Saturday, July 30, 2005

Daily Inspiration

The greater part of our happiness depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances.

-Martha Washington

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Not in my timing but His

I always thought that by the time I was 20 I would own my own car. Nope. 26 and just got my first car. Thought by 25 I would have my own home. Nope still renting and paying someone else's mortgage. That is just the way things have turned out. I have some regrets but am happy.
I regret that I never finished college. Actually did one semester at full time failed two out of the four classes and never went back. Now I wish I had some sort of career. Lordco is not a career at all.
It has just been the last week or so that I realized that this is all God's timing. It is what He may want now. Phil and I both have reliable vehicles right now. That has to be God. It worked out too perfectly. I almost feel lost to my own life.
I feel like God is lining things up. Setting them all up one by one. He is the one putting my life on track and helping me to feel more secure. I was afraid of my old car dying. Got a new one and I never even thought to look at that type of car. It is almost like it was just for me.
Lately I have been wanting to run away from some things. But I can't. It isn't possible. I am where I am and going through what I am going through for a reason. He tells me that He is not finished with me in that area. God knows the outcome and why I am where I am. I just need to trust Him and know that it will all work itself out in His timing. Not mine.
I want the pain and the hurt to just be done. I try to ignore it. But it is like God is telling me that I am not working through it like that. I get some rest from things and then it is right back at it. It's like He is telling me, now that you are done pushing it away let me heal you. Let us work through this together. Little by little.
I think that I am done and He tells me that I am not. That there are more steps to follow. So right now I sit here thinking ok bring it on, let's do this and get it done and over with. He tells me that it is not time to push through it right now. "The healing takes time. It has started and it will continue all in My timing."
I really feel like God is setting my life up the way He wants it. It scares me but makes me smile just thinking about it. It overwhelms me sometimes. He really knows what He is doing and it is time that I trust Him. It is moments like this when I take the time to look back I smile. Yeah He knows what is going on. He knows what He has for our future. So it is time to take it day by day. Little by little. Time to work by His clock not mine.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Anyone got cheese for my Whine?

So yeah here I am about to whine, yet again. I do that alot. Ooops.
Today I have to go to the specialist again. I am such a baby. I am very nervous. I don't want the needle but do I take it so it may help in the long run? Last time the doctor missed and said "oh, let's try that again. Looks like I missed." Yeah easy for him to say, he's not the one getting the darn thing in the arm. It isn't a small needle either. At least it doesn't feel very small!!! Last time I cried like a big darn baby when I left the office. Couldn't even drive. Had to calm down first. It is tough driving with one arm. I could barely move my shoulder. Crappy.
I asked Phil to accompany me so that someone was there to hold my hand. Can I BE any more pathetic hey?? But he can't. Kind of a stupid request anyway. He would have to miss work and what sense does that make. Oh well, I guess all I can do is pray. Then cry afterwards and hope that no one sees me I am just nervous and this is my nervous ranting here. What if this time it hurts more? Darn it!! I need to be strong, I need to be tough but it is so hard.
I am so pathetic, I know, I know. I notice when things scare me I tend not to comprehend what the doctor says. It's like my mind is elsewhere.
Oh well.
Lord let me use the strength I know that you truly bless me with. Remind me of that strength and please let me feel you holding my hand during this. Amen.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Sunbeams and butterflies

A little while ago Sushi posted something about being romanced. That in bible study we were challenged to see in what ways God was romancing us. Did you know that if we just look for it we can see that He is doing so more and more each day?
I have determined that His way of romancing me has been sunbeams and butterflies. The sunbeam part I get. The butterflies still make me think.

Ever since I was little I always thought that Angels were coming down to Earth on the sunbeams that I saw streaking through the clouds. I didn't believe in God at that time. I believed in angels though. If I didn't where would my dad be? Kind of silly actually. It was something that seemed to make sense and kept me going. How could I believe in one and not the other? I always felt a presence but it hasn't been until my adulthood that I have found God and realized that He was that very present feeling that someone was watching me. I never really thought of those sunbeams as being romanced until Sue pointed it out to me. I literally stopped and thought. Dead in my tracks so to speak. I had a hmmmm moment.

