Sunday, November 30, 2008

I can do I can't.....

I have been very excited lately learning more and more about God. Worshiping, reading and writing. I have been trying really hard to become better, to heal past hurts and lies.
I was talking to a friend of mine last night and they said:
"You can’t change yourself, only He can. You can’t heal yourself, only He can."

of course I never thought of that! No matter how hard I try, no matter how many sermons I go to, no matter how much I read I cannot change myself or heal myself. Only God has the strength to do so. Only HE can make me be a new person in Christ.

Sure I have to do my part. I have to read scripture and worship etc but I won't be able to MAKE the change. Only the Master Surgeon can do that. Only He has the right tools to do the delicate work. To open my chest and expose my heart yet know how to keep it safe while delicately working His fingers effortlessly, smoothly, kindly and with great know how.

No matter how hard I try, I will never be able to do enough. I can't do any of this without the help of God. I can't do it without Him. By filling my heart, soul and mind with His word, His love and His truth I am telling Him that I am ready. I am ready to heal, to grow and to learn. I am ready to trust.

I have a hard time trusting because people have hurt me. PEOPLE have hurt me. NOT God. He will never hurt me. I may be taken through tough times but I am not alone, He is there leading me through. Telling me that I will be ok and to trust Him. That He will NEVER EVER leave me. He is my life. He is YOUR LIFE.

God really is good. Can you imagine, giving up YOUR one and only son? Giving him up so you can save the world. A world that ignores you, hurts you, sins, lies, steals and chooses to walk away from you. HE can choose to make us love Him. Yet He doesn't. He has given us free will. We are able to choose to accept Him. We are able to choose to dance with Him. To let Him do the healing, the growing and the living. He "let" Jesus die on that cross because He loves us. I even have a hard time imaging that He loves my son more then I love my son. That is a lot. I think about having to sacrifice my son and I wouldn't be able to do it. Yet God did it! How Good is a God like THAT!

I am sure I make no sense but the point is that I can't do this myself. My friend was right. Only God can do this for me. So I excitedly open up my heart, raise my hands to worship, and dance in His light. In God's timing I will heal and grow more. In God's time not my own. I can't do this but HE can.

Thank you God that you are such a faithful, loving, great God. Thank you that I can't do this on my own. That you are the Great Surgeon and that You can do this. You are so great, so good, so loving and so faithful. You amaze me. Thank you!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

A friend sent this poem to me.....a sigh of release from me....

By Maya Angelou

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain..
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

God Bless You!

Friday, November 28, 2008

I am a fraud.....

so I think. I wonder if God thinks the same thing?

I try to read the Word. I try to engulf myself in it. Why do I feel so detached.

I was talking to a friend this morning who mentioned that I let myself be transparent sometimes. That I don't try to hide behind a curtain of "perfectness".

That is the thing. I am FAR from transparent. I don't let people in, I build up walls, I wear masks and I think that other people are allowed to do things but I am not. Like being vulnerable, it is ok for someone else to be vulnerable but not for me. It is NOT ok for me to break down and cry in front of people. It is a weakness. It is weak for ME to be transparent, vulnerable and to let it go. It is NOT ok.

Sure I sit here and type things out and parts of my life so I can get through things. But do I talk about it in "real life"? Nope.....not so much. I have broken down and been vulnerable in front of a couple people lately but they made me feel safe. Told me there was nothing wrong with it. That I was ok to cry. I hold a double standard for myself.

I am having a hard time eating healthy this week and I fell from it. I was "weak" and gave in to a burger rather then my usual, as of late, side salad and a bottle of water. Here is a vulnerable point.....I look in the mirror and ALL I SEE is F-A-T. I feel my collar bones because I have lost weight but it is not enough. I can't see them enough. Same with ribs or muscles on my legs. It is never enough. I actually don't look in the mirror anymore. Just at my face. Which isn't pleasant either. :P

I am guilty of feeling jealousy as of late. But I try REALLY REALLY hard to lean on God and give it to Him because that feeling is not OF HIM. It is from the enemy. I have been told that God loves me. Yet I am having a hard time believing that. Yeah, that is rude of me but it is how I feel. HOW can He love me! HOW! I am far from perfect. Guess that is how.

The old tapes of not being worthy, being ugly, fat, stupid and a moron play louder and louder. Yet I need to acknowledge that God is perfect and He loves me the way I am. I need to believe it deep in my soul. Need to believe that although I am NOT worthy of that love He thinks I am.

I will tell people of His love yet it can't apply to me. I am not worthy of it. It is not meant for me. I am a fraud. I hold double standards for myself. I wish I could allow myself the things I tell others. Allow myself to be vulnerable without feeling weak, without feeling ashamed, embarassed, guilty or stupid.

