Friday, October 20, 2006

Yet Again - I feel lost

I don't get it. I believe that I understand prayer. I believe in miracles, I believe in gifts from God and I believe that prayers get answered. So why am I at the point where I don't believe? Where I think that praying is totally hopeless? What is wrong with me?
I know prayer works. I know it deep down in my heart but I find myself lacking faith in the small prayers. Yet I am hesitant to write this cause then God will know what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Wait a minute! Who am I talking about here! He knows me better then I know myself. So is He going to punish me? Is He going to take away every blessing that He has given us? I sure as heck hope not!!
He is guiding us through situations and hardships. I know He is. There is just no other way to explain it. So why do I feel like I lack the faith? Why do I feel like I can't pray. Am I punishing myself? I obviously have more questions then answers. Afraid to ask the questions cause I am afraid of God being like an earthly person. "You don't believe? You don't want to pray? Then Forget it. I am taking it away. Stopping these steps you are taking." Why the heck am I feeling that way?
I can literally feel the battle. As you may be able to read it in my words. To pray or not to pray. That is the question.
I feel so lost. I keep praying for others. I will catch myself praying for the little things and while I am praying I can hear, "why bother asking about that. You just know that it isn't going to happen." I fight it. In my heart I know I do. I feel it. So I keep praying but then find myself asking why.

"because this is where I want you."

What is with this battle? I can't fight this battle anymore.

"When you are weak I Am strong. You can fight this because I give you the strength."

So why don't I believe?

"It's not a matter of you not believing it is a matter of you wanting it in your own timing. But your timing is not My timing. Be patient My child. I am working it all out for your good."

You believe me right? You know that I believe in you right? You know that I don't want to let this faith leave? You know that I love you right?

"I know. I created you. I know your heart better then you know yourself. I know that you will have struggles but that is what I need in order for you to come closer to Me. Do not step away from Me. Keep fighting. I am your leader. I am your strength. I will never leave you. You will never be lost because I am your guide."

I love you.

"and I you My child. I you. I believe in you. You make me pleased."

WHOA....where the heck did that come from? Why do I have tears? God, was that you? Are you talking to me? I love you. I am sorry. Maybe I am not really as lost as I feel I am.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes my prayers when I just couldn't seem to find the words or motivation consisted of few words, usually "Please help me Lord".....


So I Go said...

beautiful post.. I have a hunch that was God :-)