Friday, November 28, 2008

I am a fraud.....

so I think. I wonder if God thinks the same thing?

I try to read the Word. I try to engulf myself in it. Why do I feel so detached.

I was talking to a friend this morning who mentioned that I let myself be transparent sometimes. That I don't try to hide behind a curtain of "perfectness".

That is the thing. I am FAR from transparent. I don't let people in, I build up walls, I wear masks and I think that other people are allowed to do things but I am not. Like being vulnerable, it is ok for someone else to be vulnerable but not for me. It is NOT ok for me to break down and cry in front of people. It is a weakness. It is weak for ME to be transparent, vulnerable and to let it go. It is NOT ok.

Sure I sit here and type things out and parts of my life so I can get through things. But do I talk about it in "real life"? Nope.....not so much. I have broken down and been vulnerable in front of a couple people lately but they made me feel safe. Told me there was nothing wrong with it. That I was ok to cry. I hold a double standard for myself.

I am having a hard time eating healthy this week and I fell from it. I was "weak" and gave in to a burger rather then my usual, as of late, side salad and a bottle of water. Here is a vulnerable point.....I look in the mirror and ALL I SEE is F-A-T. I feel my collar bones because I have lost weight but it is not enough. I can't see them enough. Same with ribs or muscles on my legs. It is never enough. I actually don't look in the mirror anymore. Just at my face. Which isn't pleasant either. :P

I am guilty of feeling jealousy as of late. But I try REALLY REALLY hard to lean on God and give it to Him because that feeling is not OF HIM. It is from the enemy. I have been told that God loves me. Yet I am having a hard time believing that. Yeah, that is rude of me but it is how I feel. HOW can He love me! HOW! I am far from perfect. Guess that is how.

The old tapes of not being worthy, being ugly, fat, stupid and a moron play louder and louder. Yet I need to acknowledge that God is perfect and He loves me the way I am. I need to believe it deep in my soul. Need to believe that although I am NOT worthy of that love He thinks I am.

I will tell people of His love yet it can't apply to me. I am not worthy of it. It is not meant for me. I am a fraud. I hold double standards for myself. I wish I could allow myself the things I tell others. Allow myself to be vulnerable without feeling weak, without feeling ashamed, embarassed, guilty or stupid.

God help me to be the person you want me to be. This can't be it. This isn't a Godly person. Forgive me. I hope you are not ashamed of me.....


Lana said...

I just want you to know that I was ALWAYS envious of your eyes and beautiful lips in highschool. Your face IS pleasant. I hope you can see that too. :)

I know your post isn't exactly about looks, but how you feel. Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts and struggles. It is so brave of you. My blog is all "fluffy". Lol. You know, all the day to day stuff, not turmoil and stuggle. Trust me, we all have it!
I just want you to know that I really DO think you're brave and strong. No one "weak" could be strong enough to fight through their struggles. :) I pray for you every post you write, whether it "good" or "bad".

Miss-buggy said...

Lana....thank you! I wish I saw what you saw. I do like my eye color. My lips are a lot lighter now though.

thank you for your kind words and prayers. You brought tears to my eyes :)