God help me to be the person you want me to be. This can't be it. This isn't a Godly person. Forgive me. I hope you are not ashamed of me.....

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Nice way to start the day.....

Psalm 100

1 Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

2 Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

3 Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his [a] ;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Psalm 37:4

thanks to Jillian for this....

"Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart."

That is all I keep thinking about lately. That God WILL give me the desire of my heart. SOOOOOOO many around me are pregnant or are announcing. But I will in God's time.
Sure I find myself I am jealous of other people's STUFF but that is not what we are supposed to do. So I just keep learning more and more about God. I thank Him for what He has given us. He will give us our desires, we just need to delight in Him and wait for His timing. Whtether it be on this earth or in His presence in Heaven.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


I don't watch Ellen normally. But for some reason I stopped on it for the last 20 minutes today. She had Beyonce on. Beyonce shared a beautiful song. I loved it. Sounds like God to me and like she was singing to God. I am not sure the title.....

That's why I love you (Flaws and all)

Every now and then without warning
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
I'm a puzzle yes indeed
Every now and then without warning
Have a complex in every way
I can be really mean towards you
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
And yet, you see the picture clear as day
Ever complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
I don't know why you love me
Catch me when I fall
And that's why I love you
Accept me flaws and all
You catch me when I fall
And that's why I love you
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you [3x]
And that's why I love you

I neglect you when I'm working
Second Verse
When I need attention I tend to nag

I'm a host of imperfection
I neglect you when I'm working
And you see past all that
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a peasant by some standards
I'm a host of imperfection
But in your eyes I'm a queen
And you see past all that
You see potential in all my flaws
I'm a peasant by some standards
and that's exactly what I mean.
But in your eyes I'm a queen

You see potential in all my flaws
And that's exactly what I mean
I don't know why you love me

And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all
and that's why I love you [3x]
Ha a ah(5 times)

I don't know why you love me
[Repeat Chorus]
And that's why I love you

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that's why I love you(2 times)

Ha A Ah (out)

Monday, November 24, 2008

God's love

For some reason I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I did NOTHING to deserves God's love. You did nothing, I did nothing. His love is so huge that no matter what we do, what we did or how we feel God loves us. He will never stop loving us. He will hurt with us, He will rejoice with us and He will just be with us.

This weekend I have heard messages of love from two different services and then this morning I got it in a devotional. I really think God is trying to drive the point home to me. I really think He is trying to get it through my thick head. So why is it so hard?

"WE love because he first loved us." 1John 4:19 (emphasis mine)

From the purpose driven life daily devotional today:
"We need to reach a day when we finally, fully understand how God loves us completely and unconditionally. We need to become secure in the truth that we cannot make God stop loving us."

Wow! You mean no matter what I do He will always love ME! I won't do anything that makes God disown me or cut me off from His family? That truly amazes me. Growing up you are always worried about doing something wrong to the point where you will be cut off from your parents love. I have felt that. Who hasn't? Then to think of God as my REAL Father and think that He won't ever cut me off? To think that I won't ever do something so bad that He will throw in the towel...tell me how worthless I am. Tell me how stupid I am. Tell me that He has given up on me. Tell me that I am not worth His time.
I can't honestly say that I do understand HOW God loves us completely and unconditionally. I just find I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. Can YOU wrap your head around it? God gave HIS son because He loved us. He loved the world so much that He gave up His only son. Wow. THAT is love!

So I need to really work on realizing that He loves me no matter what. That He will ALWAYS love me. It frustrates me that I find this so hard to wrap my head around. Why?
Apparently I am perfect in His eyes. The way I look I am perfect. (I find that hard to believe). But in essence if I insult myself am I not insulting God and His love for me? one said this would be easy. When am I going to learn...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Our Daily Bread for today

I was sitting in the living room with my inlaws at their house when they did the devotional for today.

It really seemed to resonate with me. Talking about how the church should show love and not be divided. One "class" on one side and the other on the opposite side.

We read from 1John 4:7 God's love.
Two verses really stood out for me.

4:16 & 18

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear."

God's love is perfect. He will not falter like our earthly selves. When you live in love to one another you are living in God and God is living in you and your soul. God's love is perfect and it drives out any fear.

I have a BIG fear that I am going to mess up and screw up so badly that God will leave me that He will walk away from me. That I will be called a failure and He will give up on me. Blame me for not loving Him and not wanting to be in Him. It really blows me away to realize that I did nothing to deserve this love. I didn't have to. Neither did you. Neither do you. He loves us because we are His children. Each and every one of us. He loves us so much in fact that He has given us the ability to choose to follow Him. He gives us free will and when we choose to dedicate our life to Him and to spreading His word He rejoices. God loves all of us. Each and every one of us. No matter how much sin we may or may not have. No matter how hurt we feel, He will always be there. No matter how many times we "walk away" He is still right there. He is not far and has not left us. He has kept His commitment to us to love us no matter what. He is perfect. No matter if we feel like we can't be with Him, He knows we are made to love Him.