Now the butterfly thing. I like ladybugs. I don't collect butterflies and have never really felt like they were something that I would. Until now. I am not the one that loves butterflies but it seems to be the way that God shows me that He loves me. The other day at the lake there was one literally inches from my finger tips. When he finally would get scared enough to fly away he would. Sue said she watched the butterfly go up and do a complete circle around me and then land right back where I was. The butterfly was playing with me. Yesterday at work I saw one twice. I got out of the car in Chilliwack while doing a delivery and one flew right around me in front of my face. I smiled. Then on the way back to Abbotsford I was caught at a light in Chilliwack just before the freeway. Then here comes a butterfly right across my windshield. You don't see that much! Then on my way home the sun hid behind the clouds for a brief moment and I saw the sunbeams. I took off my sunglasses to look but didn't see them as well but when I put them back on it was so beautiful and obvious. I laughed. I actually felt overwhelmed and felt tears. It was for me. Selfish? Probably but it was for me. Just me.
God loves me. God loves all of us. Like a child I once again feel giddy. I feel warmed by His love and just want to shout it to anyone and everyone that will hear me. Stand on top of the highest mountain and scream it out at the top of my lungs.
Sunbeams and butterflies are God's way to romance me. What are yours? Are you listening? Are you paying attention?
He is so amazing.
Thank you Lord for your amazing, endless love. I love you.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

One Year Ago Today......

God brought into this world a little angel. I will never forget that day. I had been waitng to see this little one forever. My niece was going to be born. I remember the anticipation of having to get to the hospital. The tears that streamed down my face when I saw Rod, Michelle and Grandma giving the baby a bath. I remember pointing at her while I was holding flowers and balloons and a teddy bear. I remember holding you for the first time and feeling you in my arms. I will NEVER forget the day that God blessed this world with our "Little Miss".

Watching you grow over this past year has been very exciting and memorable. I love the way you know me and you can always find me. You know who your Auntie is and that makes me feel so special. You knew me from day one. I can't wait to hear you call me Auntie and to hear Uncle too. Oh and the fun that we will have. We love you Little Miss Payton. You are beautiful. You are special. You are our little angel.

Happy First Birthday Payton!! Your Auntie Misty and Uncle Phil love you very much.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I have a thought running through my head....

Thought I would Shout it out for you all to hear....


Just a thought I figured would be good to share. I am overcome with His love this morning. More than usual. I feel like I have butterflies.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Spiritual Gifts

A while back I did a little "test" on what my spiritual gifts were. I thought, oh great here we go we won't find any there. It is not necessarily a gift that you may recognize right away. Anyway, I did the test. Reluctantly at first. Wondering if I would get anywhere on the "scale" or not. Or if God missed me that day He was giving them out. I did the test and realized that my meaning of spiritual gifts was just a little off base. Wow. The results actually made sense to me. I could see it. I never thought of them as that. Never thought that what seemed to come so naturally and pleasantly to me was a spiritual gift.
Recently I got to use my spiritual gift. I just thought of it as helping someone out. Then a friend pointed out to me that it was a part of my gifts. That I had just used my gifts for what they meant to be used as. It was the coolest feeling in the world.
I have noticed lately how giddy I totally feel again. How excited I get when I realize, or am shown, that I am being used by God. It is a totally awesome feeling. I had felt like I lost it for a bit but maybe I just wasn't paying attention anymore. Then I started to wonder, Is there any way I can get a job using these gifts? How awesome would that be.
Yeah, never happy with what I got..... I know. Wanting to run but there is NO way that I can. So I start to think about other things I can be doing. How fulfilling would it be to be used by God? Everyday. I know we are but sometimes I really wonder why He puts me in places and situations that I think I can't handle.
So, anyway just a bunch of ranting here. I really, truly do loved being used by God. It is scary and unfamiliar sometimes but all worth it.
One of the girls that was training me is also a Christian, has been all her life. We were actually talking while we were driving about God and about Jesus. She told me that it was nice to talk to someone about all this stuff. She and her friends have grown up with church and she said that they never really talk but it was nice to be able to talk to me about some of it. I told her that I may not have the answers but I can try to talk through any questions she has or find the answer she might need. Again, being used. Feels awesome.
I love knowing that I wasn't skipped over and that He did give me special gifts. Unique to me. I love using them. Wish I did it more often. Something I will have to remedy I guess.
Isn't God awesome!!!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Button Pushing

