Saturday, April 09, 2005

Ever Wonder?

Erin's blog got me thinking, dangerous I know, but....
You ever wonder what people would think if you left this world? I always had dreams and thoughts where no one would even notice that I was gone. The only people at my funeral was Phil and Michelle and Rod. Now, before you go and get all truthful on me give me a second...
One night Michelle and I got to talking about this. I told her that I know that she, Rod and Phil would be there and miss me but no one else. If looks could kill!! I got "the look" from her. She asked me, "what about your family?" I said that they wouldn't care and that they would get on with their lives not even noticing. She said, that I knew that wasn't true. Then she asked, "what about your church family?" I told her, give them a week then they would forget about me. Whoa!! I bet she just wanted to smack me.
I know that none of this is true but you ever wonder why you don't believe it? Ever wonder why you get these thoughts? I remember having a dream that night after talking to Michelle and there was everyone at my funeral. I couldn't believe it. Why? Why is it so hard to believe that people care?
Also, ever wonder why we put ourselves through so much pain when we hurt? When we hurt why do we beat ourselves up about it? It's not enough that we are in pain but we have to make it hurt more and hold ourselves responsible. Then trying to give that up many years later seems so impossible. How do we get these thoughts of doubt? We always wonder if we provided enough care, if we did enough for that specific person. If we changed enough lives. If we were good enough in others eyes. We always wonder, what if. Or we think, If only...
Ever wonder why it is so important to us to know that we are making a difference or making people feel comfortable with us? Why is it so important for us to know that we matter? God loves us and we are perfect to Him. He weeps when one of His children gets lost. So why is it never good enough for us to know that God has His plans for us and that we matter to Him? That He makes us important to others for a reason.
Ever wonder? I do all the time......

4 comments:

Mitch said...

Holy crap! I seriously just had a long sonversation ion this with one of my youth friends not even 10 minutes ago. I dont understand why i have to hold on to the things that hurt so much. Its as if making my life and relationships better are going to hurt me. ITS SO CONFUSING! But im sure the feeling will past and this is something i am working on which is forgiving and making mends and ill pray for this for you because just a few days i also talked to erin about who would come to our funerals and at first you get this depressing image of only two or three people who are only there because they feel they have to be BUT...we all know there would be tons of loved ones and im sure there would be at least 200 at your misty. Just think about that.

linda said...

I know when my mum passed away in '99,I was stunned at how many were at her memorial. The church was overflowing with people who's lives she'd affected. I thought of her as my mother who was always on my case about homework,behaviour,boyfriends etc, but she actually had this secret life of helping people and her church. There were people there I hadn't seen since I was in kindergarten and they all had wonderful stories about this "other"person than the one I knew..little things from teaching them how to sew, to being the church cleaner. I knew none of this. It definitely helped my sister and I in the healing process, but it also let me know that even the littlest thing you can do for someone can have a huge effect on them, and Misty..I know you do so much for others...you don't have to worry about no one showing up!

James Goudie said...

I think about it all the time

Connie said...

my family doesn't have memorial services, just a small gathering of closest family members at the graveside, you know, the people who would notice if you were missing for a hour or two, so I never think about this unless I read it somewhere. I read the questions once, "What would you like to be remembered for? What what would you like people to say after you're gone? What would you like your headstone and obituaries to read?" When I'm not being kind or true to myself, I ask those question, but I think having two or three people who really know you and really love you is a tremendous gift in this crazy life, Misty, and even just they are reason enough to live it for all you're worth.