I don't really know what I am getting at besides the fact that it amazes me that He loves us so much. Without expectation. Without limits. Without borders. Without judgement. God IS perfect. God IS good. God IS love.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Trying to stay and be positive.

I have been trying to change lately. I have been trying to be a positive person.

I had a friend ask me how I was doing. I said I was doing fine. She said, really? I said yes, actually I think I am.

I wanted to try to fight the depression without pills. I still don't know if it will work or not but I only take it day by day. She asked how I was feeling after the miscarriage. Fine I said. Really? Yes, really.

Here's the thing:

If I didn't test early I would not have known. Although the hurt is still there as well as the pain I am ok. I know that it just wasn't God's will. He was telling me "Not yet". I don't think He will say no but it will be in HIS timing not the timing that I think is good.

She asked me how I was doing it. I said, really the only way I can do all of this is leaning on God. That leaning on Jesus and trusting in Him is the only thing I CAN do. But I am ok with that. He has the strength to pull me through. I am learning coping mechanisms, reading about boundaries and filling my mind and heart with Christ's love. What could be better?

Filling my head with His truth. With scripture to work through things. Finally starting to understand how the Sword of the Spirit works. I can't just expect God to take away the depression, to take away hurt, to make pain disappear but I can fill my heart and mind with His word to FIGHT against it all.

Lord fill me up....I am loving learning more about you. I am loving that YOU are in control. Forgive me for trying to be god and being in control of my own life because I am not. Help me to lean on You and be with You with my whole heart. I am trying, I really am.

"I know you are baby. You are doing well, I am pleased"

Really God? You are pleased even though I am still struggling? Even though I don't know what I am doing?

"Yes baby, you are trying. You are reaching to me, feeling Me, and pulling me further into you. That is what I long for. That is what I have always wanted for us. No matter the struggle you feel I am here, I always have been and I always will be."

I am really leaning on you God and honestly YOU are the only thing pulling me through. Not by my own strength but by yours.

"I am God. I am big enough to take this on. I am big enough to hold your tears, your anger, your love, your confusion and your hurt. I want all of you. I need all of you. I am pleased with you."

Thank you Lord. I can do this. I will do this. But only with your help.....

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

In the company of Faith

I had just recently bought this Organic Soy Sauce by Bragg. As I sat there reading the ingredients and whether or not it needed to be refrigerated after opening. Yeah I am anal that way. Anyway.....

Can you imagine my surprise when I look down at the front of the bottle and see a "Jesus" fish. As you can see in the picture it says 3 John 2. Now I have never really "ventured" to that area of the bible yet. I didn't really even know if that was right because I didn't know that there were three extra books of John in the bible. I know, I am so terrible with this stuff but I am forcing myself to be dedicated and learn. So I went to John 3:2 and as I was turning to it I see 3 John.

hmmmm....I thought....It really couldn't be could it? So I turned to 3 John 2. It was there. This is what it said:
"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."

Ok.....HOW COOL IS THAT!! A company stepped out in Faith and put a verse right on their product. I thought it was cool that I even noticed it!

I am trying to eat better and am learning how to do so. Organic is one of those areas, as well as salads. I don't drink any caffeine anymore, that includes pop. Of course I will eat Chocolate. So I am trying to get back to my old habits. My old good habits. I drink a LOT of water and am trying to make better choices for my body. When I make better choices for MY body and what I put into it in essence I am honoring God and what He has created.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1Cor 6:19-20

So all of this to say that I think it is very cool that a company and it's owners have a faith so huge that they step out and put it right on their product. Calling us friends. Friends in Christ.

I guess a lot of this is a ramble but at the same time it is just all coming to me. This is my heart. This is my feelings. This is what I have been learning.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Doing it Alone

Have you ever noticed that when we try to do things alone it just doesn't work? It builds and builds then breaks you down.

Well I find that with me anyway. I am a pretty sensitive person. I do NOT like to cry in front of people, I don't like to be vulnerable. Yet it is ok for OTHERS to do it in front of me and I tell them it is ok. I tell them to let it out. But is it ok for Misty to do? NO WAY!!

So I stuff it down and it builds. Builds and builds. I actually find that the more I try to push it down the more I can't seem to find God. It is like what I am stuffing is blocking it and building and taking over the Good.

Like the week I was losing the baby. I stuffed it down. I tried not to cry. I would "allow" myself when I was alone and in bed. When no one else would hear me or see me. Yet when I allowed myself that time it just didn't come. So near the end of the week I started to get angry. I started to get so flustered and confused I was having a hard time even FINDING God. He was right there but I was stuck in my own emotions that I couldn't even search for Him. My emotions took every other thought captive.

