Saturday, January 31, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Comfort Zones

I really am starting to think that they are over rated.

If you know me really well you know that to start out I am a shy person. If I don't feel in my element I am very shy and quiet. I know it is hard to believe!

Tonight I went to a course at a local church teaching about the Old Testament. I am really excited to learn about it. Just one problem though. I didn't know anyone. I sat next to people at dinner who I didn't even know. They were all chatting but I was shy and quiet. There was a point where I was almost in tears. TOTALLY felt all alone in a room where I am surrounded by people. It was my own fault for feeling that way I am sure because I didn't step out of my box.

I felt so out of my comfort zone. I felt so uncomfortable. Then I saw someone I knew from church. So I talked with her a bit. Then it was time to go in to the sanctuary for the class. Oh dear. Here we go again. All these people. Feeling too shy to step out. A friendly face smiled and waved, acknowledged that I was there. So that eased me a bit. The tears were right on the edge because I was SOOO uncomfortable.

I looked around knowing my exits. Figuring out my exits that would allow me get out of the room if the panic or anxiety kicked in. I think that is why the tears were there. I really felt like God was stretching me. I was NOT comfortable with it at all. I just kept praying to Him.

I have some things on my mind but I give it over to Him completely with Faith and Trust. I hand things over to Him repeatedly and trust my Father with outcomes and answers and protection. So in this moment I felt wrapped up. I felt scared. I knew that it was not of God. So I kept trying to turn it back to Him.

Then all of a sudden I see the lady that I ran in to at the dinner. I looked up and gave her a shy smile. She told me to come and sit down front with them. So I hesitantly went. So I knew a few people there after all. But because this was all so new to me I was feeling detached and nervous. I went and will continue to go out of excitement to learn more about God.

Then we got in to the lesson. Then the HAND ACTIONS started. Yeah, that is what I said....HAND ACTIONS. WHOA GOD! How far are you going to stretch me here? So I hesitantly did the actions, fearing looking like an idiot (although EVERYONE in that sanctuary was doing the same actions). I started to free up a bit then he asked us to face our neighbour and do the actions to them. Yeah no eye contact there. I have gotten bad at keeping eye contact with people, I think it is because I worry they will see right down in to my soul and how unsure I am. How weak and vulnerable I am. How much my spirit aches inside.

So tonight I was pulled this way and that, so out of my comfort zone. Trapped in a box that I don't really want to be in but am too nervous to fully step out. I guess fear stops me a lot. Fear is NOT of God so I need to work on that. I find it easier to talk to God, it is just a matter of remembering to stop.

Makes me wonder how much God will stretch me. Is He going to stretch me until I break? What if I break? What if the pieces are too small that I can't pick them up, that even God can't put me back together. Comfort zones are good things, they keep you in check but sometimes on days like today they suck. The tears sat on the edge. I warmed up near the end. I am afraid to be broken. I am afraid to be vulnerable. Good thing God isn't afraid. I don't like Him stretching my boundaries but I am needing to try to just lean on Him and trust completely that HE in fact does know what He is doing.....

the tears welling and the feeling I had sucked monkey butt. I hate being shy and feeling vulnerable. But you know what? I am human. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am NOT strong. But I can be all of these things IN GOD.

So hesitantly I thank God for stretching me and I wait to see what He has in store....

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A welcomed bonus

Today Cooper and my daycare boy were just getting to me. It was non-stop bickering and nagging. They really do fight like brothers! So this evening I decided to take them out in the stroller for a walk. At 4pm. I was kind of pushing it because the little boy would be picked up soon.

But I went anyway. I walked and ran. Half and half. It was cool but great. Then on the way home it was great. I was listening to my worship music and then all of a sudden I realized the sun was going down. I saw a pretty sunset. Me, the boys and God.

Didn't even think about it getting dark when I headed out. Then just a sigh of relief and just taking it all in on the way home. It was beautiful. Such a welcomed bonus to a wonderful walk.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Praising in unusual circumstances

last night our car was broken in to. I am not sure how they got in to the parkade but they got in to my car because Phil left the doors unlocked. I know someone was in the car because my insurance papers were everywhere. Things were pulled out of the console and my driver side doors were both open, not fully latched closed....

