Thursday, June 26, 2008

test of will!!

I forgot to post this last Friday.

mommy one Cooper nothing!! LOL!!

Tonight's dinner took about 45 minutes. He refused to eat. I refused to make something different just for him. He wanted to play. So the battle began. I totally kept my cool the whole time. I told him that if he didn't eat he would be going to the corner. He refused. So to the corner he went. He stayed there until he was ready to eat. He spent like 5 - 10 minutes in the corner. I asked him if he was ready to eat and he said "no, play" so I said "ok then you stay in that corner until you are ready to eat. Then walked away as he yelled "EAT!!" So we started another round. Him sitting there pouting. Refusing to eat and playing. So a long time went by and I said, "Ok Cooper come with me. Time to go sit in the corner again until you are ready to eat" He was MAD. But we went. Then repeated above. He finally ate!!! Half of his little serving of dinner. But I was satisfied.

I know some may disagree with it but I am very proud of myself, I stuck to my guns and my rules. It was a test of will. Which person was gonna cave. I usually get angry and frustrated at things and I remained calm the WHOLE TIME!! But I tell you it was exhausting!!! whew......

ETA: when he ate the rice and stuff I kissed him on the top of the head and asked him to look at my eyes. I looked at him and said "mommy is really proud of you. Thank you. You are a good boy." Then he looks at me and says, "I forry mom" awwwwww

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Through a child's eyes

you really learn to appreciate the little things.
I have a little book that I have for Cooper. Talking to him when we were pregnant. When he was tiny and growing up. I just went to write in it yesterday and realized that it had been a YEAR since I last wrote. I can't believe I have slacked that much!
I just wanted to share some of the things he says and does that makes me laugh.
He has so many funny statements.
"I funny!" He always tells everyone that he is funny.
"CHASE YOU!" He will yell that and then run after you. He LOVES to chase Joel. I think that is his favorite.
"WHOA! FAST MOMMY!" He says this when I am driving. My little speed watcher.
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE heeeiiiiiiiiiilllllllll" as we are going DOWN a hill.
my newest favorite:
"BIG MOMMY BIG?!" He will ask for a hug and then say BIG mommy BIG. He wants a bear hug.
This melts my heart:
"mommy otay? otay mommy?"

He LOVES to swim. Will talk about it for a week afterwards. He loves to also:
Throw rocks into the river
Puddle jump
RUN!! He loves running
Crash cars. While yelling cassh!!!
going for walks.

he does wear on me but these moments are better then any type of "wear" I may get. It is time to put him to bed now....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

wanting answers.....

to something that I will never get an answer to.

I keep thinking about the pregnancy. Mind you it is a little less. I actually had to THINK how far along I would be. But I can't help but wonder if it might have been a chemical pregnancy.
You know you get the symptoms and everything just there is no baby.
I will never know these answers. Only God knows them.
Am I unhealthy?
Am I overweight?
Did I not take enough vitamins?
Pray too hard? Not hard enough?
Was there really a baby?

I may NEVER know the answers to these questions, even when I get to heaven. But they still go through your head. Time to let go and let God......

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

some times you can't stop them.....

no matter how hard I PUSH the tears away. I HOLD them down. I hide them.
They just flow once given the opportunity.
My breathing gets heavy and my feet are dug in fighting but the tears fall. DAMN IT!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I think I lied.....

not doing that great today.....

A week later

and I think I am doing ok. Well not bad actually. I can't help but feel a lot guilty though. I have had some great support from a few friends. One friend also told me that my feeling of "gypping" the baby is really not from God. Cause I feel like if we tried again I would be gypping the one we just lost. But my friend said if that were the case then I wouldn't even WANT to have another after Cooper. God loves children.
I sometimes feel like I still have some pregnancy symptoms but I know that it is all in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, oh we would have been able to see the heartbeat this week. But I have to stop myself cause it just ends up consuming me.
I am still VERY angry and snap at a lot of things. I am REALLY tired too. I am not mad at God just angry in general. I have started to think about it as God was looking out for me. Of course there are TONS of questions as to why. Why He would allow someone to go through this when He knows the heart ache.
As a friend said though, God gave up HIS son. So He knows and understands this heartache. Maybe, just maybe He may use me to help someone else.

