Since I was little

I always loved nature. The sounds. The sights. The beauty. The birds singing, the lakes trickling and the sun hitting the clouds just right. I have also been teased. Told I wasn't good enough. That I never would be. Some of those thoughts have stayed with me. I still love nature and would rather be outside anytime then in the most expensive building. I still tend to believe the lies that were thrown my way about me.
I have learned something. That since I was little God was there.
I didn't believe growing up. It wasn't something we discussed in our home. It was shrugged away. I adapted the same belief that people were crazy when they talked about this God person. How could One make all this? Now I know the truth. I know how God created the Earth. How He created me and everyone else for that matter. I learned that from the beginning I was being Romanced. Although I didn't believe in Him He believed in me. He loved me. Unfortunately Satan knew of my existence as well. He knew what to use to hurt me. To give me pain.
Those moments that I enjoyed in His great outdoors were times when God was romancing me. Calling me to His arms. To be held close to His heart because He loved me. He wanted me. He chose me. I didn't choose Him until later in life. But like a romantic He kept pursuing me.
So did Satan. He threw the arrows into my heart. Into my soul. With me believing all the time that it was me. It was all my fault. That I would never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worth it for someone. The arrows that shot into my being hurt me so deep. I would break off the ends and then just keep going. With the head of it buried in my side. In my heart but I didn't fight it. Why bother? I would just lose. They were right. How wrong was I!
The thing that blows me away is that even though I didn't have an interest or a desire in God or knowing Him, He wanted me to come to Him. That even though I was not aware there was a battle for my heart going on. A secret battle that was being won with the arrows. The lies and the deceit. That since I was a child I was worth it to Him. That He would continue to fight for me. He would continue to romance me and never would give up on me.
The arrows that I had just broke off would soon start to fester and become infected. Thankfully I found the One who was searching for me before it was too late for my heart.
From day one He was in my life. He was showing me how much He loved me and I didn't even know. I didn't know that these beautiful things were created by my Father in Heaven for me.
I now have looked at things differently the last year. I remember a young child that I was watching look up to me and say, look at those beautiful trees. God made those. Wow. From the mouth of babes. Such innocent purity that knew why those trees were there. Why they reached for us. I looked down at that little boy and a smile came across my face and I thanked God for him. For the eyes of a child that helped to open my eyes a little more that day.
I had spent many days by the river. It became my new spot to sit and be with God. I would have a bad day and I would go running to the river. The arrow protruding from my side and dripping with hurt, pain and oozing with hate. I would sit on my blanket and listen to worship. Enjoy the nature. Look out across the water. He would nurse that wound and heal me.
I remember one day the emotion of it all took over. I found myself thanking God. That He made this for me. That He loved me enough to show me that love. That desire to want to have me close to Him.
So I guess what I am saying is that since I was little I have been in a battle for my heart. It still continues, and will continue, to this day. Now though I know which way to run. I know the surgeon that will pull these arrows from within me and slowly start the healing process with a gentle hand. I am worth it. I have been since I was little. Since the day that He created me. He knew when I would come to Him. He knew that I would love Him so much that it hurt. He knew. Makes me kinda giddy and blows me away. So amazing.

Jesus take the Wheel

(First of all let me start off saying I am not sure if someone had already written about this in their blog or has talked about it but this is really something that I just can't stop thinking of this morning.)


Jesus Take The Wheel. Four simple words. Four words that can change your life and where you are headed.
Heard a song this morning that has totally sent my wheels spinning. The title of that song is those four simple words. How many times have I said those words? Yet I say them but still cling to the wheel white knuckled refusing to let go. Crying out to Him but not seeing Him take the wheel. I realized that in order for Him to take it over for me then I have to let go. I have to drop the need to control the situation. I have to trust Him completely and fully - 100%. After all He is the one that can get me out of any situation. As I peel my fingers away from the wheel that I claim to have so much control over I feel His gentle hands guiding and taking over.

A lot lately I have been uttering words along those lines. I can't do this on my own, help me.
I am tired of it, You take it.
You take this from my hands and guide me back to the safety of Your arms.

Yet all the while still fighting. This time I let go. I can tell you that it is such a freeing, relaxing feeling knowing that I have trusted Him in this area of my life and that He will guide me to where I can stop. Not trying to worry about it I would shrug my shoulders and tell myself, God will do His will. I can't do anything to change it so why bother fighting it?

Has anyone out there been like me? Let go of that wheel of life only to try and grab it again. By the time I throw my hands back on it I see that His are already there. Pulling away my white knuckled fingers and just trusting Him and having the Faith I need to have in Him. I think that I am slowly learning to sit back and let Him take control. My control is only an earthly one that I think I have the power to manage. Where as His is such a higher spiritual control that not even myself can hope to achieve.
I am letting go of this wheel. I am asking You, Jesus, to take control. Take this wheel from my grasp and gently guide me. Bring me to the safety that you already see. That is it. I am done. I throw my hands in the air and ask you Lord, PLEASE, "Take the wheel."

This all came from the song I heard this morning. Yes it is country but bear with me. The message is unbelievable. I just can't shake it this morning. How much I needed to be reminded of this. How much I needed to be reminded of who was really in control. How much I have needed to just let go and quit being so darn stubborn. My wheels are going faster then I can handle. Time to slow down.


Jesus take the wheel
-Carrie Underwood


She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Goin' home to see her Mama & her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

[Chorus:]
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So for now on tonight

[Chorus:]
Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus, take the wheel___
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

Isaiah 40:29

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

At a loss for words

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those of you that know me well enough know that this is a rare time for me. To feel lost to words. Enjoy it. It rarely happens. I am sure my poor husband enjoys it. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe it is the over processing of things on my mind but either way I am at a loss.
Actually I am not sure if it is just a loss for words. I almost feel too that I am lost and not listening when I need to be listening. Make any sense?
Last night during my wakeful period I took the opportunity to talk to God. Asked Him if there was a reason why I was awake specifically. Do You need me to pray Lord? Was a common question. Not sure I heard the answer. Then I even asked what I was doing wrong and why I couldn't get sleep. Right now as I am sitting here typing this I think I got my answer. I didn't do anything wrong persay. My back is keeping me up. So are my thoughts. Then the thoughts go into overdrive so to speak. Then you get frustrated cause you can't fall back asleep or asleep at all. Then that just makes matters worse.
In my heart I know and feel that I long to have more of God in me. Showing through me. To be confident in Him and to have the faith and trust in Him. Cause in actuality that is the safest place I can be. But for some unknown reason to me I fight it. Sometimes I am not even aware that I am doing so. I am pretty sure He knows that point that I fight with. He knows that I love Him and a part of me almost just needs to be broken and just to trust. I have been, and in my eyes am being, broken. With no other choice but to trust Him. To have that faith in Him. Why don't I feel it? Why is this a moment when I feel like I can't hear Him right now. I know He didn't go away. I know that He is still there and it hurts me to know that I am the one that is choosing the decision to not hear Him when I should seek Him in all I do. Maybe I need a hearing aid. Maybe a spiritual increase in volume. How the heck can I achieve that?
I know that not everyday will be spent on the tops of the mountain and a lot of days may just be spent in the valley. I am where He wants me to be. Just not where I thought I would be.
So, I guess I found something to write about. Maybe I am not as lost as I think I am. Scattered, yes, but I blame it on the lack of sleep and the pain when I breathe. I am just a big baby. Sometimes it would be nice just to shut my own thoughts and my brain off. To not need to think. To not have the words. I just find that such a lonely place to be.
Ok. Leaving now as I am sure I made no sense and I bored most of you. Hehehe. Time to not think.

The Battle

Closing my eyes I am lost
in a world of battle.
All around me the arrows
fly past my head and start
to bounce off the ground
in front of me, to
my left, my right and behind me.
I cower, afraid of what
move to make next.
Then I feel a hand in my
own and look to see
a shield being placed upon
my shaky arm.
Then my eyes drift upward as I feel
a helmet placed every so gently on my head
while arms around my waist place the breastplate
around my chest and fashioned with the belt.
Then placing a sword in my hand.
I look beside me and I
am no longer alone.
I have strength, love, wisdom
and compassion helping me
to take a stand that I need to.
The arrows continue to fly
but I am protected now
and forever with the help
of this unfailing armor.
Battle makes me weak but I
can now see that I am not alone.

