Friday, May 04, 2007

Self Image

I have always had low self image. Low self esteem. I just hope that I won't always have it. That I can get out of it. I have a son now that I have to be a good example for. It is just so hard.
I know that God sees me as beautiful and intelligent. Why can't I?
I never want Cooper to feel crappy about himself. Or to feel stupid. Or insignificant. I work hard to make sure he knows how proud I am of him. I tell him all the time. I try so hard with him. But I can't seem to try that hard with myself.
I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel I look. It doesn't help that I need to loose 40lbs. Doesn't help that I don't FEEL pretty. That I don't feel like a woman. I feel frumpy and gross. I have so many cute clothes that just don't fit.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I just wish that I was able to not be so hard on myself. It is easy for someone to say, well just don't do it or do this or that but it is not so easy for me to follow through with it.
I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like being out and about. I have no one to impress so why bother.
I have things right now that I am trying to ignore and not stress about so this seemingly trivial thing to some seems like a huge boulder to me. I can't seem to shake it. Not feeling my worth really.
My husband loves me and my son loves me. Why? Can't be because of my looks. At least that is what goes through my head. Also, Why would God love me looking like this?
I HATE that these are thoughts I have. Old tapes that need to be erased and thrown out the window to never be played back again. Once again, easier said then done.
Being laughed at, made fun of and picked on all my life has helped to bring me to this point of how I feel. I hate bullies. It really isn't fair. Bullies can be a school kid, family or authorities. It doesn't matter.
Did you know it takes SEVEN good things to right the feeling of ONE bad or hurtful thing said? Ouch.
How many sets of seven do I need to say to myself? I find it extremely hard to compliment myself or to even accept compliments. Oh well, I guess such is life. I just need to fix that part of it. For my sake. For my sons sake. For my sake. Not gonna be an easy task. Yet I sit here asking myself if it is one I will be willing to take on.
I guess only time will tell.

4 comments:

andrea said...

You have so much! Family, friends- you are so lucky! It's obvious people value you for who you are. Also, you have no idea the positive impact you are making on me and on your other blog readers. Sure maybe there are the handful of people who suck and say mean things, but they have their own issues. I hope your outlook changes soon. You deserve to play a new tape in your mind- the true message that reflects who you really are.
andrea

LauraB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Susan said...

isn't it wonderful that God gives us the choice to change and then the resources to make it happen.

LauraB said...

I know you not by looks..I've seen pics of you, but pics dont do
justice of
much..what I know of you I've learned through talking to you, and
getting to
know you. You may feel ugly on the outside, and there's nothing I can
do
about that. But I can tell you that girl I know on the inside is
caring,
giving, selfless, creative, God fearing, God loving, good listener, a
friend
who is willing to go the extra mile for her friends. I thank God for
allowing me to get to know you!
I hope you too can soon see your beauty and your worth is not in what
you
look like. Once you accept you for who you are the outside wont hurt
you so
much. I think you are very pretty girl who is hard on herself. Maybe
your a
few pounds over what you shoudl be, but aht doesn't mean your not
beautiful.

Yay.. I figured it out LOL