Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Choices

We have all done them. We will always continue to do them. Some that make us shake our heads at the fact that we ever even chose that specific thing. Some that make us laugh and some that even make us feel like we did the right thing.
I have made a choice that in my heart has been eating at me. I have chosen to step sideways from God. I don't know why and maybe that is something that I will have to examine. I know I did it though. I would rather be online with friends and on a message board I am a part of. Don't get me wrong. I have made some good friendships there and gotten through some things as well. But in the process I have shut out God. I stopped doing the devotional. I even skipped passed the ones I received in my email. I don't read the bible anymore. It has always confused me and then I always ended up with more questions then answers. I learned last night that we are meant to come up with questions. That if we had all the answers about God He really wouldn't seem that amazing to us.
So on my way home last night I made a conscious decision to turn around this boat before I start sinking in further. Yet here I am writing a blog! LOL.
I have decided to step back from my message forum. I have decided to sit down and read the devotions. Even though with each sentence I seemed to get more and more dizzy, I read them. I am not looking for a pat on the back or a good for you. If either of those are received I think that my message isn't getting out as I would like it.
In a way I created a hole. Talking to people who didn't know the real me that way they couldn't hold me accountable. I enjoy the new friends I have made. They have helped me through many new motherhood things, but at the same time I have not allowed my close friends to help me through the same situations because I relied solely on the message forum. That was wrong.
I have realized that I have made choices recently that are mistakes. So driving home I have asked for the help to reconnect with Him. Going to devote more time to God. More time to my son. More time to my friends. More time my husband.
I got sucked in so to speak. I allowed myself to step away. Now it is time to come back and discover why I have chosen to do what I did. Time to accept the truth. Time to come back to who I was and am.
I don't know if this made any sense at all. The main thing is that I had made a choice and it was not right. So now I am making the choice to include Him more in my day. More in my life. Giving Him the control.
I just pray that He helps me along the way to be strong and to stay strong.
Don't know if this post will stay or not. But this is where I am at right now.

1 comment:

kristybox said...

Is your hubby on board with this? I only ask because I find spiritual quests so much easier when Natchdaddy is involved. I find I am stronger that way.

Now, I'm not about to argue that you are doing the wrong thing by cutting back and spending more time on your soul. Not at all. I definitely understand on-line addiction! But I did want to point out some good things you have accomplished on-line.

You've learned to become a better parent. No matter how many friends I have who've been through parenting, it's difficult to find a friend who is going through the exact same thing at the exact same time to learn from. You've found that.

You've found an outlet that spares your friend's feelings. Sometimes, we all have angst with those physically around us. And we need to vent. But they truly didn't do anything wrong, and venting to them directly would be unfair. So we vent to people we don't really know. It's more fair to them. Maybe God put your cyber friends there in part to give you that bit of grace. Someone to talk to when the "real" people in your life aren't appropriate.

Finally, you've opened my eyes, personally, about the fact that I'm not the only person going through spiritual struggles. My religion may be different from yours, but the struggle is very much the same. I seach for a relationship with God, and I look around, and everyone else either seems to have a great one, or none at all. I'm in-between. So are you, I think, although you are definitely further along than I am. But since I read your blog, I pray more, and that's a big start.

Just so you know - too much of anything is bad, but a little can be a lifesaver. Or soul-saver, in your case.

Hugs.