I have always heard about someone pushing your buttons. If you are afraid of the dark someone will push them just to watch you squirm, if they are mean. Other times some people will know what makes you really mad and they will keep going at it until you snap.
I have learnt something. That I am a threat to Satan. That the closer I get to God the more he pushes my buttons. My insecurities. My self-hate and my doubt are just a few to mention. He keeps playing with them over and over until I eventually believe them. Or until I get knocked down so badly that I am paralized and can't move. Until I see the hate and the evil engulf me but can't move one muscle. I can't call out to anyone. I try to call on Jesus but I can't. My mouth doesn't work. It is pretty scary to know that Satan can push and push until he feels like he has the upper hand. Then out of my mouth will come a very audible whisper to Jesus. A whisper so faint that you woudn't hear it to the human ear. But that is ok. Cause Jesus heard it. He heard it loud and clear. Satan heard it. I call to Jesus and he sets me free. Then all of a sudden I can call louder and louder. That is when the battle gets even more intense.
Satan likes to work on pushing any of those little buttons he can. Making me doubt myself and others to the point where I start to think that he is right. Then I see that he is so wrong. Even in my darkest moment I can whisper to Jesus and that is when He hears me like I am actually screaming. I get so tired of the button pushing. Does Satan? I don't think so. He will keep pushing and pushing. I think that those buttons are starting to get too worn out sometimes and he doesn't even have to try hard. But God is so much more freeing and loving that I know I can turn to Him.People push your buttons until you snap. So does Satan. One day all it will take is for me to snap and he will know that he has won. No. It can't happen. I won't let it.
So, I reach out to other Christains. I reach to God and I can just imagine Satan squirming in his seat cause he is going to, be defeated. I am defeating him and he knows it. So do I. I have God and that is what matters the most and he doesn't like that.
The closer I get the harder he fights. I can't let him win.
Does any of this make any sense to anyone else? Barely makes sense in my mind. I just know that my insecurities are the loudest when he works at me. They are already forgiven. My sins are already washed clean. So back off Satan and leave the buttons alone. God and I are disabling them. No one said this journey and this battle would be easy. But I have an awesome coach and with His help I know that anything is possible. I also have a few good "men" to support me on my way. My army is growing stronger and Satan's is getting weaker.
Thank you Jesus.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Growing in Faith

The last while I have had people mention to me how much I am growing. Someone told me that she was amazed by my faith. She said, look at that faith. What do they see?? I don't see any of it.
I know that I am growing and it seems like whenever I get down and into the thoughts that I am lacking the faith I need to grow, someone will tell me how much I am growing. Or they will tell me how cool my amount of faith is. What?!?? I don't see any of that.
Then I saw it for one brief moment. I had a nagging feeling and when I listened to what my heart was saying I believed it was right. I believe that I was supposed to listen and follow through on what was being told to my heart. I listened and believed that it was really God talking to me and let me tell you, the feeling I had in my heart after was amazing. Before it was all nerves. Wanting to back out. I listened relying on faith and faith alone. That He wouldn't steer me wrong and I don't think He did that day. You can only imagine how excited I was and how proud of myself I was to just know that I listened to what He said. Whether it was right or not needed, I still took that step and listened.
Then there are days where I wonder, Where are you? Why do I feel like I have no faith in you?

He is working on some interesting stuff in my life and it scares the crap out of me. I am so scared that now that He has opened this door He may just turn His back on me and leave me there to suffer alone. This week I have done pretty good at trying to ignore it. Not thinking about the door He is opening. I am scared that now that I have started to go through this door there is no turning back. I lay in the middle of the entrance my heart torn and bleeding. Laying here feeling like I am left alone with my wounds wide open, bleeding and pusing (nice visual hey!!) and that there is no one to help heal me. The lack of faith? It hurts to think that I am lacking faith in Him. I have been let down and abandoned. I have come to that conclusion and now that I am there I am scared to death that He will leave me too. Others did. That He just won't care anymore. I know what I have been taught tells me otherwise. Yet I am human and my head tells me to not even go there. I will be abandoned again. Hide behind the mask. Keep it there.
So. I really don't get it when I am told that my faith is pretty cool and that my growth is getting there. There are moments when I agree that yeah, I am growing. Then there are moments like this when I wonder why I am fooling myself.
What about this thought. That maybe, just maybe this is God. That in my times of weakness and self-doubt he sends me a little message. Ones coming from others I barely know telling me about my faith. Maybe He is showing me that I am growing and that I do have the faith. He is sending this message through people from His mouth so that I can hear it and believe it. I don't believe it when I am told it. Yet ending this with the thought I had makes me think that yeah, I am growing. I do have faith. So why don't I ever feel it? Sometimes I will laugh and tell myself that I am really growing. I guess it all takes time. I just wish I saw what others see. What God sees.
Am I really growing in faith? Why can't I see it??

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Police Chase in Mission

That is exactly what Sue and I saw on our way home from bible study tonight.