Insomnia

Not too sure if that is the right word and whether or not it is too strong of while but right now when sleep wants to elude me that is what pops into my head.
Husband sound asleep on one side of me. Cat sound asleep on the other. Then there is me. Wide awake, mind on overload, trying not to toss and turn too much so that I don't wake them.
Sometimes part of me thinks it is "Mother Natures" way of preparing me for when the baby comes. Here, get used to no sleep now because it will be a rude awakening when he is here. When the pain and my mind are quiet enough to allow me to go to sleep it is welcomed. I know that there are people out there who get less sleep then me and I really don't know how they do it. Then of course it is like you keep playing catch up to try and recover those lost hours of sleep. Lying there with my eyes close I try not to think. That is when the thoughts flood in. The worries. The pain. Too afraid to keep moving about because I don't want to wake my husband. Laying there trying to get to sleep and then realizing that it just isn't working I get frustrated and want to fidget even more. Then when you get frustrated you start to think too much. You think too much you start to try to process things. Nothing should be processed at 2 in the morning! So I move to the recliner or the couch in hopes that there would be comfort there. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes not so much.
Ah...It's all good. Just got tired of laying in bed so thought I would write it all out. Time for some sleep. Time to know when to shut my brain up. It's just the beginning...

So Exciting!

This is me at 27 weeks. Well, a day from. Please excuse the photo quality as my digital camera doesn't like indoor pictures. Now, here is the exciting thing:
A little earlier today I was cleaning in the kitchen when I felt a Braxton Hicks contraction. It was strong enough that I stopped and went "ooohhh..." The belly was as hard as a rock. Didn't last too long though. Got me all excited. I haven't felt this happy or excited in quite a while. I am still grinning. Won't be much longer!

"Your Name is safe"

This was the title of this mornings Our Daily Bread. For some reason this particular daily bread has struck me. Yeah, I get that a lot.

"There's an old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." It isn't true. Words can hurt us most of all. "

This is how the daily bread starts. If you were like me you probably said that little saying over and over in your head. In your heart and once in a while out loud to the "perpetrator". I had grown up saying that over and over. That no matter what their opinion of me didn't matter. While the insults flew, sometimes along with ice balls, and the snickers were heard. It is not until my later years as an adult where I have realized that it wasn't true. All those name calls, those insults, those laughs behind my back hurt. I cried when they were said only to be laughed at and teased more. I believed them. Idiot. I believed it. Stupid. Yep there is another one. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess I am just writing this all out to acknowledge it myself.
To this day I will call myself names. Drives my husband nuts. I can't help it. It is a habit I had formed to protect myself. If I say it first then they don't have the chance to hurt me when they say it. Now that is a habit that sometimes I find way too hard to break. You know what, it hurts even when I say it. No matter your age, no matter what is said it always hurts when those words break our bones. They do.
I know, don't listen to them. They don't know you. What do you do though when that person is yourself. What do you do when you hear someone at work run you down and even though you try to be brave and let it roll it hurts you in your heart. We are all grown ups here. Yet a lot of us act like we are two. "I'm going to laugh at you right in front of your face just to watch you squirm. That is the fun part." Somehow those people always know the exact buttons to push.
I know what buttons to push in myself. Maybe if I keep pushing them then one day they would just wear out? Doesn't seem to be the case. It just hurts those that love me. It hurts them to see and hear me run myself down. How do you get rid of those old tapes? The ones that play over and over telling you that you are no good. That you are worthless even though the people that love you the dearest would never say those things to you.
I guess I am just ranting and rambling on here. However, the daily bread really made me think. My favorite part was the end.

"As a little child once put it, "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. Your name is safe in their mouth."
You and your name are safe with God. - David Roper "

I just think that is the most awesome thing ever. That my name comes out of the lips of people who love me differently. Dripping with compassion, caring and love. That my name is safe. How much cooler is it even that in God my name is safe. That I am safe. You are safe. It is the love that we need to listen to, not the cold heartless whispers and sneers from those that think they are better then you and feel that they have the right to make fun when they don't. I know the truth deep down in my heart but it is so hard to get rid of that tape that plays over and over. I guess it is time to write over that tape with the words of love that are shared with me. With God's help I will be able to. God gives me these wonderful people in my life and I thank Him for them every day. The ones who in the end would do anything for you. That love you no matter how little you make, if anything at all. No matter what you look like in the morning, or how big you get during the pregnancy!! Ones that love you for who God had created you to be. Ones that love you for you. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am glad that there are some my name is safe with.

Today's Prayer

It is really amazing to me how real, how reliable and how awesome God is. Stressing and struggling a bit this morning. Trying so, so very hard to trust and to have faith in God. There is no point in my worrying, it will get me nowhere fast. Got this prayer out of my devotional today. Couldn't help but read it over and then say it out loud. He really does know my heart and as always, has the perfect timing. I am really honestly working on the who faith and trust thing and I am so glad that He is still there while I struggle to pull me through.
Thank you Lord.

"...Stop telling God how big your storm is, instead, start telling your storm how big your God is!
God, I know I'm guilty of thinking about a problem and feeling stress over it...when I should just "give it to you" and not let it bother me. You are my awesome and Almighty God who can calm the storm. I can only do so much, but You can do anything. Lord, please give me victory over the worries of living. I pray that from now on, I'll do the things I can and should do, then leave the rest up to You without stuffing worry in the back of my mind and letting it simmer and cause stress. Thank You for this wonderful reminder today. I love You. You know what I'm facing. You know my heart's desires, my needs, my concerns. I ask You to take it all into Your all-powerful hands, and work it all out to my good, my family's good, and to Your glory. In Jesus' precious name, the One who gave it all to save my soul, I pray. Amen."

Amen.

Venting

I guess like so many others and like some previous posts I am using this as a venue to just speak.
I am frustrated. Feeling like I am failing. I know I am loved. I know this will all pass but yet I want to run and hide and just never come out.
I hurt my back at work and I know, I know, I am just a big baby but since going back it hurts more and more with every 4 hour light duty shift. I push through but when is it too much? Physiotherapist doesn't want me to even work anymore. Oh great, here we go again. Becoming a burden on our family. Phil works so hard and this, in my eyes, would just cause too much stress for him. Oh what to do.
I guess just not worry about it too much. Have faith that what will happen needs to happen. It is just so hard.
Time to go and talk to God.

Our crazy Cat Shelby.

This is Shelby. We think that she might think she is a dog. She will walk into the room, sometimes meow, and flop down onto her side on the floor. Then you reach down to pet her and she rolls onto her back for a belly rub. She stretches right out, like this other picture, and allows it. Then there are other times where you jsut look at her wrong and she runs. I think our cat has some issues. Then again, which cat doesn't??

Feeling Lost

This morning I was reading Jeff's blog. In it he talks about becoming lost in a grocery store and being separated from his mom. Almost like being too proud to ask for help because he was four and was a big boy. The time came when he asked for help and someone was gracious enough to take him under their wing and help him to find his mom again. Then he reflects about running through his mind trying to find Him.

"I'm a big boy now and I'm not supposed to be lost, definitely not crying, but where are You? You were just here, and now I've let go of Your hand."

How scary is that feeling? You know the one, where you look around and realize that you are all alone. That the person was just there, God was just there, and it seems like all of a sudden in the midst of letting go of His hand we seem to have lost Him.
I lose Him. All the time. At least I think I do. I get caught up in the moment and lost into my own little world that it almost feels like I can't stop and just focus on Him and see Him standing there right beside me. Through the tears and the blurred vision I have lost my way. I am alone. I run from Him. Then I collapse and hide because all I want to do is be back in those arms that are safe. To be back holding the hand of The One who will get me through every situation.
With puffy tear streaked cheeks, a runny nose and a nasty headache I frantically search to find where I am. Only to find that once again I have lost my way. Once again I have lost the focus. However, He hasn't. he knows right where I am. Where are You Lord? I hear myself cry. Nothing. No answer. So I cry harder. Then all of a sudden I stop. Just cease the emotion within me and listen. Hear it? There it is... He's whispering, I am right here. Take my hand.
So, rubbing the tears from my face I reach back for Him yet I almost feel like the energy within me is gone. Then I feel it. A hand in my own. It isn't His hand yet, I have gone too far. I can still see Him in the distance holding it out to me. Then I turn to look and He has sent an Angel to guide me back to Him. An angel in disguise. Someone to hold my hand and lift me up when I need to find the strength back because I have now admitted that I can't do it on my own. The angel is surrounded by others that help me to move back towards my Daddy. To support me and guide me into the direction my heart longs to go.
Slowly we start to move. Together as one. We move to the Father. Who still stands there with His arms stretched out wide encouraging me to come. Then the pace picks up and the next thing I know we are running. I run right into His arms head on. He picks me up and holds me close while drying my tears. The fear runs through me. How many more times will You still hold Your arms out to me? Forever, He whispers. How many times will You bring me back to you? Forever, He whispers. Looking into His eyes I see that He had tears too. How many times will You cry for me when I am lost and searching? How many times will you care? Again, He looks me in the eyes and says, forever. There is no time restriction on the love I have for you.
You know, I ran from Him. I got distracted. I stopped and listened and I heard Him. Right there beside me. Although I was feeling lost He knew where I was all along. He stood with arms wide open, never getting tired, waiting for me to run back into them. It feels so much better when I can just stop and be in His arms. Just be with Him. Know that He has me figured out and that He is there to support me. He has me by the hand. He knows when I may fall, but still stoops to pick me up. He knows I may get angry yet He doesn't get mad, He just waits for me to calm down with my tantrum. I really couldn't ask for a better Father.

