Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The River

A powerful and beautiful creation of God.
A dried up river makes you feel an ache within your heart that makes you long for the water to cascade down it's banks to fulfill it's glory. If you follow the dry river bank as far as it goes you are sure to find water. No matter how dead and dried up it may look, somewhere along the never walked upon path of it's bed you will find water. Sometimes ever so faint. Sometimes just trickiling through the stones.
Then you watch the water go through so many different stages. It can go from being absolutely quiet and serene to raging. White caps that tumble over one another like it is a race to the bottom. Causing little whirl pools of activity and noise. The beautiful sound of the water rushing over the rocks.
Follow it a little more and you will watch the white caps turn into a serene pool. Where the water lazily gathers and forms a calmness that you can lose yourself in. Lingering at the pool for a bit dipping your toes into the water. The chill is immense but ever so calming. So you stand there soaking it all in. Letting the water dance around your ankles. Dance around your knees. Watching the sunlight bounce off the rocks under you. Making it's interesting and unique outlines within the water where not two are the same.
Stepping out of the pool and walking further down the rapids start again. Roaring over one another in the race to reach the next pool. Only to come to a sudden stop when it hits the dry banks again. But ever so persistent it keeps smashing over the rocks in a race to fulfill the bed. Ever so slowly. But with an unbelievable amount of force.
The river lately has given me a reminder of God. That river bed is my life. The journey that I experience in my day to day life. One moment I feel like the water, God, is barely there. Then the next I realize that the water is always persistent and always existing. He may take me through rough spots and waves that seem impossible to swim out of. That knock me flat on my butt and knock me around within it's power. The struggles that make me feel like I will never be able to surface above them. Just as I start to get too tired to continue and feel my head start to sink below the surface He drifts me into the next stage. Down out of the rapids into the calm.
Taking each step as a season. Taking each powerful crash against the rocks. Calming within the pool for a while. Only to know that in the future I may get those waves again in a different circumstance. I may feel totally dried up and dead but when I search deep enough, and sometimes just below the surface, I am alive. I am alive in Christ. The ever flowing, all existent water. When I am thirsty He will fill me. Always there for the next wave. The next calm. The next dry spell. Never alone.
Thankful that God is so ever flowing with His love and his grace. With His forgiveness. That He is always there for His children. Even when I feel like I am forgetting He is pushing through the dry bed and bringing the water of life back into my soul.

Monday, September 26, 2005

A rant... a little personal...

Lately I have been in a whirlwind of emotions. I have gone from happy to just wanting to punch something. I don't think it has entirely to do with the pregnancy either.

Have had some stuff on my mind lately. Not too sure exactly what it is yet, I still need to figure that out.
I was driving home last night and I was just going over my day.
I had gone for a walk at a river and accidentally dropped my cell phone into the water. I stood there looking down for a minute. Said a few choice words, well actually one over and over. Then I was like, why aren't I picking it up? I bent down and grabbed it. As I turned around to go to the shore I slipped and smashed my hand that was holding the phone. Hurt the pinky finger but the phone was ok.
I slumped myself down onto a rock and wanted to cry. Over a phone? How pathetic. I never did cry. I fought it all the way. Maybe things are building up and that was just enough for me to want to go ahead and open the floodgate. For some reason I couldn't let it go. I was so mad at myself. (I did come home and saw that Phil had totally dried it out and it seems to work fine. Thanks Phil.)

I've noticed that when I am mad at myself I run myself down. Call myself an idiot, a loser and so on. A bad habit of mine. I guess it becomes like a defense mechanism. If I do it then the other people don't get a chance to. I beat them to it. It hurts when I do it but it hurts more when others do it to me. This is something that I really need to stop. I don't need this child to do the same thing.
Even when I am in the company of people that I know won't call me names like that I still do it. On the way home I was talking to God. Thanking Him for people in my life that listen to me and support me because they love me. No strings attached. I feel bad sometimes for going on but it is ok cause they are willing to listen. Reminds me of God. Always there, not judging providing a ear for me to spill things out to. And it is ok. Loving me for who I am not for what I do. I was thanking God for being that way and for giving me wonderful people in my life that are the same. That are there for me and willing to go through the muck and the mud. The dirt and the grime. In tears I drove home just talking to Him. Praying to Him. Thanking Him.
I am so blessed and am so thankful.

