I am scared.....is this me too??

I belive in my heart but I am scared I don't feel Him. I worry that people think I am only pretending....I swear I am not....THAT is my secret....

Post Secret

More from The Shack -pg.91

"You must know," he offered, "calling you Papa is a bit of a stretch for me."

"Oh really?" She looked at him in mock surprise. "Of course I know. I always know." She chuckled. "but tell me, why do you think it's hard for you? Is it because it's too familiar for you, or maybe because I am showing myself as a woman, a mother, or...."

"No small issue there," Mack interrupted with an awkward chuckle.

"Or, maybe it's because of the failures of your own papa?"


The main character's wife calls God Papa cause it makes her feel the close intimate bond with Him. I find it hard to call Him Dad, Papa, Father anything. Mine have all let me down. Who says God won't....
Also God appears to this man as a tall black woman.


another one: Page 185

"Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don't ever assume that my using something mean I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grave in many facets and colors."

Happy Birthday Payton!!

my my little miss! You sure have grown!! We miss you.... LOVE YOU and Happy Birthday!!
*disclaimer* The first two were not taken by me.....

The Shack by William P. Young

I have just started to read this book. I was always afraid of it cause I have heard that it can pull you deep and bring out emotions. I didn't want to read it but then when it was suggested to me ONCE AGAIN I decided to pick it up.
I am going to share something from page 114. It rings VERY true for me. Like the author is reading my mind. There will be another entry later on as I am sure there will be many other entries. I found something further on in the book as well but this one is one I want to share right now. At this moment.

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost"

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

I hope you're right," Mach said, his tension lessened by the words of his newfound friend. "


That really hit home for me. It is like I could have written those words that Mack said. I hope that what "Jesus" said there is right too. To actually NOT be alone and not feel so lost would be nice. To picture that God may be saying to me, "I am sorry it feels that way..." makes me feel that maybe He really does hear me. That maybe I don't know how to turn on my listening ears to Him.
The book is hard for me to read. I take it chapter by chapter, resting in between to "think". But a change needs to happen. I NEED to feel God. I NEED to feel loved, accepted and safe. I NEED it. I NEED GOD.....

this really resonated with me at Church on Sunday. I had a panic attack even and didn't know HOW to work through it. I have been holding the emotions and feelings back. But that is another post. LOL.

Draw Me Close to You

Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the Warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near

to look at me from the outside...

would you believe I was a Christian? That I do love God. That I believe Jesus is my savior and that God is good? I wouldn't believe me.

I know in my heart of hearts that I love God. Yet I ONCE AGAIN feel detached and alone. Like I can't talk to Him. Like he doesn't want to hear me. Like He would turn me away on that day of judgment. That hurts. That scares me.

Yet I don't know where to turn. I spin around and around in circles and am not sure what to say or do. Do I want to talk? No not really. Do I need to talk? Probably. Do I know what I need to say? Nope. Can't put ANYTHING into words.

How do I know He is listening? How do I know He loves me? How do I know He won't give up on me or knock me when I am down?

Tonight a friend asked for prayer. For some reason it made me tear up. I can't do that. I can't ask for prayer. I don't think God wants to hear from me. I don't know how to fabricate my words.

yeah if this is the devil he sure is giving me a run for my money. And I don't know what to do or where to turn.

I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!

there is a busy body nosey cow in our building that can't keep her nose on her own face. She is in our business about Phil's mustang that is just sitting in the parkade. The STUPID mustang is not selling. We even knocked it down to $2400. It just isn't the market.
So it is sitting in the parkade without insurance on it, but is covered under our HOUSE insurance but that doesn't matter. I have to go out and spend more money on this CAR that is not even being used by us. We need to sell it. We can't afford it. I just want to take it to the wrecker and get rid of it.
but there is no point to get rid of a perfectly fine car. grrr....
I HATE where we live. I hate busy bodies. I can't stand people getting involved in our business. The smokers, the pot, the noise, the phone calls are all really getting to me. I just want to up and move away from ALL OF THIS!!

Where I live is starting to drive my insane.

I am just a big old ray of sunshine aren't I?
But our condo is starting to drive me NUTS.
I am very thankful for it and to have an inexpensive place to live but at the same time things are driving me INSANE!!

