Friday, May 25, 2007

Tired

Tired of it all.
This is gonna be a ramble and at this point I really don't care.
I have been up since 4am sneezing, nose running like a damn faucet and getting no rest. Was up just after 11 until almost 1 when I finally fell asleep and woke to this. I think it is time to get rid of the cat. I am totally exhausted but can't sleep. Even the kleenex stuffed up my nose isn't helping. I want to cry but it will just make my runny nose that much worse.
I am tired of feeling like I don't matter. Like no one gives a crap. Not looking for the awww....you do matter stuff. You can say it until you are blue in the face and it won't change how I feel. I feel like I can be in a crowd and sit there and no one would even notice I was there. Or not be some where and no one notice that I was even gone.
I am tired of being selfish and it being all about me.
It is so much easier to walk away from God, either it be intentional or not, then it is to go back to Him. I think I stepped away and I want to go back. I try in my own pathetic little ways but then get these feelings and wonder what the point is. Don't get me wrong I do know what the point is but I am trying and feeling like I am failing. I am tired of hearing people talking about God and having no bloody idea what they are talking about. Or talking about places in the bible but have no clue what they are saying. Tired of not knowing where to start.
I don't want to be around anyone. I am tired of plastering on a smile and acting like every thing is just damn well peachy when I am breaking inside. Yet I am still not sure of exactly why.
I HATE the way I look. I am tired of feeling that way. Tired of not having my clothes fit. Tired of feeling like a piece of crap that the stupid cat just dragged in off the street.
I am still no exactly sure where I am going with this. I am still not exactly sure if I am going to keep this up or not. But does it matter? Nope it doesn't.
Not looking for pity and tired of feeling like I always do. Tired of being worried that people will look at me differently cause of what I write. Tired of thinking no one really gives a crap.
Guess this has been building for a while. See.....I am a selfish person.
God please help me. Please help me to see what YOU see cause right now I am not liking what I see.

Just plain ol tired. Yeah yeah yeah I know I shouldn't complain but that is what I do best.
Now I should go back to sleep but Lord knows Cooper will be up soon to nurse, and HOPEFULLY he will go back to sleep. Phil will be up soon to go to work and I need to help with that. A couple things I enjoy. I have mom's group today and I don't want to go. But I am going to go. If not for me then for Cooper who needs the interaction with the kids.
anyway I am done...................
and there goes Cooper.........sigh..........

4 comments:

Val! said...

Misty, I understand what you are feeling! I am not going to say aww you matter but I am going to say you are a great person and without you I would be lost! I look forward to our talks and having a friend who will listen to me and help me through my times of hardship. You can count on me to be here with you every step of the way. I know you are struggling to get your body the way you want it, so am I for that matter. You are a wonderful lady that has helped in ways you could not even imagine! Try to keep the faith and God will show you the way, he is wanting us to fight for him and not to give up. You know all I have been through and I just want to say keep your chin up and don't let anyone get you down! Love ya! Val!

So I Go said...

so sorry.. wish i could say something wise in this space, but i won't even try. this is a very difficult season, as you're finding out and i just pray that encouragement will come in just the way you need it. and that it will come soon!

hang in there my friend.

~ jeff

Mike, Lyndsay, Bayleigh and Carter said...

if you try to be invisible then people will see you as invisible. It is not that people don't care about you, but when you block people out and won't open up then what can people do?

Mandy said...

Don't take all the blame onto yourself. There are a lot of people out there that are just too damn selfish and wrapped up in their own lives to notice the lives of others, of others who have been there for them. I feel your pain my dearest, but God really is the only One who can rescue you. He did it for me. He made me His best friend. Sounds cliche I know, but it's true. It was at the lowest point I was at that He came and saved me, and longs to do the same for you. I really want to encourage you to reach out too though. Don't sit in your place all the time, all alone. Reach out. Call people. Call me! There are still some people out there to talk to. Seek them out. Seek out the ones who aren't ignoring you. Love you. :)