The last week I have had a few verses really stand out and be a help in this time for me.
Proverbs 3:5,6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Romans 8:28.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have received both verses before. Prov. on April 13, 2005 and Rom. on March 17, 2006. That is another thing I have noticed I need to get back into. The last time I opened my promise book and actually wrote something down was August 3, 2007. Almost a YEAR!!
Things do work for the good of those that love God. It really is hard for me to see right now that this can be of any good. It has brought me closer to understanding a few friends though. So that must be good. It has also brought me closer to another friend.
Trust in the that He knew what was going to happen and He knew what I would go though. That is still a tough one. I don't really understand why He, the all knowing God, would "allow" someone to go through this. I don't think I ever will understand.
Gives me a bit of peace though knowing that Jesus is up there with my little baby and that He is taking care of the baby. So a week later and I feel a little more at peace. But am finding the events playing over and over in my mind. I feel guilty for feeling at peace. I feel guilty for moving on. But I have to.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Not that brought a tear to my eye....

we are supposed to be camping right now. But I just couldn't handle things and we came home early. On the way home I was just sitting thinking. On Thursday we got an ultra sound that showed an empty cervix. So the baby was not there anymore. They left me alone to look at that DANG picture for a bit until I was ready. I kept looking to make sure they didn't miss anything. As if they didn't know how to do their job!
So on the way home Cooper was in the back talking away.
"mommy otay?
"otay mommy?
"sad, mommy. Otay? Otay Momyy. Baby?"

Then Phil and I looked at one another and Phil said, "Is mommy sad about the baby?" Cooper all sad like said, "yeah....."

Brought a tear to both our eyes. Well made me ball.......
How does he know!!!

Got this poem from a friend.....It made me cry but made me feel like I could deal easier. I am mad at God but am realizing that He did this for a reason. What I don't get is if He knows every page in our books why He would allow miss carriages to happen. I guess I am just at a stage where I don't understand.

In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

and today is.......

a cranky day.
Why would God let this happen? Why not just get my period rather then toying with my emotions. I had JUST allowed myself to be happy about it on Tuesday when I got my numbers in. Then cause I let myself be happy and excited I started to bleed.
Where the HELL does it say this is fair! Cause this is CRAP. It was a "club" I never wanted to be a part of. Now that I am, even if it was only 5.5 weeks it was still a baby. I can get a picture to prove it. But I am thinking no one is gonna argue Miss. Bitchy.
Now that this has happened I can ALMOST relate to others that have had it happen to them. I say almost cause you can never fully understand the pain and hurt of each specific person. And to think this happens to 50% of pregnancies! grr....

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Quite possibly one of the worst days of my life

So Phil and I decided to have another baby. We got pregnant the first month again. Although it was a hard start, to the point where I got tests done to make sure I was pregnant.
So the first HCG test results were a 7. Then on the next friday, as in this last past Friday, I got my levels at 38 and a positive test. Good signs. Sunday another positive test. Then last night my world went spiraling down.
I started to bleed. Went to the ER. Cervix was still closed so it was a 50/50 thing still as to whether or not I would lose the baby. Today still bleeding and found out my HCG levels from last night went down to a 13. I am miscarrying.
This sucks BAD. It so isn't fair. I am being torn a part. This is something I NEVER wanted to experience. I have an ultrasound tomorrow just to confirm what I already know. There is a very big nieve part of me that hangs on to the false hope that everything will be ok. But I am only fooling myself.
I am praying for God's strength cause God knows I don't have it myself. This is really breaking my heart. I may delete this post but apparently you are supposed to talk about it. So 5.5 weeks in I lose the baby. WHY GOD! WHY!!!!!!
I am angry, frustrated, confused etc.....