Now normally I would give Phil an ear full. I have before. This time I wasn't even mad. I thanked God for it. Odd hey? Well this is what I look at.....

my doors could have been locked then the thieves would have just broke the window to get in. Then I would have had glass all over the vehicle seat and the kids car seats.
I would of had to pay a $300 deductible to get a window fixed (even if they catch the person(s)I wouldn't see my money back until they went to insure a car in their name. Been there done that before.)
They could have damaged my door.

Also they didn't take my CD player or my MP3 player. So I praised God about that too. They didn't touch the carseats. They were both still tightly installed. No cuts or damage done to them. So another YAY!

Sure I feel violated. If I told you I didn't you could watch my nose grow. Yet even though this is all happening and has happened I sit here praising God. It could have been worse. That is so new for me.

I am learning a lot and yes I believe I still need to lean on God. I choose to look at the blessings and the good in this situation rather then the bad. There is something uplifting and freeing about that. Sure it sucks monkey butt that it happened but we are safe. Nothing was taken and I praise God.

Feels good to praise....

here are some pics:
glove box emptied

contents on seat, from glove box and center console

This is hard to see but there are finger prints above the handle here.

Both doors open.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


and I have NOT lost Hope, or Faith.

I am realizing that in my heart and in my spirit I really haven't given up on Hope or Faith. If I had I wouldn't keep reaching back out to God. The bible does teach us to lean on God, to give our problems to Him, that his Mercies are new every morning.

"we all stumble in many ways." James 3:2

It doesn't say that we shouldn't stumble or we won't stumble but we ALL stumble. Every last one of us. I think Satan wants me to think that I have no hope left. That I can't FEEL God. The thing is that it doesn't matter if I can't physically FEEL Him, I know He is there. How do I know? Through Faith.

How do you know air is there? Faith. How do you know atoms exist? Faith. I don't physically see God standing beside me but I know He is there through Faith. I don't need more then that. I certainatly don't need Satan telling me I have no hope left or no faith left. I won't let the world engulf me. I can't do this on my own. I can choose to follow Him. I choose to be happy in Him. Now to make sure I actually follow through with it.

I have not given up. I have Christ Jesus in me. So I stand prepared for battle knowing I will win with Christ. He is always with me. He will not leave me. He will come close as I come closer to Him. "Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:8

I will choose to have freedom in Christ. I will keep going and I won't believe the world's lies. I won't believe Satan's lies. I won't believe lies in my own mind. I am not alone and I am so grateful for that...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It's dark in here...

I have felt engulfed by darkness lately. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my voice and no one can hear me. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a thick fog and can't seem to find my Savior's hand. I am wanting to reach but I can't see it. I can't feel Him because the fog is so thick and weighing me down.

Yet He is there. I know in my heart that He is there. He is holding me. God will help me through this. Christ Jesus will be my strength when I am so weak that I can't go on. When I feel like just laying on the floor and letting the fog engulf me He is there holding me up. I just have to believe it. I have to call on Him.

I read this today:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:5-6

God forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for being a wave tossed back and forth. I am sorry that I am struggling. I am sorry that I am in such a dark place. I am sorry that I feel so lost.

"baby I am right here. You are not lost, you just need to feel My arms wrapped around you. You just need to find the Light. My Light is right here."

I want it Pappa, I really truly do. I want you in my whole being. I want to feel you more then ever.

"The battle will never be easy but I am here. I am here to share the load, to share the burden. Remember my burden is light. I will fight for you. I will always fight for you because you are WORTH fighting for."

I am so grateful for God. I am so thankful that He won't leave me. That He is here even though I am in the dark. Even though I am struggling and hurt You are ok with that because You will help me through every step of the way. I can be very honest and say that in this time I get scared. I get very scared. That I can't feel Him, I can't hear Him. That I will be lost to the darkness forever. Yet He tells us to never give up hope. Although I feel like I have given up I know that I must keep fighting. I must ask God to be my strength, to give me wisdom in this battle. He knows that I am not strong enough or wise enough to do this on my own. I guess there comes a time when you have to reach out of your comfort zone to others that will help to carry you through. Others that you can trust. I can tell you that it is VERY hard for me to let down my guard. When I let down my guard I am weak. However, I don't think I am meant to be strong. I think I am meant to be strong with God. Not apart from Him. Not while doing it on my own.

So although this is dark and thick fog I will try my hardest to keep searching for the Light. To hold the Light within me. To become a light in this world. God help me....

Thankful for His mercies in all this time.
"Because of the LORD'S great love we are not consumed, for his compassionas never fail. They are new every morning..." Lamentations 3:22-23

Monday, January 19, 2009

James 4:8

"Come near to God and he will come near to you."

