Friday, July 18, 2008

to look at me from the outside...

would you believe I was a Christian? That I do love God. That I believe Jesus is my savior and that God is good? I wouldn't believe me.

I know in my heart of hearts that I love God. Yet I ONCE AGAIN feel detached and alone. Like I can't talk to Him. Like he doesn't want to hear me. Like He would turn me away on that day of judgment. That hurts. That scares me.

Yet I don't know where to turn. I spin around and around in circles and am not sure what to say or do. Do I want to talk? No not really. Do I need to talk? Probably. Do I know what I need to say? Nope. Can't put ANYTHING into words.

How do I know He is listening? How do I know He loves me? How do I know He won't give up on me or knock me when I am down?

Tonight a friend asked for prayer. For some reason it made me tear up. I can't do that. I can't ask for prayer. I don't think God wants to hear from me. I don't know how to fabricate my words.

yeah if this is the devil he sure is giving me a run for my money. And I don't know what to do or where to turn.


rodbot said...

have you tired to stop and listen when you pray?
or are you the one doing all the talking and God can't get a word in edgewise?

Loquacious Lana said...

Sometimes when I get that feeling of being unworthy in God's eyes, and can't come up with the "right" prayer I say "Okay. I know you know what's in my heart, so here goes." Then I literally sit there and think of stuff I would like to ask for and be thankful for, that I just can't put into words, or would feel silly "talking" about. Sometimes it's for 2 minutes, sometimes for 10. Seems to help me and help that connection. (for me, anyways.) Just a suggestion. :)

Sue said...

Our feelings are not always an adequate or accurate indication of what is true and right. Faith is built on the truth of God's character and not our own ability to sense His presence in our lives. That doesn't mean that your feelings are not real, only that they probably indicate something else. Like you are stressed, tired, hungry or just need to focus on something positive. I would forget about approaching God with what you are feeling and just approach Him with praise and nothing else. Then see what happens. :) It might surprise you.

liz said...

Sometimes if we take the focus off ourself for a bit and what we need, want and feel. And just focus on God and who he is we can get a glimpse of the bigger picture.