- we are running out of room
- I have smokers beside me, behind me, and kiddy corner above me.
- a neighbour across the way doesn't speak english. I think it is German and she YELLS in German. Then every night her porch light goes on at 11pm and she is still yelling at who ever is in the house.
- the room, did I say that??
- being on the third floor.
- no where for the kids to play besides a small porch.
- can hear the neighbours above me
- can't draw chalk on the sidewalk cause I get in trouble by busy body on strata.
- said busy body always has something to complain about with us

ok...I vented. We need to sell this car so we can save money. I need out!!

The scariest thing just happened to me today.

I took Cooper and my daycare boy down to the park. I let them walk, it is at the end of our street. Something told me to bring the stroller though.
So I get closer to the park and I see this guy pacing the little walk way into the park. I thought it was odd and held the kids hands a little tighter. We walked through the ally type thing that leads to the park. The guy was leaning on the corner of the fence. He said HEY. I ignored him as my DB (daycare boy) said PARK!! So I said "Yes ____, that's the park."
So we walked into the park and I kept my third eye on this guy. Who then sat down and watched us. I pushed the stroller all the way into the park. I look over my shoulder and I don't see him there anymore. So I was hesitantly taking out my camera. I NEVER take my camera when it is just me with the kids. I start taking some pictures then see him out of the corner of my eye again. This time a bit closer. Then he walks onto the grass and we are on the gravel. He is a ways away still. He yells, "is that a digital video camera?" I just said yes. He said how many minutes does it hold. I looked at him and said it was a camera while pushing it behind me.
Then I turn to the kids, who are like 4 feet behind me and bend down to their level. I tell them that we have to go. Cooper pitches a fit. Who wouldn't? We had just gotten there. I looked at him and asked him to look in my eyes. He did and I said, "Cooper that man is scaring mommy. We need to get in the stroller and go." so Cooper says ok. We get Cooper and my DB in the stroller. I lock them down. I ask Cooper to hang onto the camera. The guy is watching every move we make. So I start to leave the park. Racking my brain thinking what I could do. There is a bit of panic rising and I realize that I need to get to a house and HOPE that they will let me use their phone.
I look over my shoulder and he is following us out of the park. So I turn to the house that is right on the edge of the park. Knock on the door and hope that they speak English and will help me out.
A teenaged boy answers. I told him that there is a guy behind me following me and if I could please use his phone to call the cops. He said sure. Grabbed the phone, then I said, is there anyway I can go in the backyard or something so it looks like I know you. The boy was very nice and said sure.
So we go into the backyard and I called the cops. They ended up coming and looking for the guy, who had in turn already walked back to the park to watch us in this yard. The cop took all my information. I appologized and said sorry for taking up his time. He said, "No you did the right thing." I said I was scared to walk home. He said it was ok that he would watch me head home. So he headed towards my house while I ran home. No jogging just flat out run. Then he got to our street and turned around to leave. I waved thanks and he waved back.
I was most concerned about the boys. Then a friend said, what if he did something to you in front of the boys. That made me realize that it could have happened. Then the kids would be traumatized. My main concern was the boys. I didn't care what would happen to me. Didn't even think about it. My concern was their safety.
I told the cop I didn't know if he was just a shady character or if he was strung out. The cop kind of chuckled and said, "it's abbotsford. He is probably strung out." LOL.
I cried when I got home. The adrenaline wearing off. I was really scared. I will NEVER be going back to that park again.

Why is it...

that people who DON'T want to be pregnant or are NOT trying to get pregnant all of a sudden get a "OH! Look at this, I am pregnant!"
It's not fair! I see it and hear it all the time. Especially those poor kids that are abused or killed due to their "parents". When there are people that have been trying to get pregnant for years, or lose their baby, or can't get pregnant at all. Ones that would LOVE to have a baby. Yet other parents that just throw kids away.
I really don't get this world we live in!

test of will!!

I forgot to post this last Friday.



mommy one Cooper nothing!! LOL!!