Thank you to each person that has been my angel in that dark and lonely place. Those that have been that light and taken my hand to lead me back to His. I hope you all know who you are. For being there when I was feeling lost.

Thank you Jeff for reminding me of that this morning. For reminding me that although I am lost someone is there to lead me home. A message I needed to hear. That He is still there even when I think He is not.

Thank you God for your Love. For your angels that you send into my life every day to keep my arms lifted in praise to You. To keep me from straying too far. Thank you for those special people in my life that love me and support me. The special ones that bring me into focus on You. I just can't thank you enough. I love you more then anything and thank you Jesus for dying for me. For keeping your arms wide open for my love. For not losing me when my gut wrenches in fear that I have lost you.

"Count your many blessings...

...Name them one by one. And it will surprise you what the Lord has done."

Been thinking about this a little the past while. Actually a lot. Today needing to be one of those moments when it just needs to be written out. When I stop to think about all the blessings God has given me I am in awe. Sometimes I can't even think about them with fear that I would miss a couple. I am sure that I will.
I am so thankful and grateful for all that God has blessed us with. Even more thankful that I have seen it and can acknowledge it. I would like to share some of it with everyone.

My Blessings and things I am grateful for.

God - His wonderful grace and mercy. His love that He pours out to me and His support through all the times I fall on Him. His ever presence.

Phil - A blessing from God that has helped to make my life full. A man that always does his best for us. Works hard and is supportive in all I do. Loves me always.

Our Baby - What better gift could I ask for? Just that God has decided to bless us with a child is an amazement in itself.

Family - Helps through the tough spots. Loves with open arms.

Friends - Supportive. Those that lend ears when we need it and hold up our hands when we feel that we can't go on. They understand what we go through. Love us no matter what.

A Home - a roof over our heads that keeps us dry. A place filled with love and hope for the future.

Food - being able to put food on the table. Never going hungry.

Walks - taking a walk with those I love. Just enjoying one another's company and the beauty of God's work.

Church - a place where I can grow In God and worship Him with arms wide open. The community that I love to be around. My favorite days are Sunday's (Tuesdays also with bible study).

I do realize that there are things that I haven't written out. Some things that may have slipped my mind at this particular moment. It started out as a list. Started with numbers but quickly changed to deleting those numbers. Yes in my heart there may be an order but at the same time I just don't think there is enough ways to convey it all with just a simple number.
I am so grateful. The blessings that God has given us. The way that He provides. The love He has for me, one of His children, that will never fade. Today is definitely a day of reflection for me. Or maybe it is just a matter of the fact that I have made the time to sit and write it out.

Lord, you have blessed us in these times and I am so grateful. More then any of my words can express. The hard times will pass and I know that it will be because of you that I can get through them. I thank you for that Father. Thank you for all Your blessings. You continue to surprise me and blow me away. Still makes me feel giddy inside. I love You and thank You. You are amazing.

I Surrender - Ruban Studdard

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence daily live.

I surrender all, to you Jesus I surrender all, all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All I have I give to You (I'll give it to You)
I surrender all to You (everything I have)
I'll do what you want me to (what you want me do)
I'll give You everything
I surrender all to Jesus I surrender all
I give my self to thee
Fill me with a love and power that your blessing follow me
I surrender all
To you Jesus I (I surrender all)
All to thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All I have I give to You
I surrender all to You
I'll do what you want me to
I'll give You everything
I surrender all to Jesus

All I have I give to You (all to you Lord)
I surrender all to You (I surrender all I have to you)
I'll do what you want me to (whatever you want from me)
I'll give You everything
I surrender all to You
I surrender all to You
I'll do whatever you want me to
Nothing else I'd rather do
With my life, Lord I'll serve you every day
Even when things don't go my way
Lord you can trust me to never straight, oh
***************


Tough words to say. Tougher yet to do. The five hardest words that I would have difficulties with doing with my whole heart are in this song. They are "I surrender all to You". Those are some of the hardest words I find myself choking out. Yet I found myself on my knees crying them out to Him. Reaching to Him and saying it with my whole heart. I surrender all to You, all to You.
Sure, I can hang on but why? I need to keep the hope that things will work out and if I can just honestly start surrendering them all to God then I should be ok. Right? There is no one more powerful or more capable then our Father. No one who can help us through these tough times more when we just allow Him in and we surrender to His will. Surrender to Him.
This was a hard song for me to sing today. It meant so much. It hit me so hard. My knees hit the floor and every word resonated in my head and my heart. This past year has been one full of ups and downs. I am done with it. I give it over to Him. Sure it will not fully end right away. It may take weeks. Maybe months. The one thing that I seemed to grasp onto though today as I sang these words to Him from my heart is that if I can just surrender and hand them over to Christ then He will carry the burden with me. I was not meant to carry it alone. When my arms are tired I cry out to Him and He helps me to continue to hold them high in praise to Him. When I can just sit back and surrender it all to Him then I allow myself to allow Him to work in me and through me in ways that I never thought possible.
So, today I come before you Lord and tell you that I surrender. I ask for the forgiveness of hanging on, cause I know that is what humans do. But in those times I ask that you remind me that I have surrendered to You and that You have it in your control. I am Yours Lord. I give myself to you. I surrender.

Surfing the blogs

This morning I was doing my usual blog surfing when Erin's blog struck me. In a good way though.
Each section of her post got me to thinking and pondering. There really are some good stories mixed in. The one part that I am here to write about is the last section of her blog.

"My pastor laid out a very interesting plan for the men's group at church for the coming year.
1. Where would you like to be at the end of next year?
2. What do you need to learn to get there?
3. Together, let's go there."

Like most people would do, she has started to think about it and started with question number one. Now I know this question will probably be one that I ponder off and on for a long time.
Usually my first response would be, to own my own home. This time it was different. If it sounds silly to you then so be it but to me it sounds like a good plan.
I have decided that at the end of 2006 I would like to see myself at home with my son. Providing the love and experiences that he would need to grow. To help him learn about God. Yes, I do realize that he will still be less then a year old but still, learning starts off early. I would also like to see myself grow in Christ. To display the light to the world. To be an example of His patience, His love and His grace. To be more whole in Him.
Sure, purchasing my own home would be awesome but at the same time I know that will come when God is ready for me to have that. I may not have a house but I have a home. That is what matters the most. A home filled with love. Sure it has it's stressful times but what home doesn't? I would take a warm home over an empty house any day. One day I will own a house and make it into a loving, inviting home with God at its center, but right now just isn't the time. So it weighs on me but then at a time like this my husband comes into the room and kisses me on top of the head and walks away. Now that is what makes a home. God's love. Husbands love. Love.
Ok, so I trailed off the topic. My point is that in a year I want to be where God wants me to be. Albeit I don't know where that is but I will find it. He will show me. The main one I see is being a mom. Nothing can be better then that in my eyes.
So, as we start into this New Year I guess my resolution would be to stay open to what God desires of me. To be the woman He loves. To be the best I can.

Our Daily Bread

"God has a purpose in our heartache,
The Savior always knows what's best;
We learn so many precious lessons
In each sorrow, trial, and test." —Jarvis



(and dang it - heartache always hurts!)