I broke down on Thursday and Sunday of last week. I foolishly cried in front of others. I broke down more in the hospital and I felt ashamed. I felt like I wasn't worthy of letting it out, of letting people see my emotions because MISTY was supposed to be strong, not show that I feel and hurt.

You know what? I DO feel and hurt. I am allowed to feel and hurt. To cry, to get angry, to not even have the words because the tears fall. I am allowed to be vulnerable and open. I feel God brings people into my life that I can be that way around. If that makes sense.

Heard this in my care group last night:
"I do not know of one person who has ever been healed by crying alone on her bed in the dark. Every person I know who finds healing for his or her wounds or strength to battle addictions or sin find it in the light of fellowship and love." pg 38 - When Wallflowers Dance.

I wasn't finding the healing I needed when I was doing it on my own. I broke down in front of people and I felt the heaviness release. I felt my shoulders shake while losing the weight that held me down. I didn't have to be ashamed. Although I felt like an UTTER FOOL during these times it was ok. God MEANT for it to happen. He meant for me to be vulnerable and He gave me the guidance and the feeling that there were certain people that were safe. These people could be the light of fellowship and Love for me. For God. They were doing God's work by allowing me to break. By being supportive and letting me get it out. By caring for me and praying for me. Two dear people let me shed the tears. Let me have the release. Showed me it is ok for MISTY to cry. It is ok for me to be vulnerable and that I was safe.

I can't do it alone. I can't be strong. I am weak, I am human, I feel. God is my strength and He sends the people into my life at just the right moments to help me carry my burdens. To help me feel and remember to reach for God, to help me carry the load to the One that has the strength to do so.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Ps. 68:19

"Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal 6:2

No where in those verses does it say anything about doing it alone. We are not created to do it alone. We NEED to lean on God. We need to reach for scripture, for God, or if we are so lost that we can't find the Light we need to reach for those that have a light shining so bright. Those people God has blessed our lives with so they can lift us when we are too weak to lift ourselves. I feel selfish when I do it. When I ask for prayer. When I break down and cry. But that is how I am created. I am created to reach out, to carry other peoples burdens and to share my own. Doesn't mean I take the burdens on AS my own but it means I can be the ear to listen, the shoulder to cry on or the arms to embrace. That is how God created me, that is how God created US. We are not to do it alone.

I am so thankful for the lights God shines in my life. I am thankful that I don't have to do it alone. I am thankful for Him.

Monday, November 17, 2008

This is kind of rough....

I am not sure what to do either.

I have been dizzy for about a month off and on. Today is another day of it. Woke up dizzy and nauseated. Of course I am not pregnant.

Today I am more frustrated and I am sure it is not making things better. My house is a disaster and I need to try to clean it. Phil has lost his drivers license which I am trying to find.

My carpet needs to be vacuumed and steam cleaned. I feel like I am running out of room.

So I am sitting here writing this out hoping that maybe just maybe I can get a lot of this off my mind.

The dizziness is really pissing me off. My family doctor, who is a great guy, told me that it was because I wasn't drinking enough water. I am now drinking 3/3.5L of water a day. Am I feeling better? NO! Having headaches, dizziness and even light headed. This is rediculous.

So I find myself praying to try to get through this.

Not sure why I am going through this right now but obviously there is a reason. I just am not sure what it is yet. I won't get the answer for this. It is just something I am going to have to live with and learn to tolerate but some days it is crazier then others. Today is one of those days. I can barely see straight because of the dizziness.

On the plus side though I am excited to make dinner tonight. I bought all healthy and organic food for a stir fry. I am hoping it turns out and am very excited. Been eating a lot of salads lately too. So I am trying to eat better and I am also excited about that. Guess I get excited too easily and I also get frustrated too easily. I am very frustrated with this dizziness.

I am also very frustrated that I still have pain in that right ovary area. The pain is about a 3 on the scale of 1-10. Enough to be bothersome and I feel like I will never know what is going on with my body. Maybe there is something wrong with that ovary and it really is my fault for the miscarriages. NO! Must stop thinking that! But WHERE is this pain coming from? I want to cry.

All I can do right now is search scripture and pray.

"I sought the Lord and he answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame."
Ps. 34:4-5

It was the first thing I found today. I am crying out to God. I am not going to let the dizziness and the frustration control me. The enemy does NOT and WILL NOT have control over me. I am praying for answers to the dizziness and patience to deal with the housework one step at a time.

Guess this is more of a vent then anything. There is only so much I can take with the dizziness. PLEASE God, let us find answers....

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A mile a minute....

That has been my brain lately. It has been going even faster then usual. I had a hard time shutting it off last night and got just five hours of sleep. Of course when I was trying to sleep I had this blog all figured out. But now I am here, up for the day and I forget most of it. But still going to get some things out.

