Monday, November 03, 2008

"When wallflowers Dance" - by Angela Thomas

"When we are first learning to dance, it's always better to have someone to take you by the hand and whisper softly in your ear, 'No worries; just watch me, follow my lead. I am going to teach you exactly what to do.' "
pg 26

The start of week two in this book is above. I think I am learning through this book as well. I really do learn well through reading, understanding and experience. What she said here made me wonder. How many times had God taken my hand, whispered in my ear; no worries. Just watch me. Follow my lead. I am going to teach you exactly what to do.

Wow God. Thank you that YOU know what to do because quite frankly I am at a complete loss.

"I know you are child, that is why I am here. You just have to open your heart to me."

Well God, I am too scared to. I am letting my pride and fear of the unknown take over. The fear of being vulnerable. The fear of being transparent.

"fear not...."

God grant me the wisdom to do this. The support that I may need during these times. Thank you for your love, for your word, for your messengers. Thank you that when I am weak, vulnerable, tired and scared you take my hand and tell me No worries.

Not sure where that all came from. But as I head into areas that are unknown to me I am understanding that He is there. That there is His word to guide me, those with His wisdom to give a gentle push to carry on. I want to know Him more. I really truly do. Thankfully He knows how to do this dance. Thankfully He will take me and my two left feet, into His arms. Into His love and embrace.

Ok I am to learn. Teach me....

ok.....another entry here.....9:30am
I went on to page 28 and was like DANG!!!! That is ME!

"Now, pile up decades of those small struggles for all of us, and the soul grows weary. Dreams fade. We can become numb, and many of us try to stay numb. Trying not to feel because feeling might hurt again."

HOLY SMOKES!! I have just been saying that to someone this morning. Yet I didn't use the word numb, I used the words brave and strong. However, I am really thinking that numb is a better word.
I don't want to cry because I feel foolish. OR is it because I don't want to hurt again. Heck yeah! Who DOES want to hurt again. Who does want those wounds opened further to make you think more. Yet I have been told to let those tears fall. To let myself feel. To not worry about what others may think.
To be honest I wonder what GOD might think as well. Am I a screw up? Is He going to think " she goes again!"

I think numb is a better word. Numb hits the nail right on the head. Do I like to feel numb? I think it is a dual answer. Yes and no. I don't like to because I am not myself. I don't like to feel numb because it doesn't allow me to grow.
I DO like to be numb because I feel safe, I don't feel vulnerable and I won't have to hurt again.

I am starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I need to ALLOW myself to feel that hurt. To feel the pain. To feel the hot tears stream down my face and acknowledge that I am worthy to let these feelings out. I am "allowed" to do it.

Funny, because I is time to move on. Time to let the wall down, to say screw it to the numbness and become who God has made me to be. There is so much I can post about right now but I will save my other thoughts for another day. Thinking takes too much time and is very over rated. Yet I still do it.

time to release the numbness. To move keep going.....To dance.

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