Blessings from God

You know, this past year has had many ups and downs. Feeling the wilderness and experiencing it with a sad heart. I had come to the realization that God will pull me out of it. Have been asking for my eyes to be opened to Him and my heart more accepting to what He has planned for my life. Even though it is not what I may be hoping for that I need to trust in Him.
Yesterday I was thinking about all our blessings. Especially in the past few days. The love of family and friends. A roof over our head. A happy marriage. A baby on the way. In all reality it is really feeling like an awesome amount of blessings.
I found that this is when Satan will choose to attack. Last night I was sitting at my mom's house. Just reflecting over the last couple of days. How much God has blessed us with. The things that we didn't even think would happen. How happy I felt just sitting there and thinking about His wonders. About His Son. Then it happened. The ever famous attack that has been occurring since the beginning of time. Satan vs God.
My thoughts were solely focused on God. I was happy. Then it was crazy. All of a sudden I caught a few words out of the conversations that were happening around me. I got pulled into and sucked down by the distractions. The distraction of not being good enough. Not having the things that would make my life seem so much more full. Feeling jealous and down cause I didn't have those things. Satan threw those distractions my way. He won for a while. I let myself get sucked into the lies. That I wasn't good enough and that I should be doing this and doing that.
Upon reflection of it this morning I can almost see that battle that occurred on the night of our Savior's birth. The battle in the stars. The stars being thrown to Earth. The battle that still ensues today.
I didn't let myself focus on it long. I fought. I won. I had God. On the way home I was discussing it with my husband. The one thing that keeps playing over and over in my head and on my heart is the fact that I could be making more money. If only I had a better career. Then a feeling washed over me that was so strong I couldn't help but cry. Thinking about it now almost brings me to tears. (it could very well be the extra hormones). We were talking it out. We were praising God. Thanking God. Telling Satan to leave us alone. Then with tears in my eyes I turned to my husband and apologized. Apologized that I am not providing more for us. I said, sorry if this sounds selfish but really all I want to do is be a mom. I don't want someone else raising my child. I can think of no other job that could fulfill my heart and soul as much as being a mom would. The pull towards it is so strong that I can't ignore it. I don't care if I don't make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I just want to be at home with my children. Shaping them and being there always for them. I could see no better job then that.
Phil just looked at me and said and that is what I believe too. He told me that he will do whatever he can possibly do to keep me at home. I felt like it would burden him. He said that being a mom is a great job.
You know, I have an amazing husband. Supports me in my decisions. Trusts God. Loves God. Loves me and this little baby.
In the midst of feeling selfish for wanting more I praised God more then ever with my whole heart. Learning to have that faith and trust in Him and knowing that He will only do what He feels is right for me. Sure I might not have all the bells and whistles that some have but I have His love. That is the greatest thing I can ever ask for.
I have come to open my eyes to all the blessings and it is like the song says, "Count your many blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done." Yeah it it sure did surprise me and there is no one else in this world that could have given me all these blessings then God. Blessings through my family. Through my friends. Blessings in disguise. I am so blessed. Thank you so much Father. That is all I can say. Thank you. I will never forget these blessings. This is where I needed to be right now. That is ok. I am blessed. I am loved.

Reflecting on Christmas

Growing up I was always aware of the Christmas story. Actually I knew that a baby was born on that day. It wasn't really until my adult years that I have learned the full extent of the story. I plan on changing that for my child, but that is besides the point.
This year I have stopped to think about it many times. That God sent His only Son to earth just so that He will end up dying for us. That He would not lead a full life but would instead die for the sins of those that were yet to be born. He would die for those exact people who persecuted Him. Who threw stones at Him and spat on Him. Wow. Now that is the most amazing gift I can ever think of receiving. Receiving the gift of Jesus.
This year with my son on the way I tend to try to imagine how Mary felt. That she was given this awesome responsibility to have a child that came straight from the Heavens. With the purpose of Him becoming our Savior. What went through her head when she sat there holding the new baby in her arms? Knowing that He was sent here for all man kind. Did she know? I almost feel like I wouldn't be worthy. But she was chosen. Out of everyone God chose her. Joseph stuck beside her. Man the ridicule from others. The snares and the rumors that flew! I bet there were more then a few of those. What a blessing it would be to sit there and know that you are holding the Son of God. The Chosen One. What a heartache at the same time.
As I picture them being turned away at the inn and settling for the manger my heart breaks. God knew that would happen. Why did He chose for it to happen that way? The battle that ensued in Heaven. The same kind of battle that still exists to this day. Imagine being one of those that saw the baby Jesus for the first time. Saw this baby face to face and knew that he would be King. What an act of Faith this day would hold for many. The whole journey in fact. Right from the start.
I don't know if I am trailing off as my mind seems to get so flustered and crowded when I start to think of the wonderful and beautiful blessing of Jesus being given to us. Being given to me. To you. Sinners. Imperfect people. Beggars. Tax collectors. Prostitutes. All one in the same. All saved by that precious little baby. What a job to have. A perfect man that did not sin hung from a tree. Cried out to His Father and knew in His heart that what He was going through was necessary for the future of all man kind.
Wow. What a gift. All of this amazing man wrapped up in swaddling clothes lying in a feed trough born on Christmas day. Not knowing His future. Not knowing His fate.
Our lives saved by this tiny baby in a manger.
I pray that as I go about this Christmas season I don't lose that image. The image of the baby sent for us. That blessed night.
On this eve of Christmas I would like to say Merry Christmas to all. I also pray that more then ever this season would be one where His presence is ever so dominant. Ever so obvious. I know He is in mine. Although I may still struggle to understand things there is one thing I know for sure. I am not worthy. I am a sinner saved by Grace and I am not worthy. To God I am. Jesus gave His life for mine. I am not worthy. To God I am.

Thank you Lord that I am worthy to be saved by your Son. Our Savior. Thank you for that precious gift so many years ago. The gift that I have accepted into my heart and soul. The gift that you found me worthy for. Thank you Lord.

What a message to hear...

... about LOVE. check it out.

The baby ate my brain!!

Or you can just call me blonde.
I layed out all Phil's stuff for him by his lunch this morning. His phone, his keys and his wallet so he will take it all at once. However, me and my usual forgetfulness asked him as he was going out the door if he had his phone. He didn't hear me, or so I thought.
The house phone rings and I see it is his cell number. I pick up and ask why he is calling the house phone rather then my phone. He says to me, can you bring me down my phone I left it on the counter. (I bet you have caught on but I sure as heck didn't). I said, I thought I put it by your lunch. It isn't here. Then in my moment of stupidity I said HEY!! That's not fair! You are calling me from your phone! He just started laughing his head off. I was laughing too.
I said that wasn't very nice and he said yeah but the funny thing is you fell for it.
Man!! I can be so brain dead. Oh boy. I think our son might be in trouble!

Heard Something Interesting

Phil heard a good quite, well I htought it was good, on the TV show house last night. It goes like this:

"You can't hate God without believing in Him."

I found that interesting. Yes there are some that hate Him but in essence they are believing in Him and probably aren't even aware. You need to believe in something if it is going to be hated. Hmmm....

More about our baby boy

This little man sure is moving lots lately. Daddy has been feeling him move and it is so cool to see. It is like LB plays a little game with us. I can tell Daddy that baby is moving and he comes over to feel him. As soon as the hand goes on the belly he stops. Daddy gets tired so he goes away and, yep you guessed it, there he goes again. It is cute.
I almost feel like he has a very layed back personality.
This Christmas I have been thinking more and more about Jesus. Just being pregnant with a son gets me to thinking all the time but is so hard to put into words. Maybe one day I will be able to blog it. Just such a feeling of awe.
I totally can't wait to hold this baby in my arms. Even though things are tough, and they will get harder but more manageable, I still can't wait. I can't wait to see his little face. Hold him in my arms. Just looking into the face of another baby makes me filled with joy. Anticipation. Awe. I just can't wait until he is here and he is in our arms. Our LB. Sigh...

Those Desert Places

We all have them. We have all been through them. Right now you might be like me and feel smack dab right in the center of them.
Looking around me I see nothing. No shade, maybe that is a little tree off in the distance. The ground is parched and dry. Cracked all around me like it is ready to open up and swallow me whole. Maybe that is a creek I am hearing. A vast sky all around with the light beating down. Could that be a cloud? I sense the little moments of hope. I know they are there but sometimes it is just so hard not to get wrapped up in the dry land. The wasted land. The hopeless feeling that comes with the lost.
I stand in the center looking around trying to find my way out. I get frustrated and in my eyes I see no way out in this near future. So I stand crying. The tears fall from my face and get sucked immediately into the ground. Pulled into the land that is thirsting for so much more. I thirst for so much more. I know that only Jesus can fill me fully. So I continue to look. Then I see Him. Like a tear streaked, snotty nosed, puffy faced child I reach up for Him. Daddy pick me up. Hold me. He does.
I look into His face and I sob for Him to just carry me right out of there at that exact moment. That I have had enough and I want it over.
I feel Him tell me, it is not time my child.

WHEN WILL IT BE! I sob.

Patient little one; only I know what I have in store for you right now and trust me that it will be ok and this will all work out.

I get agitated now. It won't work out. This is nuts. This hurts so much and I am tired.

I know child, I know. It hurts me to see you this way. I need you here at this moment in time. You need to understand that this too will pass. That this desert we are walking through will end and on the other side is exactly what I want for you.

I look back and I can see that we have taken some steps. Together. Little ones. Just keep going I think to myself. Just keep going. I can't do it on my own.
I let my Father hold me as I lay my head upon His shoulder. I tell Him that I am angry and confused as to why I have to go through this. I am sorry that I am mad and forgive me.

It is ok that you are mad. I understand your thoughts and your fears. I have been there too. Just know that you need to call to me and I will come running. I am right here. Never to leave. I send my angels to lift you up on their wings to guide you through. This too will end. It may not feel like it right now but trust me it will. You are not alone. You never will be.

I want to trust you so bad. Help me to open to the light you shine on me. Thank you that you are there.