I keep wondering WHY I lost two babies. Yet I know that I will never know that answer and I need to let go and let God.

I do take life way too seriously and I need to learn to laugh more. Believe it or not I used to laugh a lot. I never used to be so serious so I found myself praying for that last night.

The biggest thing that I have done over the last month, about two weeks or so, is write letters. The old fashioned way. I sat down and wrote letters to people I was angry at. Yeah, those were long letters. I was advised to write them then rip them up. I was given the advise then I think it took me almost two weeks (maybe a little more then a week) to finally write them. When I was asked if I had written them I had to sheepishly admit that no I hadn't.
I will admit it. I was a skeptic. How the HECK would writing letters and not sending them help me. I thought it was kind of useless. I thought it would do me no good. What was the point? How would writing these letters, ripping them up and throwing them out help me to get rid of anger? Yeah sure....I'll get right on that. I was hugely skeptical and even asked HOW this would help. HOW I should do this. etc etc etc.
But once I was asked if I had written them I figured that it was time. I was asked if they were written during a time that I was having an angry day. Trust me it was not pretty. Panic/anxiety attacks coming from no where. Then of course I had asked my doctor, after telling her about the attacks and such, if it was MY fault I lost the baby. In between tears I asked if my attacks, my stress, was the reason WHY I lost the baby. She kindly looked at me and said it was not your fault. That having that stress, especially so far in the begining of the pregnancy would not do any harm. That in itself lifted a burden from my shoulders.
So anyway.....
I wrote these damn letters. The whole time grumbling and grunting about how this was going to do me no good. Yeah, I got out a page and a half front and back. All my anger was staring me in the face on this piece of paper. Almost like it was mocking me. I re-read the "letter" and then as I was reading it I felt like I had gotten out all I needed to say. I thought I would cry writing it but I didn't. I was more angry. Just sheer anger, frustration and hurt. No tears.
Then I ripped it up and threw it out.
The next step was writing a letter of forgiveness. Yeah sure.....I'll get right on that! LOL! The talking on my end to this person was endless. How can I write these letters of forgiveness when I really don't FEEL it. I don't FEEL like forgiving. I was told that it was not what I FEEL it was an action that I needed to preform. I was appreciative of the help I was getting and trusted this person completely but then I found myself once again thinking yeah; alright....I'll get right on that.
God forgave ME not because I deserve it but because He loves me and He wants me to be free and happy. I hope I got that part right. Lord knows I do not deserve any forgiveness.
So I asked how to do it. It was simple. I was to write...I forgive you for.....
HOLY SMOKES that ended up being a page in of itself. As I was writing it I was letting it all go. I was letting myself not hold onto this anymore. I was not going to let the anger control me anymore. Once the letters were done I re-read them and a weight was lifted. I read it out loud. Lord knows that in my heart I have a hard time believing it but I chose to do the action of forgiving and asking God to help me to let it go even if I didn't feel it.
Are you angry? Are you hurting? Write a letter! DON'T send it though. It is between you and God. It was a bonding moment for me and a freeing moment. From that moment I wasn't as angry anymore.
Until last Wednesday. Oh dear did anger come out and short patience. I am ashamed to admit it. But this time around I REALIZED where it came from. It came from me! I held in any emotion, any tears and any pain in my heart the whole week. I wasn't meant to hold in that pain. It came out on Thursday, and then I felt numb Friday. But it was more light hearted. Feeling safe that I had let out the emotion and I wasn't stupid for having those feelings. For letting them go. I was safe. God's arms were around me, there was a hedge of protection in that room, in that ER. I was ok.

I think too much. I am a sensitive person and am guilty of taking things too seriously. Does God want me walking around taking things seriously? Does He want me to try to sit here and figure out all the answers? Does He want me to beat myself up and think about how I could have prevented things? Does He want me to let my hurt and anger control my life anymore? I could only come up with ONE ANSWER......NO.....

I believe He wants me to be happy. He wants me to laugh, to sing and to dance. He wants me to enjoy life. I am not meant to carry burdens or hurts from the past, the present or the future. I can't control any of it! Only God has the strength to carry those burdens. Thankfully HE has the strength to do so. Thankfully HE IS GOD. Thankfully HE is so patient, kind and loving.

I have a lot to learn. My brain needs to slow down and not go so fast. I need to realize that I don't and won't have all the answers. I am not meant to have the answers. I will more then likely never know the answers until I meet Him in Heaven. Sure I think I will have tons of questions but at the same time I bet that will probably be the only moment that I am truly speechless.

