Tuesday, June 10, 2008

A week later

and I think I am doing ok. Well not bad actually. I can't help but feel a lot guilty though. I have had some great support from a few friends. One friend also told me that my feeling of "gypping" the baby is really not from God. Cause I feel like if we tried again I would be gypping the one we just lost. But my friend said if that were the case then I wouldn't even WANT to have another after Cooper. God loves children.
I sometimes feel like I still have some pregnancy symptoms but I know that it is all in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, oh we would have been able to see the heartbeat this week. But I have to stop myself cause it just ends up consuming me.
I am still VERY angry and snap at a lot of things. I am REALLY tired too. I am not mad at God just angry in general. I have started to think about it as God was looking out for me. Of course there are TONS of questions as to why. Why He would allow someone to go through this when He knows the heart ache.
As a friend said though, God gave up HIS son. So He knows and understands this heartache. Maybe, just maybe He may use me to help someone else.

The last week I have had a few verses really stand out and be a help in this time for me.
Proverbs 3:5,6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Romans 8:28.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have received both verses before. Prov. on April 13, 2005 and Rom. on March 17, 2006. That is another thing I have noticed I need to get back into. The last time I opened my promise book and actually wrote something down was August 3, 2007. Almost a YEAR!!
Things do work for the good of those that love God. It really is hard for me to see right now that this can be of any good. It has brought me closer to understanding a few friends though. So that must be good. It has also brought me closer to another friend.
Trust in the Lord....trust that He knew what was going to happen and He knew what I would go though. That is still a tough one. I don't really understand why He, the all knowing God, would "allow" someone to go through this. I don't think I ever will understand.
Gives me a bit of peace though knowing that Jesus is up there with my little baby and that He is taking care of the baby. So a week later and I feel a little more at peace. But am finding the events playing over and over in my mind. I feel guilty for feeling at peace. I feel guilty for moving on. But I have to.

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