We continue on together. He still holds me in His arms like it requires no effort at all. Like I am as light as a feather. I calm and the tears stop. Knowing that they may fall again I keep my head against Him. In the safety of His arms I look around. I can see the hope. I can feel the hope. I WILL have the faith. I may not see the end right now but the thing is that the One that is holding me so close to His heart knows that it is coming. That this desert will become a thing of my past. One that makes me stronger and continues to bring me close to Him. I will again walk through the green pastures. I shut my eyes and know that deep, deep down it will be ok. I start to drift off knowing that I am safe. Feeling His breath upon my hair and His arms so tightly around me. Being careful to hold to that Faith. To hold to that Hope. To hold to Him.
The desert sucks. It can feel so lonely. It is where I need to be and I need to be ok with that. Although that too seems like a struggle in itself, I think I almost am.

Crossroads

Stopping at the crossroads
of life,
I look behind
and see colors;
painted with love,
hope,
joy and
laughter.
I look ahead
and see black.
No colors,
no white.
I look into my hands
and see the paintbrush.
I hold
a new beginning.
A brush that will age,
that will color
and paint
the roads to come.
I'M SCARED!
But remembering all
my friends,
parents and
God who helped
me paint the previous
road,
I wonder;
"what color
should I
start with?"

Once again His timing is perfect

I got this devotinal from Purpose Driven Life today. Just moments ago. Some of the statements I needed to hear again. He knew it. Perfect, as usual.
Thank you Lord for the reminders.


"What time is Christmas this year? You find the answer in four statements the angel said to the shepherds at the first Christmas (Luke 2:10-14).

1. It’s time to release your fears! The first thing the angel said was, “Do not be afraid!” Fear is your greatest barrier to knowing God and fulfilling his purposes for your life. Fear is a self-imposed prison that keeps you from living the life God intends for you. So whatever you are afraid of - Christmas is the time to let it go. The Bible contains 365 "Fear nots” - one for every day of the year! It’s time to stop worrying and start worshiping. Stop tensing up and start trusting God.

2. It’s time to renew your faith! Next, the angel said “I bring you good news with great joy, and it is for everyone!” The Good News of Jesus keeps getting better because the bad news of the world keeps getting worse. The Good News is that God loves you, he created you for a purpose, you can know God personally by trusting in Jesus, and he wants you to spend eternity with him. God has really long range plans for your life! Christmas is time to come back to God.

3. It’s time to receive forgiveness! Next the angel said, “Today a Savior has been born for you; He is Christ the Lord!” If our greatest need was education, God would have sent a teacher. If our greatest need was health, he would have sent a doctor. If our greatest need was financial, he would have sent an economist. But our greatest need is forgiveness, so God sent a Savior. It doesn’t matter what wrong you’ve done, Jesus paid for it on the cross. Accept his forgiveness.

4. It’s time to rebuild relationships! Finally the angel said, “Peace on earth, and goodwill to all people.” Once you’ve accepted God’s forgiveness, He wants you to forgive everyone else. Who do you need to offer forgiveness to this Christmas? It’s time to make peace!

I am?

I knew I should have continued with School. Well: could've, should've, would've....

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination. You were born to be a doctor.

What Advanced Degree Should You Get?

Phil, me and baby at 22 weeks pregnant

Phil, me and baby at 22 weeks pregnant
Originally uploaded by Miss-Buggy.

Last Christmas before we become first time parents!! Isn't Sue's tree pretty?

My first gingerbread house

myfirstgingerbreadhouse
Originally uploaded by Miss-Buggy.

In all my years I never made a gingerbread house until today. It was fun.

When I worship, I would rather my heart be without words than my words be without heart.

-Lamar Boschman

God's Pure Light

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." 1Jn 1:5

So being followers of Christ we are in the light. We are not in darkness. In Our Journey they talked about how the most common verse used at funerals is the "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Ps. 23:4
Although this is used, says the devotional, at funerals it can be related to many aspects of our life. The valley that you may be walking through right now may seem dark and endless. The battles you are fighting may feel dark. The pain in your heart seems to engulf you and drag you into further darkness. Yet even in this darkness is the light. The light of God.
I see the light as a very bright one. Pure. Warm. Not hurting to the eyes. Bright, but not to the point where you want to turn away from it. On the contrary, you want to go to it. As you look into the light you are surrounded and engulfed by the warmth of His touch. The feeling of safety. The light grows and you know that it is ok. The light is everlasting. A gentle touch.
I have had this feeling before. The feeling of warmth on my skin. It feels like this is how God lets me know that He is right there. In those moments that I need it the most. Like a gift sent down from Heaven it touches me. It pulls me into Him.
We have the light. We are the light. We have Jesus.
As I battle things in my life I feel like I am all alone in the darkness. That there is no way out. But then there is the light. My way out. God. The only real way out. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I choose not to look for the light. If I get wrapped up in my self-pity and my hurt to even stop and look right in front of me and see that He is the light guiding me.
The verse out of Psalm 23 seems to strike me a little more now. The fact that it was put into terms that I could relate with. That I can understand. That even though these times are dark it is ok because I have the best protector there ever is. We have the best protector.
As the light surrounds me and reminds me of His beauty I am awed. The strength. The power. The gentleness. The love. So many other emotions wrapped up in the gift that He chose to open my eyes to. The gift that warms me to my soul. That makes me praise Him now more then ever. Even in the dark times learning to praise Him can be hard. You wonder what the heck you did to deserve it. It is not what I did or didn't do to "deserve" the valley. It is the way closer to Him. To remember His light and know that I will never be fully engulfed in the darkness. I will use the light to battle the darkness and to come through the valley. So will you.

Man I suck

Ok. This is just a little way for me to get this all off my chest.
Monday at work I hurt my back around 2:15 in the afternoon. Told the boss right away. I know the muscles are a little more sensitive. The box wasn't even heavy. I just lifted it wrong. That night it was tough sleeping and the next morning was my day off so I got in the bath. Felt alright. Most of the day it hurt. It hurt the worst though when I got in and out of the car or drove from Abbotsford to Mission. I am a delivery driver. How is this going to work.
Last night it started to spasm. All the way up my back. Shoot. I thought it might be doing better. Last night was a terrible night sleep. Couldn't get comfortable. Can't lay on my back being pregnant and when I layed on my sides it hurt the back. So I retired to the recliner and finally fell asleep for a few hours. Woke up and tried the bed again.
This morning it hurts to sit at the computer here. It hurts to stand and even bend over to put on pants! My husband had to help me. He wants me to go to work and tell them that I can't work today. Then to go to the doctors. I can't help but feel this immense sense of guilt. Letting Phil down. Work down. I asked Phil if I should just bite it and push through but he doesn't want me to further hurt myself. In and out of the car. But what if work makes me work? He said they can't. What if I get in trouble. He says I can't. It was a work related injury.
So I am dreading going into work to ask to fill out forms. To say I can't work we are short enough on drivers. But if I can't do it I can't do it. Why hurt myself further right?
I just can't help but feel though that once again I am being the burden in our lives. I hope that this doesn't mess up anything for my maternity leave. I need to go pray now...

About our little man

This morning I got the "privilege" of sitting in the dentist chair for an hour to get my teeth clean and a new set of impressions made for my night guard. I have been feeling little man more and more. Well, I am not too sure that he likes the dentist. The water pick thingy started and I guess the hum of it startled him cause I got a pretty definite kick. He seems a little quieter now but makes me wonder if these things are really passed down through the gene pool.
It was kinda fun and exciting though.
So much character already.