So time to just slow down, take each day as it comes, not let hurts and anger control my life. Time to give myself credit and laugh. To not think I am a loser, that I don't deserve to be happy. Because God thinks I am deserving of so much more. Now that this is out I feel lighter again. I feel like I can sing and dance. I want to dance on a mountain top. Maybe I should go for a hike today.....

I am going to CHOOSE to be happy. I am going to CHOOSE to forgive. I am going to CHOOSE to dance. I am going to CHOOSE to live and love. This will be hard for some cases and some things but I am going to CHOOSE to do the right thing and to not let things pull me under anymore. We'll see how well this goes. We'll see if I can stand up and stick to what I choose. Time to stand my ground, defend myself and not let myself feel walked over. It is going to be hard in so many areas but God is with me. He will guide me and hold me when I fall. I wonder if He has the net out and is ready yet......

Friday, November 14, 2008

This past week.....

has been yet another difficult one for me. Quite the emotional roller coaster.

*Warning for all you male about blood :P *

Last Friday, the 8th I got a positive pregnancy test. YAY! Your thinking right? Wrong....Sunday I started to spot a bit. But was told because of the color and stuff that it was probably implantation. Then Monday my world came crashing down....

Lots of bleeding on Monday. Then came the clots and tissue Monday night until Wednesday evening. I know that may be hard for some to read and people may wonder WHY I am writing about this. WHY am I writing about this? Yes it hurts me but what if somewhere someone else is having the same struggle and God directs them here. You know it can happen. What if my experiences help someone to think that they are NOT alone in this.....

So I had an appointment with my doc on Thursday. She is probably one of the best doctors you would ever meet. She is a Christian and boy is her light ever bright! She is very positive and will make you laugh no matter what the situation.
Anyway, she did an internal and said my uterus didn't FEEL pregnant. (I didn't know that a uterus could feel pregnant. LOL) She checked my ovary, where the pain was. I was having pain for a few days but it was tolerable although on Thursday it had gotten worse. As had the dizziness and light headedness (is that a word). Anyway she touched the area and man I couldn't even cry it hurt so bad. There was like no tears left to cry. She said that although my tubes felt fine and such but she wanted to send me to the ER just in case it could be an ectopic pregnancy.

Let's back track a bit. I have usually been dizzy here and there but the passing out feeling was new. I thought that it would go away but it didn't.
So in I went on Thursday. She called over to the ER asked who the doctors were that were on and asked to speak to one of them. So she talked to one and told him all about me and that she will send me directly to him and if I needed any forms. She was told no forms were needed.
So she sat down and prayed with me. Get there was the verse that I used to hate SO much but now I find is pulling me through. In her own words she had phrases from Jer. 29:11. When she prayed for the ER doc I felt a calm and peace. I was blubbering like a flipping fool but it was ok in her office. She was ok with it. I pushed down all my emotions all week and that is what you get, it all comes out at once.
anyway....long story even longer.....going to skip some stuff....
I got into the ER. Had to do the whole strip thing and the nurse put an IV in my arm. While saying that my veins did look a little deflated. Whatever that means. So the doctor came in. A sweet and caring man and ordered the blood work my doc wanted done. So there I lay in this little room, 4 walls and cold. (Yeah as a friend joked they put me in isolation, I was a danger to the other patients. LOL) The nurse was sweet and got me WARM blankets. It was so nice. I was scared, nervous and alone. Lots of tears, repeating Jer. 29:11 a lot. My dreaded verse has now become my saving verse. I couldn't pray anymore. I had prayed for the docs, for my doc, for the nurses, and for strength. I had no strength left. I was broken. I lay there in tears, holding my cross on my necklace because I had no words. Then I felt Him. I felt Jesus come, lay behind me and put His arms around me and whisper "be still child, be still" then the next thing I knew it was a couple hours later and the doc was back. Not sure if I did end up passing out because of feeling so light headed or if it was the meds or both.
He said my HCG was 5. So that the baby was lost. He was compassionate when he said it. Then he said he was going to keep me over night for an u/s the next morning.

The next afternoon I got my u/s. It was the SAME lady who did my u/s for the last pregnancy in Chilliwack. Can you say, GOD!! She was such a kind lady and was brought into my life then for the kindness and support and then brought back yesterday.
The fallopian tubes were clear, looks like everything was passed on it's own. The doc said that I was more then likely not pregnant but that is what confuses me. I believe 110% that life begins at conception. A positive is a positive. 5 is just under the limit and that was done 6 days AFTER my positive test. More then enough time to be going out of my system from all the bleeding.