Well, this got long and it is my rant for the day. Probably for a couple of days. I need to work things out. Things I am not even sure how to start working on. Feeling alone and frustrated but knowing that I have someone there all the time. If not for me then for my child. I need to be stronger. I need to be a good example. Thankful I have examples of what not to do and wonderful examples of what to do in my life.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Our Daily Bread

Be still, My child, and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently—I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide,
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side. —Hein

"Pop the hood, check the oil...."

About a month or so ago Phil had lost his wallet. I was frustrated. He is always misplacing it. Always. We always seemed to be looking for it. So in the begining we searched for it. High and low.
Just before our trip we had given up. Phil put his hands on my face and said, "Misty it is gone. Give it up." I wasn't convinced. We were praying for God to give Phil or myself some dream or idea of where it might be.
Got a phone call from Phil this morning. He told me that for the last two weeks he has had a thought come into his head. A simple phrase of, "pop the hood, check the oil." He said that he had already checked the oil in the truck so he didn't pay attention to it but was confussed as to why the thought was still going through his head. So this morning the thought came again while he was sitting in his truck. "Pop the hood, check the oil."
This time he listened. He popped the hood and when he lifted it there it was... His wallet sitting right there under the hood. I laughed. I said that maybe he should have listened to what God was saying sooner. He was just laughing.
He phoned his mom and told her the story. She said, "in the guiet God's voice will come as a whisper." Phil told her, "He was sick of whispering so He finally yelled it."
So this morning was a good laugh. I guess Phil might take these thoughts a little more seriously. He is going to make sure he keeps closer tabs on the wallet. I knew it wasn't fully gone, I knew it. He said that He is going to listen a little closer to what God is saying. Ahhh.... stress relief. Now I don't need to replace all those cards for him. What a funny man....
When we gave up humanly God kept going.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Father, You're amazing....

So this morning I wrote a blog. If you saw it earlier you may have noticed that I removed the post. I am having a weird morning. Part of me wanting to reach out to someone and just talk about it but another part of me telling me that I don't need to. That it is too hard to put into words. That I don't need to bother anyone.
So I removed the post. As I was going into the kitchen these words went through my head,
"I need to be still and let God love me."
It is a beautiful song and although I have posted it before I am going to do it again. Those words went through my head. So I came into the computer room to search for it. I opened my media player and found my playlist. The song that was highlighted and that started to play? "I need to be still".
I literally sat here with my mouth dropped open. I leaned into my chair and closed my eyes as the music played. My lower jaw started to quiver and I felt the tears coming down my cheeks. I didn't get it, why was I crying? I was crying cause I am so amazed. Amazed that a song that I haven't heard in a long time is highlighted and started to automatically play.
God definatley came to me. He reminded me of the song and as I sat with my head back and tears falling I thought of how cool it is that He knew exactly what I needed to be reminded of. He knew what I needed to do.
Father, You are amazing. Thank you. A God moment that I was in so much need of. I needed to be still.

I Need to be Still

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

I need to relax and let God take over
I need to relax and let God take over
He'll take this load off my shoulders
I need to relax and let God take over

When there's trouble all around me
And my soul cries out for rest
When I feel that I'm falling
Even though I've done my best
When decisions get so heavy
And there are answers that I need
I know it's time to just be still and let
God love me

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

I need to be still and let God love me
I need to be still and let God love me
When this old world starts to push and shove me
I need to be still and let God love me

Written by: Archie P. Jordan and Naomi Martin

Thursday, September 22, 2005


Better known to the blogger world as Sushi.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

a copied post.....

Michelle did a wonderful and simple post. It was a reminder to me to not focus on what pain I feel or how stressed I feel. So I think I am going to write out a few things I am thankful for.

-My husband. He is so supportive and does so much for us. Don't know what I'd do without him.
- God's gift of the child growing in me.
- a wonderful vacation and a safe trip home.
- people who love me. Especially my friends and family.

Thanks Michelle for the post. Something I will work on remembering everyday.

we're home......

and I want to go back! I bet everyone would agree with me!!
It was a beautiful weekend. Had a lot of fun. Except my stupid neck won't stop hurting. I would love to see that day come around.
You know you are home when....
You get tail gated on the way out to bible study (none of that there)
You get bombarded with a ton of things - already!!
You feel stress out.

But boy oh boy was it nice to crawl into MY OWN comfy bed. My cat was just yelling at us for attention. Just like a kid.
Great to be home.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

And we're off

soon to be leaving. Got up at 5 this morning and kept wondering why. Now having the chance to sit here and relax I understand. I get very flustered. I am glad it is all done and I can take a breather. Been awake since 4. Think I'll sleep on the ferry?
Have a great weekend. Pray for nice weather for us.
Looking forward to some God moments. Anticipate a few. Ecpecially the scenery on the way over. Haven't been that way in a long time.
So, Until Tuesday (unless we steal a computer there!!)