We both noticed a cop go flying past us one way then when we got near the lights we saw that there must have been an accident. There was a female cop out of her car stopping the traffic from continuing. You could see that she was totally pumped on adrenaline. We didn't know why. Then the next thing I knew I saw her talk into her walkie-talkie thing and then she was practically jumping up and down in spot. Watched her grab something from the car. Next thing I know she threw down a spike strip!! Up from behind us comes this pickup truck flying at like twice the speed limit. He went over the spikes. There was another cop right behind him, chasing him. So instead of turning we decided to go straight, the way the truck and the cop went. Wondering if we would see anything. To no avail. The truck was going so fast that it was totally nuts!! They were long gone. I just hope that no one gets hurt during all this.
People say there is never anything interesting happening in Mission!!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Like a child

I am such a little girl sometimes. And quite frankly it scares me. It scares me that because I don't act how a 26 year old "should" act makes me a pathetic person. It scares me that I may loose friendships over it. Yes I am 26 but I sure don't act it. I do really act like a child. I see the looks that people give me. I get self-conscious about whether or not I may be pissing off or embarrassing my friends.
I "played" dress up yesterday and got some good laughs cause Neil was dressing funny too. Yet in the back of my mind I kept wondering if the ones I hold dearest to me in my life would end up rolling their eyes or walking away from me. I started wondering. Did I ever play dress up as a child? Probably. I vaguely remember a box that had some clothes in it. But don't really remember playing around in them. It makes me wonder why I act this way. Growing up I had to set an example for my younger siblings. I was always told, well you're the oldest. I sometimes wonder if the way I act now is just out of pure freedom of being able to act like I can enjoy myself.
Then there are times where someone treats me like a child. They talk down to me or tell me what to do. How to act appropriately and what to so and what not to say. When that happens I feel stupid. Really stupid. I feel that my life needs to be controlled by them and that I need to grow up and act my age. They judge me and for that brief instant they take away my spark. They make me feel inadequate and unworthy. That right there should be enough to stop me but I don't. I still act like a child.
I hope I don't embarrass anyone but at the same time I know I must. They are putting up with me and that is hard enough. My friends accept and love me for who I am, a child or a "proper" adult.
I giggle. I get giddy. I get excited about going to the PNE, the thought of going to Disneyland and even just going out locally either camping or swimming. Those are things that I love doing and the part of me that shows that is the six year old that just can't contain herself.
I am so much like a little kid that it is crazy. I hope that I don't embarrass anyone. I start to think that I might need to change how I act and what I do. Then would it really be me? Would I have this much fun with life? Right now I am having so much fun and it has been a while in the making. Do I sit back and take it when people tell me what to do and talk down to me? Do I let them push me around and tell me how I should and shouldn't act?
I often wonder, this is how God made me isn't it? Does He want me to keep being the child that I feel I am? I am His child but also an adult at that. So do I lose the playfulness? Do I lose who I am just because I am afraid of losing my friends and those that I hold closest to my heart? Do I lose me? Myself?
Like a child I am filled with so many questions and I feel like I have no where to run with them. I have lost the innocence of being a child but do I really need to grow up and act like my age? Do I need to conform to how society would view a 26 year old? Or do I just continue being the way that God made me. I don't know but like a child I am hiding in anticipation of whether or not I am being a proper "example". The resounding answer is no. But do I care? Obviously or else this blog wouldn't have been written. I guess I better go and be a grownup. I just don't really want to lose who I am. I am like a child.

From Captivating

"It is one thing to suffer. It is far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it." p. 175

Friday, July 08, 2005

Camping Pictures

Got some of them uploaded. Both on Flickr and my fotoblog. There are even pictures of the kayak. (Niki) In Flickr you can view them as a slide show. That is fun.
These are only a portion of them. Still waiting for the others.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Celine Dion

Ok, Ok... Before you roll your eyes at me bear with me. I heard a song by her today and I started thinking. It was probably about a man or someone in her life. More than likely a man. I started to wonder, what if that man was God. Then it seemed like the song made sense to me. The words all seemed to fit. It happens because He loved me. How many times does it feel like He is the one who was always there. Even though I am fighting Him, He is fighting FOR me. It may seem weird or morbid to think of God in this song but that's just who I am I guess.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful (baby)
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

So, now that I have put an idea into your head does it make sense? Or does it really prove how nuts I am?
I am everything I am Because He loved me.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