I sat here trying to think of some amazing words to say in regards to this verse but in actuality I think it speaks for itself.
The further we step away from God the further He feels from us but as soon as we start drawing near to Him he pulls closer to us. He pulls us in. I can just picture Him like a parent with their arms outstretched waiting for us to run into them. Once we get near to Him He is closer to us and His smile broadens. He grins ear to ear and whispers with gladness, I am here. I am so glad you came to me child.
You have to do the work as well. You have to go near Him in order to feel him come nearer to you. But the thing is, I think He is just waiting. Waiting with open arms. Nonjudgmental and full of Grace.
God is good.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


Cooper did it!

He pooped on the potty!!:thumbsup: I am so so so proud of him! :love:

since yesterday he has started to tell people that he has to go potty. So all day he will say, mommy I gotta potty. So I tell him to go. He goes into the bathroom all by himself, pulls down his pants and goes. Then yells he is done, gets down then pulls up his underwear and pants. Then I turn on the water and he washes his hands.

Tonight we went for a walk and when we got home he said, mommy I need pee. So I told him to go. He said, my tummy hurts. I told him I would be right there and to try to go potty. I walk in there and I smell it (sorry too much information) then I sat down with him. Encouraged him and he did it!

I swear Phil and I were MORE excited and we were doing the YAY potty dance. Cooper loved it. Then he said I done, underwear please.

I just had to share!!!! Such a good boy. So we close week number two on a good note!

The Battle Ensues.....

I have been reading a book called, "Roll Away Your Stone" by a pastor named Dutch Sheets.

The book is good but the only thing that confuses me is when he speaks Greek. I mean that in the literal sense too. I am not good at pronouncing foreign words and when he uses them I struggle with it. But once I get past that I am good. LOL!

He talks about how we are made up of three parts. The spirit, the soul and the body.

He refers to the sub-conscious mind as the spirit. Where God can freely talk to us without having our conscious mind fight Him and put things in the way. Our conscious mind is the Soul. Then I am sure you know what the body is.

Now since Dutch Sheets has said this it has made things a little more understandable. Just a little. I have always heard that it is a constant battle for our soul. Our soul, our conscious mind. Because if Satan can win over our conscious mind or make thoughts so loud we won't be able to hear our Spirit speaking to us. That is why a lot of people have dreams that come true or they can hear God more clearly when they sleep. When we are asleep we don't have our mind going a mile a minute to take over thoughts from God. The bad thoughts, the untrue thoughts and the painful thoughts of the conscious mind are so loud that you can't hear God right there. Satan works in the soul. He implants lies, fear and more lies. Fear is not of God. So it must be of the enemy. The enemy giving us the fear so that we become so wrapped up in it we in turn end up not trusting God. When we don't trust God we are in essence telling Him He doesn't know what He is doing with our lives. That I know how to take care of my own life. Which is a TOTAL lie. I cannot control my own life. I don't know what I am doing. I SAY that I trust Him but every day I nail things over and over to the cross. It is sometimes the same thing but written out differently. Well most of the time it is the same thing. Satan does NOT like that. He wants me to hold on to the fears, to believe the lies and to keep myself wrapped up in the worldly thoughts and lies that he helps to feed me.

The closer I get to God the more of a battle it is. I know in my heart right now I am struggling. It is like I have lost God again. That He has abandoned me. Yet I know in my spirit, in my heart, that it is not true. God is RIGHT HERE. I just need to push Satan away. Tell him to get lost. Wonder if you can tell him to go back to hell and stop bugging me! I know I can definately tell him to bugger off.

As I try hard to fill my conscious mind with God the battle gets worse. The loneliness engulfs me. The painful and untrue thoughts flood my mind. I keep telling myself over and over that I am a screw up. That I am a failure. That I am in the wrong. Why? Because that is what I know. Those thoughts are in the forefront of my mind. They are way too loud. So the battle of my soul continues. I will admit it is SO hard to just wrap my head around the fact that I didn't do anything to DESERVE God's love but that is the point. That even though I struggle, even though I fight I have God as the Captain of my Spirit. He will help me fight the battle if I let Him. If I stop pushing Him back to the tents. If I ask Him to join me on the front line.