Friday, September 16, 2005

Little bits of useless information

Why am I up?? I am wanting to crawl into bed and stay there. But see I am going away for four days so the anal person that I am needs to clean. Someone else is coming into my home to feed the cat so got to make sure the place is clean.
Sue, Dennis Phil and I are going away to Victoria for four days. I haven't been there since '92. Grade seven field trip. Leaving first thing tomorrow morning. Like a little kid I am having issues with being too excited. I bet I won't get any sleep tonight. We get to go on the ferry!! We might even go and see a butterfly museum thing. The last vacation Phil and I took away like this was for our wedding four years ago. You know, the kind where you actually take time off work. I AM SO EXCITED. Simple thing I tell ya.....
Don't really want to clean though. Have to check my lists off. Make sure everything is packed. So much to do.

Oh and I have to through something in here about baby. Man are my stomach muscles being stretvhed and conformed. I can't stretch, or even sneeze, without feeling I am about to pull those muscles. I sneezed like 8 times early this morning and twice more now. Man!! Sneezing sucks!!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Into the double digits!!!

So I am 10 weeks. Into the double digits. 10 more weeks until an ultrasound to see our little angel and about 30 more to go. I still am excited!!!
I will post pictures when I can. I got a really cure maternity outfit. The first. First of many to come.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Dark Places we fight

We all have been there. In those dark places where we scream and yell to get out but feel like we just can't. Battling the darkness and believing the lies.
This is captured in an awesome imagery that gave me shivers. This gentleman has an awesome gift of writing and showing us the pictures that we are too afraid to draw out for ourselves. To unwilling to admit.
Within the darkness will come voices that are loud and cause us to listen to the lies. But somewhere in there a "Voice echoes out a battle cry that our hearts are good, and true...."
I hope I didn't copy too much of it but check out the entry. Like I said it gave me shivers and I understood and imagined the place that he was talked about. I understood the good voice too.
Check it out. I linked it above.

Monday, September 12, 2005

"First Time Mom"

That is the name of the book by Dr. Kevin Leman wrote. Michelle loaned it to me. So far it has some interesting points and in some spots it hits the nail right on the head.
One part I read was:

"It's selfish to rob others of the gift of serving you. Sure, it might be a bit humiliating to ask for help., especially if you are used to doing things yourself. But some parents, friends, and in-laws will be touched beyond words that you're reaching out to them and are willing to admit that you need their help." P. 40

Now that hit me. I am not good at asking for help for myself. I would rather struggle. I don't admit that I need help even though I know I do. I have started to admit to some but struggle with it. I never thought of it as blessing someone. The author was talking about letting people help you when they ask. Hmmmm........ yet another thing to work at. I think I can, I think I can..........

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Son

As you can tell from my previous entry I was worried about whether or not I was hurting God or pushing Him away. I was worried that I would push Him so far that He wouldn't come back.
I now know that it is an insecurity of mine. I guess it always will be. In my moments when I feel like I just can't measure up and that I can't feel Him I doubt. I worry. I get scared.
I was told that I can never push Him away and that no matter what He will always be there. So I have leaned on that. I have believed that. I force myself to believe that I am ok and that I will be fine. That no matter what my insecurities are telling me, He is still there. That I am still strong in my faith and that I will still continue to grow.

On the way to work this morning I saw something that reminded me that the Son is always there. That God is always with us.
It was cloudy when I left not a hint of sky anywhere. As I pulled to the end of my street I saw it. A little patch of blue sky, ever so small, that let the sun peak through just enough to know that it was still there. Kinda like when God shows His face in those dark moments.
Made me think. That no matter what the day is the sun is always there. You can sore above the clouds and there it is. It can be super dark out but on the other side of the world it is their day. The sun will always come out. The Son will always be there. In our darkest moments as we rise above them there He is. Never faltering waiting for us to come above it. To help us to rise above it. No matter what He is there. The sun is there.
I needed the reminder and I thanked God for it. It is something I won't forget. In my darkest moments He is still there. Rising me up on the wings of eagles to come into His light. Into His grace. Into His beauty. To come to Him.
Thank you Lord that you are the ever shining light and that you are always there. No matter how dark and bleak the outlook may seem.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

"I am not giving you all this"

