Thursday, March 30, 2006

When the novelty wears off

There is an individual in my life that has always been a struggle to be around but there is nothing I can really do about it. All my life I would get my hopes up about this person. Maybe they are changing. They would say they would come and visit then at the last minute think of a reason not to come. They didn't come to my baptism because this person had a headache from being out in the sun all day. In reality if they just would have told me that they weren't comfortable with it then I wouldn't have minded.
There was rarely a time when I wouldn't get off the phone with them and not be in tears cause of the way they made me feel.
At the start of the pregnancy things seemed to start looking up. But at the same time I had learned not to get my hopes up. Once they were up there was further for them to fall. I started to take whatever they said lightly without thinking that they would actually pull through. It helped me to not be hurt so many times.
There were phone calls and excitement on the other end but still I kept myself closely guarded. I wasn't going to be hurt anymore. Then it was brought to my attention that maybe this was God's way of opening a door to this relationship to grow and become what it needed to be. This is not someone I can just shut out of my life either. It doesn't work that way in this situation.
Now getting closer to the end the phone calls have stopped. The excitement is gone and a part of me misses that. I don't think that God is closing that door just yet, I think it is a work in progress. It is just that the novelty of the pregnancy has worn off. It is no longer new news. Even when I called and told about the contractions and the dilation there was no excitement. Yes, I do realize there may be things going on in their life right now that clouds all of the joy but at the same time I knew it would happen.
I didn't get my hopes up. I had done that enough in the past. I learned. I am trusting God with this particular relationship. I know that when my little guy is here the novelty of it will be back but it won't last long. It is sad really to think about it. That a relationship of this magnitude is based, or seems to be based, solely on what the other person can get out of it. It hurts. I have cried a lot. I am done crying now though. Was done a long time ago. Sure there are times where I do cry but it would be nice if I didn't feel like I was a part of a novelty to this person and that there was genuine interest. There isn't. There doesn't seem to be.
God is working it out and I am being patient. So I think anyway. The door stays open and I will not slam it shut but at the same time I know the next stage will just be another novelty and sometimes I just get tired of it.
It does hurt when it wears off. When it feels like there is really no hope. God has a plan in this situation and I can only wait to see the outcome and do the best I can do on my part. What would Jesus do right?

3 comments:

Kaylyn said...

There is a person like that for me too. Our should I say 2 persons. My heart could not take the pain anymore. Personally, I have closed the door. It hurts at times. But I am happier now, then when I was in contact with them. And for that I will not rekindle the realtionship.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry miss. I was hoping this time. Love you.

Radlife said...

I have learned that people will always let us down. But Jesus never will.
God Love You
Radlife