but anyway....all in all I am ok. I got an email this morning and it hit the nail right on the head
"you may be going through a tough time right now but God is getting ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine."
that is what I keep thinking. That somewhere, sometime I will meet this perfect child that God wants for me. That He decides each of these last two times that it just wasn't right. That is the only thing keeping me holding on. Last loss I was angry, this loss I am more just leaning on God. Sure I am angry. But I am hurt and trusting.
Like I was told, God doesn't GIVE bad things. Bad comes through the enemy and through the world. I have to stop blaming myself (easier said then done) for the loses and must have Faith. Having that faith is getting easier for me. I love how someone dear to me looks at God. God is their best friend, they hang out with Him, they chat with Him. I am working on that.
So although I am hurting I am hopeful and holding faith.
I blocked a lot of emotions this last week and it came out in the end as a flood of tears and anger. I felt foolish sitting there in front of my doctor crying my face off. But I was made to feel safe.
I am so thankful for the wonderful doctors and nurses that surrounded me and supported me. That was definately God.
Sorry this got so long but if you read this far thank you. It helps to get it out and talk. I am sure there is going to be a lot of talking on my end soon. Sigh....

*The doctors names and nurses names are kept confidential due to the fact that I have not asked permission from them to post their names. Although they were great doctors and nurses, in essence a great team, I will not repeat their names unless I am told by them to do so.*

I really hope that my story helps others. I have been deeply hurt with this and by other things during this time but I have the faith.
God I am weak so I lean on you....

"Lean Child lean, I am strong enough to hold you. I have enough buckets to hold your tears. I am here...."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Yes I have probably posted this before.....

yet today I find myself singing it again.

Actually I woke up in the middle of the night singing it and that is what put me to sleep. Blessed is His name. No matter how hurt I feel, how much I block the tears or what He decides to do with my life. Blessed be His name, because HE is in control of my life and I am not. Although it may feel like a hard time I know I am going through this for a reason. No matter WHAT happens God is still my Father, He won't leave me and I believe. I will have the Faith. I will ask, BEG, Him to hold me and He won't let me down.....

Actions speak louder then words and my actions are going to be having Faith. But my words are going to be this song. I am going to go read some Psalms.

I have worked really hard to block the tears, the hurt, the feeling of rejection and the sadness. Not so sure I am able to block them anymore.....

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I am not sure what to title this one.

I had a friend pass away last May from cancer. I was going through my email contacts and realized I still have this friend in my email. I still have her as a friend in facebook.

I will never again see her in this life and will get to see her in Heaven but yet I cannot bring myself to delete it. I miss her. I am thinking I need to write her a letter but I guess I am afraid of doing it because it seals it. It acknowledges that I really will not ever talk to her again.

Maybe it is because I feel like I was not a great friend and if I had done more or contacted her more often she would know that I love her. I miss her a lot. I have been thinking about her. But she is not on this planet anymore. So why can't I remove her from my contacts? It just seems so final.

I guess I should be a big girl and just do it. Yet here I am hesitating.....

Monday, November 10, 2008

Small still voice

Comes from my son a lot of the time and it is such a wonderful gift and blessing.

I think sometimes that I can't hear God. Yet in actuality I think He is talking to me through my son.

Cooper knows just the right words to say to make me feel better, to calm my heart, to slow me down. The small still voice that I read about and hear about comes out of the mouth of my 2.5 year old.

Then at church we worshiped to "I need to be still". I found myself dropping to my knees. Head in my hands letting the tears fall. Although I am not fully ready to discuss things just yet I felt an easing of my soul. I let the tears fall. I let myself feel. Know what I felt? GOD!!!

I felt an arm around me and I even opened my eyes to look. There was no one there. Was it God?

"yes child, I was there. I am there. Holding you when you cry and drying those eyes"

I feel so weak when I cry. Vulnerable. Foolish. Scared.

"When you are weak I am strong."

Don't leave me God!

"I never have and I never will. I am God, you will never disappoint me, you will always be my love and the one I choose to dance with. I will hold your hands, I will hold you while you cry, sing, dance and laugh. You just have to let me."

I am trying God, I really am.

"I know you are baby. I am proud of you. You can do this. I am here, I send people who can help and I love that you listen to their voices. You are listening to me. From the youngest person you love to the newest friend, the newest trust. You are hearing me. You are stopping to listen and I am proud of you."

Thank you God.......Thank you......

Hold me as I cry, hold me as I smile. Keep me warm.

"I always will"

Things are up and down as they are for most people and I am finding myself being able to cope a little better then I used to be. I find that the anger and the jumping at the littlest things is less. Funny how the more God is there, the more I let myself run to Him and the more I learn about Him, the better I can tolerate things.
It is a learning game. I over think. I over analyze. I hurt easily. Thankfully He is as simple as just BEING GOD.

not sure if any of this makes sense.....just things that came to my mind today.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

What do you see?

I got this in my daily devotional yesterday and it has given me something to think on. I have always wondered, when someone looks at me do they KNOW or can they SEE by my example that I am a Christian? Do I portray God's love in a way He can be proud, in a way that people say "I WANT that" ?