Tonight's dinner took about 45 minutes. He refused to eat. I refused to make something different just for him. He wanted to play. So the battle began. I totally kept my cool the whole time. I told him that if he didn't eat he would be going to the corner. He refused. So to the corner he went. He stayed there until he was ready to eat. He spent like 5 - 10 minutes in the corner. I asked him if he was ready to eat and he said "no, play" so I said "ok then you stay in that corner until you are ready to eat. Then walked away as he yelled "EAT!!" So we started another round. Him sitting there pouting. Refusing to eat and playing. So a long time went by and I said, "Ok Cooper come with me. Time to go sit in the corner again until you are ready to eat" He was MAD. But we went. Then repeated above. He finally ate!!! Half of his little serving of dinner. But I was satisfied.

I know some may disagree with it but I am very proud of myself, I stuck to my guns and my rules. It was a test of will. Which person was gonna cave. I usually get angry and frustrated at things and I remained calm the WHOLE TIME!! But I tell you it was exhausting!!! whew......



ETA: when he ate the rice and stuff I kissed him on the top of the head and asked him to look at my eyes. I looked at him and said "mommy is really proud of you. Thank you. You are a good boy." Then he looks at me and says, "I forry mom" awwwwww

Through a child's eyes

you really learn to appreciate the little things.
I have a little book that I have for Cooper. Talking to him when we were pregnant. When he was tiny and growing up. I just went to write in it yesterday and realized that it had been a YEAR since I last wrote. I can't believe I have slacked that much!
I just wanted to share some of the things he says and does that makes me laugh.
He has so many funny statements.
"I funny!" He always tells everyone that he is funny.
"CHASE YOU!" He will yell that and then run after you. He LOVES to chase Joel. I think that is his favorite.
"WHOA! FAST MOMMY!" He says this when I am driving. My little speed watcher.
"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE heeeiiiiiiiiiilllllllll" as we are going DOWN a hill.
my newest favorite:
"BIG MOMMY BIG?!" He will ask for a hug and then say BIG mommy BIG. He wants a bear hug.
This melts my heart:
"mommy otay? otay mommy?"

He LOVES to swim. Will talk about it for a week afterwards. He loves to also:
Throw rocks into the river
Puddle jump
RUN!! He loves running
Crash cars. While yelling cassh!!!
going for walks.

he does wear on me but these moments are better then any type of "wear" I may get. It is time to put him to bed now....

wanting answers.....

to something that I will never get an answer to.

I keep thinking about the pregnancy. Mind you it is a little less. I actually had to THINK how far along I would be. But I can't help but wonder if it might have been a chemical pregnancy.
You know you get the symptoms and everything just there is no baby.
I will never know these answers. Only God knows them.
Am I unhealthy?
Am I overweight?
Did I not take enough vitamins?
Pray too hard? Not hard enough?
Was there really a baby?

I may NEVER know the answers to these questions, even when I get to heaven. But they still go through your head. Time to let go and let God......

some times you can't stop them.....

no matter how hard I PUSH the tears away. I HOLD them down. I hide them.
They just flow once given the opportunity.
My breathing gets heavy and my feet are dug in fighting but the tears fall. DAMN IT!

I think I lied.....

not doing that great today.....

A week later

and I think I am doing ok. Well not bad actually. I can't help but feel a lot guilty though. I have had some great support from a few friends. One friend also told me that my feeling of "gypping" the baby is really not from God. Cause I feel like if we tried again I would be gypping the one we just lost. But my friend said if that were the case then I wouldn't even WANT to have another after Cooper. God loves children.
I sometimes feel like I still have some pregnancy symptoms but I know that it is all in my head. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, oh we would have been able to see the heartbeat this week. But I have to stop myself cause it just ends up consuming me.
I am still VERY angry and snap at a lot of things. I am REALLY tired too. I am not mad at God just angry in general. I have started to think about it as God was looking out for me. Of course there are TONS of questions as to why. Why He would allow someone to go through this when He knows the heart ache.
As a friend said though, God gave up HIS son. So He knows and understands this heartache. Maybe, just maybe He may use me to help someone else.

The last week I have had a few verses really stand out and be a help in this time for me.
Proverbs 3:5,6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.