A moment in my life when I felt to overwhelmed I heard those little words.
I was putting so much on my plate and bombarding myself with so much responsibility. I have to do this, I have to do that. I need to do it all now. While talking through it and saying that I don't know why God wants me to deal with it all right now at this particular moment. I heard it. Like a whisper that just got louder and louder. Until there was no mistaking what was said. Was it my thoughts? I don't believe so, cause I was already telling myself that I had to fix it all. I had to deal with it all at that moment. Then He told me not to. That it wasn't what He wanted me to deal with.
Being afraid that I am pushing God away lately. Yet I am told that He can't be pushed away. That He stands firm. Scared that I was ignoring Him. Told that I am not. That I am growing.
I struggle to keep him in the forefront of my mind some days. At work the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I can sing to Him and worship Him all I want. My whole shift. Struggling to be the light that He wants me to be. Being told that I am. I can't see it. Why???
He is not giving this all to me. I am. I am putting the burden on my soul. I am putting myself through the stress. He is there waiting for me to take the deep breath to calm myself and turn fully back to Him. I am so glad that He holds me. That He can't be pushed away and that although I feel like I am doing just that I will be ok. I just need to look to Him. Sometimes He comes through the voice of someone else. But in those moments I hear it. I understand it.
He's not giving me all this. Neither should I.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Doctors and more doctors

So I talked to my doctor today about referring me to another doctor. A female doctor that I was referred to by a friend. I asked if he would be fine if I tried to go to the female doctor rather then him. He was perfectly fine with it.So, a month from now I meet a new doctor. A doctor that I have heard is so awesome. I heard that she even prays over the baby when it is born. How cool is that.I told my doctor that I really don't want a stranger delivering my baby so what happens if this new doctor can't make it. He told me that I can request that if she can't make it then he can be called. And he will come. He understands why I want to go with a female and takes no offense. So cool.So late this month I meet the new doctor and we go from there.Just thought I would give a bit of an update. So many choices tomake. I only pray that I make the right ones.

Daily Christian Wisdom

"The will of God for your life is simply that you submit yourself to Him each day and say, 'Father, Your will for today is mine. Your pleasure for today is mine. Your work for today is mine. I trust You to be God. You lead me today and I will follow.' "

-Kay Arthur

Got this from beliefnet

Monday, September 05, 2005

sorry guys....

had to use word verification. Got 7 spammers hit me at once!! I have had enough. There is a post before this one though.

"THE" Debate

Mid Wife vs. family doctor.

Ok. This may not exactly be the great debate but in my little world at this particular moment it is. Do I go with my family doctor or a mid wife??
My family doctor knows my past history and all the medications I have had to take. But on the other hand he is a male.
I have heard mid wife appointments are like an hour long. They are women. They would understand more of what I am going through and it may be easier to talk to them. But they can't perform emergency c-sections or use the vaccuum.
I asked Phil what he thought and of course, being a male (no offense guys), he doesn't know but he did suggest that I can do a blog and "poll" people's opinions.
Then if I go with a mid wife would my doctor still see me and the baby after birth? Or would I have to find a new one? Is there such thing as a Christian mid wife while I am at it?? That would be cool. My doctor isn't Christian as far as I know. He is a indo-canadian with a very strong english accient and a good guy. But maybe a woman would be better?
Hmmm... sounds like I am already leaning one particular way. What do you guys think???? The polls are open.

Hey!! Thanks Susie!! I saw the poll on your blog and found out how to use it. This should help!! Thanks!! ( I am not sure why the top is so long but it is, you get the idea though)

My Ballot Box

Mid Wife or Doctor???

Mid Wife

View Results

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Have you ever....

laughed so hard that you pulled a muscle in your ..... face?? My cheek hurts!!

More tests.....

ok, so the famous Classic movie I am is Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (ok Michelle I think we need to see it!!)
I decided to do the What Famous Leader are you.
This is what it came up with:

I can't decide wether this is good or bad........

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Why oh why....

do they insist on torturing me?

So, some times during the day you can really see the belly. It is there. At only 8 weeks? I still think that I am crazy. So why does Phil, my mom and Michelle (yes you've done it Chel) keep bugging me saying that it is twins.
They don't run in the family so it isn't possible. I think it is a boy and it is just big. But nooooo........ daddy keeps saying it's twins.
I am freaked out enough worrying about weather or not I can be a good mom to one. Not two at once!!!
I know it isn't genetically possible. So why does it keep swimming in my brain? Oh the joys of being paranoid and a mom to be at that!!!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

To Michelle and Rod:


love you guys.