So the battle ensues for my soul. I want God to win and I will work hard at trying to replace these negative thoughts with thoughts from God. With God's word. It is really the only true thing out there. I stand shaking, scared to fight and weak. But right here, beside me, in front of me, behind me, above me, below me, God is here. He has wrapped His armor around me and will help me to fight. When I am weak and tired I just have to call on Him. No one said this would be an easy journey. No one said there wouldn't be a fight. I am God's child. Not Satan's. So I fight and will continue to fight for my soul.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' - unknown author

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Got this message from a friend today....timing is good as usual!

When we are feeling unloved and depressed and empty inside, finding someone to give us love is not really the solution.
--Gerald G. Jampolsky

Each of us wants to be significant to someone else. And we are - we're significant to all the lives we're touching at this very moment.

The emptiness we sometimes feel is a good reminder that the women and men in our lives need our attention. Too much self-focus fosters our feelings of loneliness, and then with desperation we look to others to fill us up. The paradox is that we heal ourselves while offering our attention to another who is, by design, on our path.

It is not by chance our lives are intertwined. Loving someone today will heal two wounds, ours and theirs.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Hope You Dance

This is a song by Lea Ann Womack. I will post the words then have something to follow. So bear with me....

I Hope You Dance
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion, always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder, where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
I hope you dance, I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years
And wonder where those years have gone)

It really made me think about God. Makes me wonder if God thinks that way of us. Does He hope that we dance? That we never lose our sense of wonder? Lovin' is a chance worth taking. God is worth that chance. He is worth those moments. He is worth living.
Does he want us to put out our hands towards His and take His hand when He asks us to dance? Does He want us to dance with Him?

I can picture it. God, LORD ALMIGHTY, holding me close. Spinning me around. Hoping that I take this time to dance with Him. That I keep dancing as His bride. He hopes when one door closes, one more opens. That is how He works, from my experience. He closes one door but if you are patient and ask for guidance you will see He hasn't left you stranded. He has opened the second one, the third one etc.
A lot of the lyrics in this song make me kind of picture God saying them. Almost makes me feel like it is saying not to give up. To keep dancing with God. To keep on the journey. He is the best dance partner you can ask for.

I am not sure this makes sense but I still wanted to share as it makes me feel like it is almost what God may want. That He wants His children to dance. To not give up. To keep pursing Him. The path to God is full of resistance and struggles but His yoke is light. Satan doesn't like you getting close so of course it is going to be a journey. But it is one worth taking. It is a dance worth enduring. It is a partner strong enough to carry you through.

I hope I dance. I hope to be in His arms dancing with Him in heaven. I hope to dance in Faith, Love and Trust. I hope YOU dance.....

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

My little guy

is getting so big. He isn't as little anymore....

He sure has my lip color...

December 31, 2008 033edit2

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Not sure why this bothers me....

my dear Aunt passed away on Christmas Eve. She was a sweet soul. She passed at the age of 56. I know that may sound pretty young but for her it wasn't.

My Aunt had down syndrome and lived 40 years past her expected age. My grandma is the one to credit for that. She never belittled my aunt or treated her differently. She treated her like any of her other kids. She took her on outings and kept her active. She only went into a home 2 years ago. Grandma couldn't deal anymore. Which is amazing because she is well into her 80's if not early 90's. I am not exactly sure.

The funeral is in Chilliwack this Saturday. I was ok with that and I know she led a good life. Then I was told the burial would be in Newton. I didn't even think about that possibility. I should have known. My dad is buried there and so is my Grandpa. There is a plot next to them.
My dad has been dead for 24 years but for some reason just thinking about going to that cemetary made me cry. I am not sure why. I don't remember him and it has been so long. I have probably only been there a handful of times. He didn't want to live past 30 (selfish if you ask me) and he died at 31 of a brain anuerysm.
I have a hard time because I feel unwanted by my family. I am not close to them at all. So going to be at this grave site is bothering me. I don't want to cry or anything but I feel the tears each time I think about it. Phil will come with me though. So that is good. I just am not sure why it bothers me so much. The fact that it bothers me bothers me. LOL!!

I have no idea what to do.
Wait a minute yes I do.

I have been praying to God for strength. Strength to not cry, to not let it bother me and to just move on. I know that I don't have the strength at all but I know God is so much bigger then me and I know He can deal with it. He can hold me strong through all of this.
Although I wonder WHY this bothers me I trust and believe in God. So I will still go even though my soul is saying to stay home. My spirit is telling me to trust God and to lean on Him and Him alone.