Saturday, February 03, 2007

God is at work! Isn't he???

This is SO hard!!
In my heart deep, deep down I know that God is working in our lives but there is a part of me that believes, wrongly mind you, that if I don't talk about it, write about it and just plain ol' ignore it, it will go away. Now that is inaccurate thought but I still think them.
At the beginning of this week a friend of mine prayed for Phil's job. She asked that doors be closed that meant to be closed and others that are meant to be opened start opening. I thought it was a great prayer. Until the very next day.
Wednesday I came home from failing at putting in Michelle's car seats for her two babies. hehe....two!! I walked in the door and started venting about how frustrated I was to Phil. Know what he said? Here I got something that will make you feel worse. I was like what!!?? I snapped it yes but wouldn't you when you were told that??
He said that as of the 15Th of FEBRUARY, that's right....this MONTH, his job is terminated. I said WHAT?? TERMINATED??? and he explained.
His boss sold the business and APPARENTLY the new owner that takes over on the 16Th wants to keep them. But here's the kicker. They have no idea if the new owner wants to keep them or not. He has not come to the shop. He has not talked to the guys. There has been no assurance AT ALL!! So the three guys that work there are going on a bunch of apparently words. Nothing is set in stone and nothing is for sure. So the 16Th my husband is technically out of a job. The worst thing I can think of at this point. IF the guy doesn't keep them then they will all be on EI. EI only provides 65% of your wages. 65% DOES NOT cover rent. 65% will NOT cover bills. My maternity leave ends in April. Along with my medical and health benefits. Along with me ending my employment with my job. There is no point to go back to a minimum wage job and have someone else raise my son and have almost all my wages go to that. So I will be trying to daycare kids myself.
I know that deep, deep down in my heart that God has a plan. But I can't talk about it. I just put it as another brick in this comfy wall I have been building over the last few weeks. The mask is on again. It will just go away right? I think about it and I panic. My chest goes tight and my arms tingle. So don't talk to me about it. That is the attitude I have.
Phil has the faith.
I talked to a few friends. I didn't get a response I thought I would have. I was kinda taken aback. No concern on their ends. Just an it will be ok. God is moving. Yep, gee thanks....I know that but doesn't mean that I am not scared shitless (sorry to swear but that is the only word I can think of to express the fear strong enough)
I am trying to pray. But I get lost. I start to panic.
God I know that You are moving, I know that You are closing doors that need to be closed. But help me to relax. Help me to hand it all over to You. Help me to not be numb and not feel. I know that good will come out of this. Help me to be strong and see that. I know that You will provide, so help me to stop being so darn stubborn and to be encouraged that YOU are moving in our lives. Help me to lay the trust on You. Amen


sue said...

Didn't want this to be one of those posts where nobody responds so I'm just going to say that I am praying for you guys and am excited to see what God is going to do. Love ya.

Terry and Susan said...

Remember: embrace the ordeal, God is in it, there's a new deal coming