Monday, July 18, 2005

Button Pushing

I have always heard about someone pushing your buttons. If you are afraid of the dark someone will push them just to watch you squirm, if they are mean. Other times some people will know what makes you really mad and they will keep going at it until you snap.
I have learnt something. That I am a threat to Satan. That the closer I get to God the more he pushes my buttons. My insecurities. My self-hate and my doubt are just a few to mention. He keeps playing with them over and over until I eventually believe them. Or until I get knocked down so badly that I am paralized and can't move. Until I see the hate and the evil engulf me but can't move one muscle. I can't call out to anyone. I try to call on Jesus but I can't. My mouth doesn't work. It is pretty scary to know that Satan can push and push until he feels like he has the upper hand. Then out of my mouth will come a very audible whisper to Jesus. A whisper so faint that you woudn't hear it to the human ear. But that is ok. Cause Jesus heard it. He heard it loud and clear. Satan heard it. I call to Jesus and he sets me free. Then all of a sudden I can call louder and louder. That is when the battle gets even more intense.
Satan likes to work on pushing any of those little buttons he can. Making me doubt myself and others to the point where I start to think that he is right. Then I see that he is so wrong. Even in my darkest moment I can whisper to Jesus and that is when He hears me like I am actually screaming. I get so tired of the button pushing. Does Satan? I don't think so. He will keep pushing and pushing. I think that those buttons are starting to get too worn out sometimes and he doesn't even have to try hard. But God is so much more freeing and loving that I know I can turn to Him.People push your buttons until you snap. So does Satan. One day all it will take is for me to snap and he will know that he has won. No. It can't happen. I won't let it.
So, I reach out to other Christains. I reach to God and I can just imagine Satan squirming in his seat cause he is going to, be defeated. I am defeating him and he knows it. So do I. I have God and that is what matters the most and he doesn't like that.
The closer I get the harder he fights. I can't let him win.
Does any of this make any sense to anyone else? Barely makes sense in my mind. I just know that my insecurities are the loudest when he works at me. They are already forgiven. My sins are already washed clean. So back off Satan and leave the buttons alone. God and I are disabling them. No one said this journey and this battle would be easy. But I have an awesome coach and with His help I know that anything is possible. I also have a few good "men" to support me on my way. My army is growing stronger and Satan's is getting weaker.
Thank you Jesus.

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