him. I think I stepped away and I want to go back. I try in my own pathetic little ways but then get these feelings and wonder what the point is. Don't get me wrong I do know what the point is but I am trying and feeling like I am failing. I am tired of hearing people talking about God and having no bloody idea what they are talking about. Or talking about places in the bible but have no clue what they are saying. Tired of not knowing where to start.
I don't want to be around anyone. I am tired of plastering on a smile and acting like every thing is just damn well peachy when I am breaking inside. Yet I am still not sure of exactly why.
I HATE the way I look. I am tired of feeling that way. Tired of not having my clothes fit. Tired of feeling like a piece of crap that the stupid cat just dragged in off the street.
I am still no exactly sure where I am going with this. I am still not exactly sure if I am going to keep this up or not. But does it matter? Nope it doesn't.
Not looking for pity and tired of feeling like I always do. Tired of being worried that people will look at me differently cause of what I write. Tired of thinking no one really gives a crap.
Guess this has been building for a while. See.....I am a selfish person.
God please help me. Please help me to see what YOU see cause right now I am not liking what I see.

Just plain ol tired. Yeah yeah yeah I know I shouldn't complain but that is what I do best.
Now I should go back to sleep but Lord knows Cooper will be up soon to nurse, and HOPEFULLY he will go back to sleep. Phil will be up soon to go to work and I need to help with that. A couple things I enjoy. I have mom's group today and I don't want to go. But I am going to go. If not for me then for Cooper who needs the interaction with the kids.
anyway I am done...................
and there goes Cooper.........sigh..........

I think this is Kinda Fun too

Got this from Michelle's blog and thought it would be fun to do!!



1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Yes
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? Yes
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Total Excitement. I couldn't quit shaking
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? No
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? Just turned 26
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? This is sappy but.....I saw a cloud shaped like an ultra sound and another one like a baby. So I knew I was picturing it already and because we were planning I just knew
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? Phil
8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? I didn't want to know but Phil did and I am glad we chose to find out
9. DUE DATE? April 14, 2006
10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? No, it was more ALL DAY sickness
11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? Dill pickle chips, corn nuts, ice cream (no wonder I got so fat)
12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? Work and being in the hospital at 12 weeks for a kidney infection
13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Boy
14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? Nope
15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? 50
16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? I got two. One from family and a surprise one from friends
17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? hehe see above
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? kidney infection
19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? MSA hospital, Abbotsford
20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 3.5 hours
21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? Phil
22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? Phil and two nurses. The doc didn't make it, he came too fast
23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION - natural
24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? yeah, gas. Don't think it really did anything. I think it was more phsycological
25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 7lbs 7ounces
26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? April 16, 2006 (two days late)
27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Cooper Luke
28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? is now 13 months old

Never The Last Time


The last time I held your hand
you were slipping from us.
The last time I looked at you
I saw you look at me.
I looked into your eyes for the
last time.
And you were telling me not to worry.

The last time you looked at me
I saw you smile.
It was the last time I saw the
friendship in your eyes.
Although I held you for the last time,
I knew it wasn't over.
I knew that this wasn't the last
time we would love you.
I knew this wasn't the last
time we would remember you.

This isn't the last time we think
about you or that we dream about
you.
This isn't the least time you'd be
remembered,
and this will never be the last time
you're in our hearts.

by: Misty
May 20, 1998

not sure anyone reads my blog

but if you do you will notice a difference. Me in my idiocy accidentally DELETED my template yesterday. Called Rod (as you can see he has a new name on my side bar) yesterday. I was SO upset! But Rod found it and fixed it! YAY!! Thank you Rod!!
It is different then it was though and I am not one for change. However, I used the old template and now I have the new layout. So I guess a change is in order. Now to try to find a site with nice layouts or something that I can fiddle with. I want my own work to be involved. I would love to put my own photo somewhere. Not sure I like plain backgrounds and such so I will have to come up with something.
Anyone think the font is too big?
Well, Cooper is done breakfast and is playing now so it is time to clean him up and get on with our day.
THANKS AGAIN ROD!

He's doing it!

signing that is!
Cooper will sign please, it may be a bit off but when I ask him to say please he signs and this morning he even got it RIGHT! He signs milk. And sometimes he will do the milk sign by his mouth and that will mean eat. AND..... he signs done and more. Although more is clapping but that is the only time he does it. When he wants more to eat in his highchair. We are still working on it but he gets TONS of praise even when doing it incorrectly.
Amazing how fast they learn!

Self Image

I have always had low self image. Low self esteem. I just hope that I won't always have it. That I can get out of it. I have a son now that I have to be a good example for. It is just so hard.
I know that God sees me as beautiful and intelligent. Why can't I?
I never want Cooper to feel crappy about himself. Or to feel stupid. Or insignificant. I work hard to make sure he knows how proud I am of him. I tell him all the time. I try so hard with him. But I can't seem to try that hard with myself.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel I look. It doesn't help that I need to loose 40lbs. Doesn't help that I don't FEEL pretty. That I don't feel like a woman. I feel frumpy and gross. I have so many cute clothes that just don't fit.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just wish that I was able to not be so hard on myself. It is easy for someone to say, well just don't do it or do this or that but it is not so easy for me to follow through with it.
I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like being out and about. I have no one to impress so why bother.
I have things right now that I am trying to ignore and not stress about so this seemingly trivial thing to some seems like a huge boulder to me. I can't seem to shake it. Not feeling my worth really.
My husband loves me and my son loves me. Why? Can't be because of my looks. At least that is what goes through my head. Also, Why would God love me looking like this?
I HATE that these are thoughts I have. Old tapes that need to be erased and thrown out the window to never be played back again. Once again, easier said then done.
Being laughed at, made fun of and picked on all my life has helped to bring me to this point of how I feel. I hate bullies. It really isn't fair. Bullies can be a school kid, family or authorities. It doesn't matter.
Did you know it takes SEVEN good things to right the feeling of ONE bad or hurtful thing said? Ouch.
How many sets of seven do I need to say to myself? I find it extremely hard to compliment myself or to even accept compliments. Oh well, I guess such is life. I just need to fix that part of it. For my sake. For my sons sake. For my sake. Not gonna be an easy task. Yet I sit here asking myself if it is one I will be willing to take on.
I guess only time will tell.

My favorite fotos for the moment

I thought I would share.
At the park with Mommy and Daddy on Sunday. More found on my fotopage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To a GREAT HUSBAND


and a WONDERFUL FATHER!



you are the lights of our lives Phil. We love you and appreciate everything you do for us.
This is one amazing man!