Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Doing it Alone

Have you ever noticed that when we try to do things alone it just doesn't work? It builds and builds then breaks you down.

Well I find that with me anyway. I am a pretty sensitive person. I do NOT like to cry in front of people, I don't like to be vulnerable. Yet it is ok for OTHERS to do it in front of me and I tell them it is ok. I tell them to let it out. But is it ok for Misty to do? NO WAY!!

So I stuff it down and it builds. Builds and builds. I actually find that the more I try to push it down the more I can't seem to find God. It is like what I am stuffing is blocking it and building and taking over the Good.

Like the week I was losing the baby. I stuffed it down. I tried not to cry. I would "allow" myself when I was alone and in bed. When no one else would hear me or see me. Yet when I allowed myself that time it just didn't come. So near the end of the week I started to get angry. I started to get so flustered and confused I was having a hard time even FINDING God. He was right there but I was stuck in my own emotions that I couldn't even search for Him. My emotions took every other thought captive.

I broke down on Thursday and Sunday of last week. I foolishly cried in front of others. I broke down more in the hospital and I felt ashamed. I felt like I wasn't worthy of letting it out, of letting people see my emotions because MISTY was supposed to be strong, not show that I feel and hurt.

You know what? I DO feel and hurt. I am allowed to feel and hurt. To cry, to get angry, to not even have the words because the tears fall. I am allowed to be vulnerable and open. I feel God brings people into my life that I can be that way around. If that makes sense.

Heard this in my care group last night:
"I do not know of one person who has ever been healed by crying alone on her bed in the dark. Every person I know who finds healing for his or her wounds or strength to battle addictions or sin find it in the light of fellowship and love." pg 38 - When Wallflowers Dance.

I wasn't finding the healing I needed when I was doing it on my own. I broke down in front of people and I felt the heaviness release. I felt my shoulders shake while losing the weight that held me down. I didn't have to be ashamed. Although I felt like an UTTER FOOL during these times it was ok. God MEANT for it to happen. He meant for me to be vulnerable and He gave me the guidance and the feeling that there were certain people that were safe. These people could be the light of fellowship and Love for me. For God. They were doing God's work by allowing me to break. By being supportive and letting me get it out. By caring for me and praying for me. Two dear people let me shed the tears. Let me have the release. Showed me it is ok for MISTY to cry. It is ok for me to be vulnerable and that I was safe.

I can't do it alone. I can't be strong. I am weak, I am human, I feel. God is my strength and He sends the people into my life at just the right moments to help me carry my burdens. To help me feel and remember to reach for God, to help me carry the load to the One that has the strength to do so.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Ps. 68:19

"Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal 6:2

No where in those verses does it say anything about doing it alone. We are not created to do it alone. We NEED to lean on God. We need to reach for scripture, for God, or if we are so lost that we can't find the Light we need to reach for those that have a light shining so bright. Those people God has blessed our lives with so they can lift us when we are too weak to lift ourselves. I feel selfish when I do it. When I ask for prayer. When I break down and cry. But that is how I am created. I am created to reach out, to carry other peoples burdens and to share my own. Doesn't mean I take the burdens on AS my own but it means I can be the ear to listen, the shoulder to cry on or the arms to embrace. That is how God created me, that is how God created US. We are not to do it alone.

I am so thankful for the lights God shines in my life. I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone. I am thankful for Him.

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