Endless Battles

I can't help but see how many battles there are going on right now in so many places. Within so many souls and with a variety of people. Whether they are Christian or not in some way or another Satan has really been having a "hay-day", so to speak, with so many of us. There was a moment in time when you could totally feel God moving through us and churches. As with many things there needs to be a battle for us to stay tight to the Savior that will save us all.
The closer we get to God the harder Satan pushes to pull us away. The thoughts to make us feel unworthy. The diseases. The hurt. The anger. Bitterness. Judgment. Hate. You name it he is trying to bring us away from God by using it.
We physically start to feel the strain. Feel the pressure and the weakness in our hearts. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." It is the flesh that Satan chooses to play with. To pull at in any which direction in hopes that we will just give up with it all. Sometimes it almost feels like he succeeds. He doesn't though if we think about it.
Just as we may start to feel tired of fighting God shows us that we are not alone. The people that He puts in our lives are there to remind us of where we are and that they believe and that they will fight for us. We feel weak and tired of praying even. With a sense of quilt we catch ourselves stopping. Battling with doing what we know needs to be done. To drop to our knees and cry out to our Father. When we are knocked down so low it seems hard to drag ourselves up to that holy position. That is when we find out that even though we may have stopped God has put it on someone else's heart to start. To continue or to go more fiercely at it.
With everything going on it is hard to not see that it is a battle for our hearts right now. A battle that we know we must win. We know we will win. When we are wounded and down for the count God sends us someone to pick us up and to help us start putting the pieces back together one by one with the delicate tape of love and compassion.
When we feel like we can no longer go on He puts it on our hearts to reach out and ask for help. No matter how vulnerable we may feel at the moment He knows that it is in our best interest and it will work out. As we feel weak and ask for the help we see we are not alone. We see that others have been where we are. Or are even there right now going through the same thing. Our loving Father shows us how we need to lean on others for that support we were created to have. That we were created to need.
The battle seems endless and unforgiving. Painful. Hurtful. The closer we fall onto Jesus the more Satan fights. "GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!"
I feel that there really is nothing wrong when we need to call out for that help. When we need to be vulnerable. Satan wants us to do it all on our own. He wants us to blame God and I can just see him squirm when we all of a sudden utter our thanks to our Father. Weak and tired from the fight and just not wanting to go on we thank God for Him. For His love and His blessings. I can just imagine the squirming. The scream of defeat. Although we may not yet feel the strength to continue to battle we cry out to God. We defeat Satan. God uses others to love us and pray for us.
So each of us sit going through our own sets of turmoil and troubles. We are not alone. Although we may not know it somewhere someone is fighting for us. With gentle words and love. In the end God will prevail. He always does. Keep the Hope alive in Him and we will travel through this. Together. As a family. Supporting each other without even knowing how to say the right words.
God sure is amazing. Blows me away so often at just how precisely He works out the details. He won't wear out or get tired from any of this. He is our strength and reassurance when we are weak.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I was reading Erin's blog and I guess you can say that I got sucked in. She is having a contest to see what stories best catch her. I am not writing to "win" I am writing because once again she got me to thinking. And the fact that it sounds fun.
She says that she is "particularly interested in the concept of "waiting" and "anticipation" and how it all ties in to Christ, and the season." This is what has gotten me into a mode where I try to remember past events at Christmas. I have heard a lot about traditions lately and what they mean to you. Unfortunately I never grew up in a Christian home so the meaning of what Christmas was didn't exist for me. Sure I heard the stories but it rolled off me with no significant meaning. These past few years it seems almost as if it gets more and more understandable to me.
Some of my memories consist of getting a tree. Getting one for just us kids to decorate. It may have been a Charlie Brown tree sometimes but I always opted for the big full ones. Mom doing her own tree upstairs. Perfectly trimmed out upstairs and then when you go downstairs you knew us kids did that one. Waking mom up Christmas morning. She had to have her coffee before we could open anything but while she got her coffee ready we got to attack the stockings. We had stockings that were added to every year. Each year another inch or so was put on to represent the past year. Sometimes those stockings were bigger then us. Then we opened the presents. Played and went back to bed.
I used to get so excited when I was little that I couldn't sleep and would feel sick to my stomach. Every Christmas morning I would excitedly jump out of my bed to see if over night snow had fallen. Most of the time my heart had sunk. To this day I still get the excitement over Christmas. One year I even prayed to God asking if we could have snow for Christmas and sure enough it started on Christmas Eve. I still have trouble sleeping. Each year has meant a little more to me. Sitting staring at the Christmas lights. I can still sit there for hours and just be taken away by the twinkling that they do in between the branches. Or the lights on the houses. Absolutely beautiful.
This year is no exception, I am sure. This year I have continued to be in awe. Continued to think more and more about the Son that was given to us on that special day. The Son that eventually died for us. The more I think about God and Jesus the more I want to make sure that is a special tradition in my child's life. That this little man can be proud of what Christmas is and what it represents to it's truest sense of the meaning. That my kids would know the Christmas story and love it with all their little hearts. I am longing to make more traditions with my kids. Making cookies. Sitting together and reading the Christmas story. Not only for them to learn but for me to continue to grow. This Christmas is one where we sit closer to God then any before. This year the true meaning of Christmas is coming through for us. It's all about Jesus. All about our Savior. This year I am trying to embrace it as fully as I can and learn to hold Him as much as I can.
I love good memories. I can't wait to provide those for my child. For my child to know Jesus. To love Him and know the real meaning behind Christmas.

Little by little...still

Ever feel like you hear something just at the right time? Mine today has been little by little. I have heard it before. Have tried it before and compared to where I have been I think that I have succeded.
Then all of a sudden out of no where - BAM! It hits you. Kinda feels like a 5-ton flat bed has plowed into you. Trust me, I remember what that feels like.
If you look at it so many things in life need to be done little by little. The baby needs to grow to be strong, little by little. Healing from an injury needs to be taken slowly. When you hear something you don't want to but you know it is right it too needs to be done little by little.
The trust needs to be there. As hard as it is.
We will pull out of the spiral we are in with those baby steps. It is just so hard to remember to take those when you get so frustrated and confussed. You think, here we go again, but knowing that it is the right thing and it needs to be done.
I am really feeling somewhat lost. I need to just trust God and let Him lead my husband and I the way He wants us to go. I need to trust my husband. He is doing what is right and what needs to be done for the family. He is being the provider that so many men long to be and I need to let go of that part of me that wants to control that. I need to let him. Little by little I have to know that I don't need to be the one to control all things. I need to be the one to lovinly support him in these times.
I need to hand it over to God. Trusting that He is working on it little by little. I need to remember the scripture: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Mt. 6:34. How true is that and each day He gives us the strength to get through that day. Just read about it this morning. Sure I can worry about tomorrow or yesterday but it really won't get me very far. What about just dealing with today?
So, little by little I am taking the steps and learning. It is a long road but God has our best interest in mind and I need to just trust that. I need to take it little by little.

I talked to my doctor...

about the ultrasound. She said there is no abnormalities. His little heart and His little brain are looking good. He looks healthy. Yeah!! Keep growing baby.

Faith

This is what I read at church yesterday.


It is by faith that we believe in God and His son Jesus Christ.

Today we light this candle to represent Faith. I, myself am learning the full extent of it's meaning but it you were to go to the dictionary you would find it described as "a believing without proof; trust or confidence." That is what we have in God. That we may not see Him we still have the trust and the confidence in Him to lead us the way He desires. In our darkest, hardest times having Faith in Christ is what makes us strong.
We live in a society where it is hard to keep the Faith alive and prominent in our lives. In Matthew 17:20-21 Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." As hard as it is to just hand it over and let it be, we do it by Faith knowing that God has control. That the outcome He will provide us with will be so much greater then what we can ever do for ourselves.
I can stand here and tell you that it isn't easy but having that Faith in God is so worth it.

In Light of Advent

I am learning what Advent means. Not growing up in the church it hasn't really been until this year that I have been wanting to surround myself with information.
At church yesterday my husband and I got to light the first advent candle on Faith.
I heard this quote a while ago and came across it this morning. How appropriate. In so many ways then just the fact of it being advent.

"Faith is the refusal to panic."

I am slowly, ever so slowly getting better at the whole not panicking thing. So does that mean that I am getting better at having the Faith? I sure hope so. Cause God is really the only one I can really rely on. He comes through my life. Through my husband or my family or friends. But when I start seeing that it was Him things really do start to make more sense.

Guess what!!

It's snowing in Aldergrove. HEAVY too. I LOVE SNOW!
Yes I do drive for a living but I still love it. Come on snow!!!

God's touch

The rain poured down so thick that I could barely see in front of my face. Had to stop for a light and thinking I could make it slammed on the brakes. Wheels locked and I just missed going through the intersection by ICBC. NEVER slam on your brakes in the rain. I knew that but in a moment of panic I did it anyway.
Yesterday felt like a particularly stressful day at work. Driving in that weather can be hard. Extra attention payed to other people running red lights or inches away from my back end. The radio decided to quit working as well. So if the weather wasn't bad enough I didn't even get to listen to my favorite thing. God's word. Spent a lot of time talking to Him though. My back was even extra sore that day and all around it felt crappy. I tried to make the best of it.
Then it happened. God's hand came through and marveled me with His magnificent beauty. For the first time the rain had stopped towards the end of my shift. The stress was easing a bit. Still no music though. Then as I came up to the top of an overpass my breath was taken away. There in front of me in amidst the dark clouds was a break. At about horizon level there was a thick line of clear sky. The sun still hiding behind the dark clouds it's light shone on underneath it. The light bounced into the clearing and rolled under the clouds above. Causing it to look like God had just taken a paint brush and stroked away to His hears content. Rolling over the clouds were whispers of red, purple and yellow. The sky was blue. Bright with His light. My breath caught in my chest. For that brief moment I saw His beauty once again and once again it took me away. Away from the stress and anxiousness.
Unable to stop and enjoy it I sat there raising Him. Looking towards the horizon as much as I could. Wishing I could pull over and take a picture with my camera phone. I got to a clearing and took a chance. Pulled over. But, you know it just wasn't the same. The colors, although beautiful were different. The sun sank lower in the sky. The clouds were parted more. The magical moment of that split second was gone. Only to be forever etched into my mind.
Of course, being the way I am I thought that it was meant for me to see. In that particular moment at that particular time He came to me. In my business and worries of the morning I remember and a smile is brought to my face. He is so amazing. So beautiful. There just aren't enough words for me to be able to describe what I feel. Loved.

