Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Doubt and Insecurities

Funny how those two seem to go hand in hand. When I feel insecure about something I get doubt. Time to run away from the situation. Time to go and bury myself within my mask and that ever increasingly dark hole. Letting Satan win. Letting the doubts control my mind that I actually want to stop what I enjoy doing most. Letting them in and take over my spirit.
I hate Satan. I hate the games he tries to play with us and how he puts us to tests. Works on our insecurities and pushes and twists those buttons until I give in. Until I quit doing things I love to do. Turning my head inside out until the point where I don't know what is up or down. Making me flee from God and the security. The closer we get to God the more Satan fights. The more that he hates that we are moving away from him into our Fathers arms.
Our Father's arms that don't judge us, that love us and will hold us always. God doesn't give the insecurities. He tells us that we have nothing to fear when we trust in Him and when we let Him control what needs to be done. So, I give it over to you Lord.
Even though I give it into the hands of God, Satan is trying so hard to keep the doubt and the fear within me. If I quit what I love to do doesn't it only make him win? Making me believe that if I cry then I am weak and foolish. Making me feel like I am worthless. So I yell at him. I can literally feel the battle ragging within me. Wanting to just throw in the flag of surrender. I know though that there are people fighting with me. That God is there every step of the way. It just gets so damn tiring that I want to lay down and give in. Fine, you want me you've got me - you win.
Then I hear a little voice of encouragement telling me that when I am weak He is strong. So as weak as I am God will lift me and help me back on my way. Can't let Satan win. If I do then where would I be? Lost. Lost without Christ, lost and alone. I will not throw in the towel and I will continue down this field.
I am so friggin tired of the insecurities and the doubt playing with me. Time to drop to my knees and reach out. Reach for God to help take them all away and to help me come to know Him even more.
How so weak I feel when I cry and when I am vulnerable. I know it needs to come out but why? I know I want to run then how could I fix situations if I keep running from all of them? How can I become more complete in God? How can I just let Him win? Let Him take it over.
Will this battle ever end????

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