"As you browse holiday catalogs, consider what the “catalog” of your life says about God. Do people see qualities in you that make them long for God?
What does the world see in us
That they can’t live without?
Do they see winsome qualities
And love that reaches out? —Sper

As a Christian, you are “God’s advertisement.” Do people want what they see in you?" ODB

I want to be someone that when people look at me they think, "WOW! I want what she has!" But am I? Well first of all you tell me. Secondly I don't think I am.

Although I want to be, I find I get caught up in my busy life. I forget who I am, let alone stopping to worship God. Stopping to get to know Him better. I get caught up in my own little world that I don't come across as a happy person. The person I used to be. I used to laugh more. I used to giggle and just enjoy things more then I do now. What happened? I am not 100% sure but I do know that it needs to change.

Lord, I DESIRE to have you and your life radiating from me. I want Your light to be visible to the world. I want to stand on top of the mountain and proclaim the love I have for you. Gee I don't want much do I.

"It is ok to want child, but I need you to do your part."

I know God. Help me to be a better person. Help my light shine better in me.

"It is always shining child you just need to see it yourself. I am proud of you and I know you want to get closer to Me. You are taking the steps and that is what I need you to do. Although you may feel far from Me know that I am right here waiting for you. Waiting for you to reach out your hand and take My own."

ok God....I am going to reach. I am going to let my light shine.

I always wonder what people think of me when they meet me. Sometimes I am afraid to hear the answers. I know one person had always thought I hated her. It wasn't until recently that I learned that and I hugged her and cried. I told her that I thought SHE hated me. I am a shy person, believe it or not, and I don't mean to come across harsh. I just am quiet. I guess that is where I don't look like a very good Christian. I don't act like a Christian. Although I know that I am a Christian I NEED to learn to let that show through. To let that be so unmistakable people think, "Dang! I want that!"

sigh....always a learning game.

Monday, November 03, 2008

"When wallflowers Dance" - by Angela Thomas

"When we are first learning to dance, it's always better to have someone to take you by the hand and whisper softly in your ear, 'No worries; just watch me, follow my lead. I am going to teach you exactly what to do.' "
pg 26

The start of week two in this book is above. I think I am learning through this book as well. I really do learn well through reading, understanding and experience. What she said here made me wonder. How many times had God taken my hand, whispered in my ear; no worries. Just watch me. Follow my lead. I am going to teach you exactly what to do.

Wow God. Thank you that YOU know what to do because quite frankly I am at a complete loss.

"I know you are child, that is why I am here. You just have to open your heart to me."

Well God, I am too scared to. I am letting my pride and fear of the unknown take over. The fear of being vulnerable. The fear of being transparent.

"fear not...."

God grant me the wisdom to do this. The support that I may need during these times. Thank you for your love, for your word, for your messengers. Thank you that when I am weak, vulnerable, tired and scared you take my hand and tell me No worries.

Not sure where that all came from. But as I head into areas that are unknown to me I am understanding that He is there. That there is His word to guide me, those with His wisdom to give a gentle push to carry on. I want to know Him more. I really truly do. Thankfully He knows how to do this dance. Thankfully He will take me and my two left feet, into His arms. Into His love and embrace.

Ok I am to learn. Teach me....

ok.....another entry here.....9:30am
I went on to page 28 and was like DANG!!!! That is ME!

"Now, pile up decades of those small struggles for all of us, and the soul grows weary. Dreams fade. We can become numb, and many of us try to stay numb. Trying not to feel because feeling might hurt again."

HOLY SMOKES!! I have just been saying that to someone this morning. Yet I didn't use the word numb, I used the words brave and strong. However, I am really thinking that numb is a better word.
I don't want to cry because I feel foolish. OR is it because I don't want to hurt again. Heck yeah! Who DOES want to hurt again. Who does want those wounds opened further to make you think more. Yet I have been told to let those tears fall. To let myself feel. To not worry about what others may think.
To be honest I wonder what GOD might think as well. Am I a screw up? Is He going to think " she goes again!"

I think numb is a better word. Numb hits the nail right on the head. Do I like to feel numb? I think it is a dual answer. Yes and no. I don't like to because I am not myself. I don't like to feel numb because it doesn't allow me to grow.
I DO like to be numb because I feel safe, I don't feel vulnerable and I won't have to hurt again.

I am starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I need to ALLOW myself to feel that hurt. To feel the pain. To feel the hot tears stream down my face and acknowledge that I am worthy to let these feelings out. I am "allowed" to do it.

Funny, because I is time to move on. Time to let the wall down, to say screw it to the numbness and become who God has made me to be. There is so much I can post about right now but I will save my other thoughts for another day. Thinking takes too much time and is very over rated. Yet I still do it.

time to release the numbness. To move keep going.....To dance.