Baby

I think I might have startled our little LB this morning. I have been thinking that I have been feeling the baby move but have not been 100% sure yet. Although this morning I bet it was little one. I was scooping applesauce into a container fo rmy lunch and I smacked the spoon on the container a few times to get all the sauce off. Right when I did it I felt a little "bump". Right above my button for my jeans. I got all excited. That had to of been LB. It was the coolest feeling. I can't wait until it is more prominent. hehehe

Do good to everyone

1Brothers and sisters, what if someone is caught in a sin? Then you who are guided by the Spirit should correct that person. Do it in a gentle way. But be careful. You could be tempted too. 2Carry each other's heavy loads. If you do, you will give the law of Christ its full meaning.
3If you think you are somebody when you are nobody, you are fooling yourselves.

Galations 6:1-3


Sometimes this can be the hardest part of being family.

A gift from God

I was going to wait to blog any pictures until we knew if it was a boy or girl but I just couldn't wait!
This is our little one. Our LB. A special gift from God.
When it was just me and the ultrasound technician baby just calmly layed there while I talked away. Then I went to go and get Daddy. That changed everything. Daddy leaned in and said two words and the baby went nuts!! Started squirming and hamming it up for him. Rolling. Looking right at us. The perfect little angel looked so awesome. The spine looked great as did the heart. It's spine looked like a train track. The heart beating in front of our very eyes. It totally amazes me how this is such a little person right now.
From about grown to rump it measures about 15cm's. That isn't including the long legs and feet that we saw.
Thank you God for such an amazing gift. Such a blessing in our lives. Our LB.

LB's long legs

Are we really that afraid?

I have been listening to a lot of radio when I drive at work. Some things are really starting to bug me.
On the radio a while back I heard about a group of people that got together and rewrote the bible. Quite literally actually. I think it was called the TNIV. Today's New International Version. They explained how a group of people had taken it upon themselves to rewrite the bible to make it more politically correct. Canceling out words such as He, Him, Father and His. Making it more "gender friendly". Now, I am not an expert, even a little bit, on the knowledge of the bible. But it seems to me that God has commanded us not to change His word and whoever should do so should suffer the consequences. I think there is something somewhere about it but am not sure. I think it is in revelations. So why are they so focused on making it more gender friendly when they, as Christians, are ignoring one of the plain and simple facts that God stated.
Then I heard about another man in the states that is an atheist. He even has his own following. He is actually trying to remove "In God We Trust" from coins and the back of bills. Stating that it is not right for those that chose not to follow any religion. What about those that do have a religion? What about their freedom? Why change things that have been solid forever?
Then there is the whole not aloud to say merry Christmas thing. It is happy holidays instead. What happened to the meaning behind Christmas. Also the whole Ad and BC issue. AD, After Death is now ACE After Common Era and BC is now BCE Before Common Era. We acknowledge the era as common but yet we cannot acknowledge the fact that what makes that era common is Christ?
What makes me wonder is are they really that scared? That scared to admit the fact that someone else is in control of their life? That someone higher then themselves created us and died for us. Kinda makes me agitated. Is Satan having that much of a pull today that things really need to change?
This has been in my mind for a while. Still trying to process it all. I guess for me the way to life seems like such a simple answer. God. The way to God seems even simpler, Jesus. In my little naive mind it makes sense. Even though I tend to not trust or I tend to question I find myself believing that there is no possible way that I can imagine any other being greater then God in my life. Sure some might say science. But who created that science? Who created those people to figure things out?
Just my little rambling for a while. It is sad really. Are we really that afraid?

God's Love

"for his steadfast love endures forever." Ps. 136

This sentence occurs in this particular Psalm about 26 times. In the NIV version it is recorded as "His love endures forever".
Nothing like reading something you needed to first thing in the morning. I know that in my heart. I have been told that. It was like God was reconfirming that in me this morning in the devotional by Soul Journey.
Last night I had my moments. Had some frustrating moments of feeling purely overwhelmed. Exhausted and worried about the fact of whether or not He will be able to provide what we need in this moment. It is really coming down to the trust issues for me. Like I have said before, that issue is so hard for me to accept completely.
By reading this passage this morning it occurred to me that He will provide what we need for right now. Not what we want. Not what I want. But exactly enough of what I NEED. He will provide this for me because "His love endures forever."
Human love is one thing. The article tells of how even "Though the love that others extend may be lavish—only God’s love is unfailing." It really is sad but true if you think about it. No matter how hard you try there will come a moment in which we hurt those that we love. A moment in which we can tear one another apart and destroy that special relationship because we are human. We will hurt others no matter how hard we try not to because only God is perfect. That hurts me to my soul. That there may be a time when I let those that I love down. That I may hurt them. That they may hurt me. That in that particular moment it can all be done and over with and end.
With the enduring love of God we don't have to worry about whetherer or not He will stop loving us. He always will. We are His. His children. His love. Our earthly parents may stop loving us. We may constantlyly battle with them. We may never get to feel that unconditional love from them. However, in some way there is always someone out there that is providing that unconditional love. We just need to see who that person God has provided for us in our lives is. We need to open to them and understand that they are loving us with all their heart.
I can almost imagine it. God loves us. He loves us so much that He hurts for us. I can almost see the pain in His precious face when we turn to Him asking Him why we are going through this wilderness. Why we have to go through the hurt and the pain. I can almost see His eyes and the sorrow He feels when He tells us that we need to go through this so that we can see that we are able to handle it. That He needs us here right now at this point in time so that we can learn to rely fully on Him. I can see His eyes as they long to pull me into Him while He holds me and tells me that He is doing this because He loves me. Because it is another road to my healing and my Journey closer to Him.
Love hurts. It hurts bad sometimes. He hurts when we do. I can see it. I feel it. No matter what though His love is one that won't fail us. That won't let us down. He brings it to us individually or through others. Gives me a sense of peace knowing that no matter what I do I can still come to Him. That He won't leave me. Something I need to remember when I have those moments of doubt and am scared out of my pants. I need to just picture Him holding His arms out to me telling me to come into Him. To let Him hold me. To let Him love me. I need to let Him. Do you?

Rea had her baby!

Just the other day my friend Rea had her baby. A baby boy. I am not going to list the details cause Uncle Mitch has it all listed. So check it out here.
I am just so thankful that he has arrived safe and mom and him are doing well. Thank you Lord for the blessing of Tyson and for the health of Rea.

On the long journey

I have come to some realization in myself the past few weeks. I realized that all my life I have been the one to defend others and to be the strong one in most, if not all, situations. If I wasn't to be that strong person and set the example then who would? How would we be able to get through the situation? I have learned to not rely on anyone. Not even myself. Thus the reason why I find it so hard to trust people at all. Even myself sometimes. Why I find it so hard to trust God. There is a part of me that needs to have that trust and love earned. I don't use those words easily. When I do say them you know I mean it. I have let people walk on me. Let them knock me when I am down. That's just the reality of what being me had been all these years.
I am tired of it. Wanting to just get up and run but at the same time wanting to let someone comfort me and take care of me. But if I show that vulnerability then how can I help anyone else? How can I help to make situations bearable or even be a listening ear when I am the one that needs to be listened to? I am the one that is weak. How can I be strong when all I want to do is collapse and just let my guard down for once?
I am only one person. Tired of running, tired of pulling the damn mask off and on again and again. Not knowing who I really am anymore. He's proud of me. No matter what I do? No matter how weak I become and how vulnerable I allow myself to be.
I have been slowly learning how to accept those vulnerable moments. To embrace them. Let the tears fall. Spent so many years by-passing them that there is just too many to keep holding in anymore. I can help someone by helping myself. By showing that I am human and that it is ok to go through the emotions.
I've been broken. Not once. Not even twice. I always thought that it would be one rock bottom then that was it. But I have found that to be false. There are many situations in which I may feel like I am hitting rock bottom because I need to just come back to Jesus. I need to reach back out to Him. I need to allow the comfort and the healing to begin in my heart. He will break me as many times as He feels He needs to. That is the scary part. Just when I think it is over and done I am drowning again. Only if I were to put my stubborn pride on the shelf and reach out to the loving, caring arms that are being stretched out to me. The ones that have no strings attached. The ones that won't turn around the next minute and be mad at me for letting myself just lose it all. Draining myself of all emotion knowing that I am in a safe place and surrounded by love and that it is ok to hurt.
It is ok for me to accept the love and have the faith that it isn't going to all go south on me. That I can and will actually do something good that I won't get disciplined or judged for.
I have a long way to go before I realize what God is saying to me. Maybe it is just me that needs to listen a little closer.
Knowing that it is human and that it is ok for me to just be me. The sad, the happy or the ugly. That I am loved no matter what. I am loved unconditionally and it totally blows me out of the water.
I am learning to embrace and capture the moments in His presence and learning to understand that this is all a process that He wants me to go through. At this particular point in time this is what He wants from me. No matter how hard it may be for me to accept, He knows it. Yet He patiently waits.
I know I have said it before but I am so glad that we have such a loving, patient Father. On this long journey that I hesitantly agree to take step by step He has my back. That this journey may be different from the next but I always have that love. If I would just learn to embrace it.