He is there

Even in your weakest moments God shines through. Some how, some way He pushes through to your heart so that you may listen to His words. So that you may trust Him.
I have found that I have a really hard time running to God or trusting Him with things that I believe I can fix on my own. I never had a dad to run to. So how do I know how to do it? That is my thought anyway.
For some time I thought that I was really reaching out to God but I have come to realize that maybe I haven't been. Maybe I have actually been the one pulling away. He is reaching but I am being a child and running from Him. Knowing full well that He still will find me. That I can't run. I can't hide. But I can choose not to reach back. I can choose to be stubborn. That is really getting me far!!
I am so tired of running. Tired of my digging to hide. "The walls I've built are falling; and Your waves of Grace are washing over me."
I know in my heart that it is time to let those waves wash over me. Time to let the grace engulf me and pull me closer to Him. Yet I still believe the lies. I let myself think that they are true. When will I ever grow up? I would cry out for Him yet I find myself thinking that He is tired of me and that I do not deserve to have it all stop. I deserve the torment, the nightmares and the hate. When will I believe Him?
Lately small things keep arising to remind me that He is paying attention. That even though I may not be ready for healing or experiencing what He has in store it is ok. He has different plans. He keeps gently pulling and pushing. Keeping me to go through the doors. Yet I plant my feet firmly against the door frame and put my arms against the wall. Not going any further! You can only hold it that way for so long. I get a moment of being tired of fighting and He uses that to remind me not to fight. He uses that split second to come to me and try to tell me that it is ok. Yet I replant my feet and decide to fight. How terrible of me. I am slapping Him in the face and it hurts. Yet I still fight. Thinking that I can't handle it. Am I really that wrong?

Monday, July 04, 2005

What an awesome day!!!

Today was an awesome birthday. I woke up to Phil saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Then when I checked my inboxes I had some birthday cards. That was cool. Thanks all who sent one. Then I went out to breakfast with my mom. Which was weird in itself. Then I got to go shopping with Sue and then visit Michelle.
I was kind of disappointed. Sue and Michelle were both busy and I was hoping to get together with some friends for dinner. So Phil decided to take me out on a "date". Sue told me to have fun with my husband at dinner. Michelle told me that she had to watch Andrew.
So, Phil came home and he decided to take me to Milestones for dinner. We walked down to the truck and he opened my door and handed me a dozen roses. Six red, three white and three cream. Then we drove out to dinner. As we were pulling in I saw a friend of ours pulling into a spot. Phil said he was the only one of my friends that were available for tonight.
We walked into the restaurant and followed the waitress up the steps. I looked and saw Sue and Michelle as well as Payton and Andrew. I was surprised. I was met at the restaurant by the people I love. Rod was there too. It was awesome.
This is the first time I have ever been surprised for a birthday and the first time I have ever been sung to at a restaurant. It is definitely a night to remember. I was surprised and got a free slice of cake!! I hope I never forget this night. I couldn't have imagined it to be any better. Oh and at Milestones they take pictures of the person celebrating their day. I got the Polaroid in a card that said making memories and everyone at the table signed it. So cool.
Thanks everyone!!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

The First Day

Ok. Bear with me here. This is the only picture I have so far. I have to get the others off the cameras.

So, the first day - Thursday- I left at 8:30 that morning. In the morning we packed the car and then when 8:30 rolled around I got into the car and went to drop off my house keys to my cat sitter.
I got to the campsite at about 10/10:30. (Somewhere in there). So I drove around and picked out the three sites I thought would be best. The lady at the gate told me that it was good that I was so early cause she predicts that the whole camp ground would fill up by noon. It did.
So I parked my car and got to unpacking. Went for the tent.
At first I was dissapointed with the tent because I thought it had two rooms and when I set it up I noticed it didn't. Then I continued to unpack it. There was the divider. Two rooms!! Then it has a summer fly and a rain fly. I put both on.
Started to pump up the air matress. It is a queen but double thick. It is two matresses in one. Pop the bottome one you still got the top one or vice a versa.
As I was setting everything up I realized how much of a walking advertisment we were for Canadian Tire. I think it was Dennis that ended up asking later in the weekend if we get something for advertising the company. Our sleeping bags, air matress, air pumps, tent, tube and rope for the boat were all things from Canadian Tire. It was pretty funny. I love my new tent. The rain fly goes all the way to the ground all the way around and is made out of tarp material. We were dry. Slept really good the rest of the weekend once I got some earplugs (thanks Sue). Did you ever realize how wonderful those ear plugs are? Yet I do realize that they could be dangerous. But I slept soooo well.
Warning. More info and pictures are to come. You may get sick of it. Hehehehe.

Praise God

This weekend was absoulutely wonderful. It did rain a little here and there but other than that it was great. Sunday was beautiful went for a tube ride. Everyone got there safe and sound. The tents were up before the rain on Friday night. What a wonderful weekend and I thank God.
I had so much fun with everyone and I hope they did too. We are glad we went.
Thank you God for such an awesome weekend and for holding off the rain.
I am going to lay down for a while now. Too much sun today. I will be posting pictures eventually here. Including ones of Sue and I on the tube behind the boat.
Trust me... more to come!!!