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

Sometimes I hate dreams

Sometimes dreams come true or are a look at what you need to do in your life or what needs to be done to help others. Other times the dreams are just way too far fetched to the point where we realize that they are only from our over active imagination.
Well, this morning I am having difficulty distinguishing what needs to be done about a dream I had. Not going to get into the specifics but in it there were at least ten people. You know how sometimes you can't really see the faces? You just know who they are? Well not in this case. I can name every single person in that dream. I can tell you what they were feeling even. When I woke I thought nothing of it. It was just a dream.
Yet I couldn't help but feel an emense sadness. A cry out for help. Now the thing that bothers me is who is it for? So I layed there talking to God and didn't really hear and audible answer about who needed the prayer and what needed to be said so I prayed for everyone in that dream. Lifted each person to God. The thing that disturbs me is that it is still on my mind. Many hours later. Why? Am I over thinking it or is God trying to tell me something?
So here I sit thinking it over and talking it out with God. Relifting those individuals. Deep down hoping that I am over thinking this and that everyone is ok. Just can't shake the sad feeling. The lost feeling. Feelings I can't even put my fingers on yet. The cry for help I heard but knew it wasn't said word for word. In the dream we prayed for someone. That someone fought it every step of the way. The only thing I can do is pray. What a crappy way to feel this morning. I can feel the sadness, the hurt and the pain within my heart. Ouch.

Yeah, I had to do it too....

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest: You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth. At Your Lowest: You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked. In Love: You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve. How You're Attractive: You are very affectionate and inspire trust. Your Eternal Question: "Am I Respected?"

What's Your Power Color?

My Inner Child

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

There goes my "brilliant" theory

Since I first found out I was pregnant I had boy dreams. Very vivid boy dreams Very real feeling. So I came to the conclusion that I must be having a boy. Well, my dream last night blew that out of the water! I dreamed I had a little girl. Blonde hair. I remember seeing her little face and her little hand clenched around the index finger of an adult. Now maybe, just maybe it could be a girl.
I guess God will tell me if He wants me to know before hand. I just want a healthy baby.
Ahhhh.... dreams. Sometimes they can mean absolutely nothing of the sort.
The heart rate is also 150 bpm. I am sure some of you are saying that means nothing. But still makes me think.

There's no turning back now....

The door that God has worked so hard at opening has been one that I have been fighting stepping through. With a lot of prayer and trust that step has now been taken. As I look over my shoulder I can see the door lingering, taunting me with the false reality of the safety on the other side. Step back through this way and you won't need to be vulnerable. You can put on that mask again. I had enough. Looking away from the door I see black in front of me but beside me I see the Master Artist with a paint brush in His hand and a smile on His face. Knowing that I did the right thing I take a hold of His hand as we paint the steps to come and the future that lies before me. The future that only our Creator knows what will look like. Only He knows the colors. So I leave it in the Masters hands. I trust Him. I have taken that step and there is no turning back now.
From behind me I hear the door slowly inch closed. Day by day it inches a little further until one day I will feel it slam shut and look into the hands of my Father and see the key. The key that He used to open the door will be the same one that He will use to shut it behind us.
Stepping out of my comfort zone. Hands shake, heart quickens and head spins. Feeling His hands on my shoulders knowing that He is there to catch me when I fall. Because I will fall, I am only human. But thankfully with Him my landing will feel much softer and a little more bearable then before.
It feels good knowing that in my heart and soul I have stepped into the light that He was waiting for me to feel. The warmth that He knew was there but I was too chicken to allow myself to trust. To allow myself to let go. My grasp is getting looser. My fingers are no longer digging into the door frame. But are hanging onto God's arms for dear life. Knowing that together we will get through this and that it is ok.
There is no turning back now. As I step further and further from the door, closer to my Fathers arms into the trust and the love that have always been there but I had just been too scared to accept it. So the journey has begun yet again. Another journey with the same trusting guide at my side. A journey that may take a while. One that I may feel like I get lost in. One where I may feel alone yet I know that the One that is capable of leading me has control of the map and knows the destination in which we venture to.

Giving it up

And handing it over are two things that I have really been trying to do. To just leave it in God's hands. I don't know what it is with those two things that I find so hard to do.
I thought that with each situation I would have to do it just once. Once when it came up and that would be final. I have found that to be false. Well in my world anyway.
These things keep coming up over and over. I find myself thinking about it. Tossing and turning. Should have done this. Shouldn't have done that. If only this and if only that. You know it is true, hindsight is really 20/20.
So I have found myself giving over the same situation many times. Many times trying to pass it over to God. There really is nothing I can do to fix any of it. It is not in my control and I think that is what bothers me the most and makes it so hard. Every time it comes up I now try to stop and tell God, "I know I am asking again but please take this worry, this hurt and this stress from me." Man He must be getting tired of hearing from me by now.
The stupid thing is that I hope that others can help me to come up with answers. When in actuality it is not their problem. It is mine and I can really only expect God to come up with the answers that I need. Then I need to trust that I have given it to Him and it is in His hands and there is no safer place for it to be.
When I hurt I run to people. Have tried to do that all my life. Most of the time though they can't do anything for me. But I still run to them. In the midst of taking that first step I need to stop and turn to God. It is a lot tougher for me to do then I ever thought. I need to do it over and over again until I get it right. One day that will happen. I am just glad that He won't give up on me in the process.
So as I lay wide awake yet again this morning with the worry going through my head I turned to God. (then I came and did a blog). I asked Him if He is getting tired of me handing the same thing to Him over and over again. I got a "of course not." I guess that if I need to give it to Him time and time again I will. Until I can trust fully deep within my heart that He has a safe hold on it. I can say that I trust He's got it all but then would I still worry? I guess that is the human part of me. I am a worrier. But like I have heard before: "worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you no where." So true. Tired of rocking back and forth. So here I sit giving it over yet again. Afraid still that He might get mad. That He will get tired of hearing it. But the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that He isn't like my Earthly parents. He is slow to anger. Quick to love. That I am grateful for.

Being Watched

Last night during my restlessness I was remembering some of my childhood. I remembered the feeling of being watched growing up. Not just by parents but by someone unseen to my human eye. I never grew up in a Christian home. My mom didn't agree with religion I guess. She didn't like it when we talked about going to church with one of the kids she babysat. Wasn't sure about the idea.
Funny thing is that even though I did not become a Christian until my late teens, early twenties, I grew up always feeling like I was being watched. I even referred to a God that I didn't know existed.
I remember at one point when I was younger I had this sense come over me that I was being watched all the time. To the point that I thought I needed to get changed in my closet so that what ever was watching me didn't see me change. Funny hey? I remember when it rained I thought God was crying or watering His garden. When it snowed I thought He was sweeping His home in the clouds. When it was sunny He was just purely happy. When it was dark and the moon was shining He had a light on. Sounds pretty pathetic hey? I thought angels came down to Earth on the sunbeams that I watched dance through the clouds.
I guess you could say that I had a vivid imagination as a child. Now I see it as the fact that I knew God was there. Even though I didn't know who He was. I believed someone else was watching over me and I knew nothing of the gospel or of the Savior that was sent to die for us. But my childish heart believed.
Made me see that He really was there all my life. Even though it was forced to not be thought of He was there. Even though any of my questions were ignored He stayed by my side. Even though I wasn't aloud to go to church I found Him in my own ways. Found the Father that I didn't even know existed. Lost Him for a while. He was still there but no longer was I. I was too busy. Came to Him again when I was older and while lying in my bed last night talking to Him, with my husband practically in a comma beside me, I was given the reminder that in my heart I knew that He was there.
In my heart I knew I was being watched by Him and protected. That gave me such a peaceful feeling. Opened my eyes to the fact that He was always pursuing me even when I pushed Him away and that He will still find me. Gave me a warm feeling that this same God that I knew was there when I was small was watching over us now and will be the one that my child believes in. That my child knows who it is that is watching over them. What an awesome feeling to know that when I can't be there someone else is that is able to watch and protect every step of the way. Thankful that I am being watched.