Romans 8:28.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I have received both verses before. Prov. on April 13, 2005 and Rom. on March 17, 2006. That is another thing I have noticed I need to get back into. The last time I opened my promise book and actually wrote something down was August 3, 2007. Almost a YEAR!!
anyway....
Things do work for the good of those that love God. It really is hard for me to see right now that this can be of any good. It has brought me closer to understanding a few friends though. So that must be good. It has also brought me closer to another friend.
Trust in the Lord....trust that He knew what was going to happen and He knew what I would go though. That is still a tough one. I don't really understand why He, the all knowing God, would "allow" someone to go through this. I don't think I ever will understand.
Gives me a bit of peace though knowing that Jesus is up there with my little baby and that He is taking care of the baby. So a week later and I feel a little more at peace. But am finding the events playing over and over in my mind. I feel guilty for feeling at peace. I feel guilty for moving on. But I have to.

Not that brought a tear to my eye....

we are supposed to be camping right now. But I just couldn't handle things and we came home early. On the way home I was just sitting thinking. On Thursday we got an ultra sound that showed an empty cervix. So the baby was not there anymore. They left me alone to look at that DANG picture for a bit until I was ready. I kept looking to make sure they didn't miss anything. As if they didn't know how to do their job!
So on the way home Cooper was in the back talking away.
"mommy otay?
"otay mommy?
"sad, mommy. Otay? Otay Momyy. Baby?"

Then Phil and I looked at one another and Phil said, "Is mommy sad about the baby?" Cooper all sad like said, "yeah....."

Brought a tear to both our eyes. Well made me ball.......
How does he know!!!

Got this poem from a friend.....It made me cry but made me feel like I could deal easier. I am mad at God but am realizing that He did this for a reason. What I don't get is if He knows every page in our books why He would allow miss carriages to happen. I guess I am just at a stage where I don't understand.


HEAVEN'S NURSERY
In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, t heir arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

and today is.......

a cranky day.
I am PISSED OFF AT EVERYTHING.
Why would God let this happen? Why not just get my period rather then toying with my emotions. I had JUST allowed myself to be happy about it on Tuesday when I got my numbers in. Then cause I let myself be happy and excited I started to bleed.
Where the HELL does it say this is fair! Cause this is CRAP. It was a "club" I never wanted to be a part of. Now that I am, even if it was only 5.5 weeks it was still a baby. I can get a picture to prove it. But I am thinking no one is gonna argue Miss. Bitchy.
Now that this has happened I can ALMOST relate to others that have had it happen to them. I say almost cause you can never fully understand the pain and hurt of each specific person. And to think this happens to 50% of pregnancies! grr....

Quite possibly one of the worst days of my life

So Phil and I decided to have another baby. We got pregnant the first month again. Although it was a hard start, to the point where I got tests done to make sure I was pregnant.
So the first HCG test results were a 7. Then on the next friday, as in this last past Friday, I got my levels at 38 and a positive test. Good signs. Sunday another positive test. Then last night my world went spiraling down.
I started to bleed. Went to the ER. Cervix was still closed so it was a 50/50 thing still as to whether or not I would lose the baby. Today still bleeding and found out my HCG levels from last night went down to a 13. I am miscarrying.
This sucks BAD. It so isn't fair. I am being torn a part. This is something I NEVER wanted to experience. I have an ultrasound tomorrow just to confirm what I already know. There is a very big nieve part of me that hangs on to the false hope that everything will be ok. But I am only fooling myself.
I am praying for God's strength cause God knows I don't have it myself. This is really breaking my heart. I may delete this post but apparently you are supposed to talk about it. So 5.5 weeks in I lose the baby. WHY GOD! WHY!!!!!!
I am angry, frustrated, confused etc.....
sigh

A friend passed away tonight.

Marg Duncan. Please pray for her family.
I go to post on my blog here and I see my title "A joyous life" but I can tell you it doesn't feel too joyous right now. At 5 o'clock tonight my friend passed away from her cancer. DAMN CANCER. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, cancer. I am feeling angry. I am telling myself I wasn't a good enough friend. I should have kept in contact more. I should have known she was in the hospital.
I was laying in bed trying to find the words to pray. I can't find them. They are gone. I know in my heart that she is no longer in pain but it still hurts.
This is hitting really close to home for me. I lost a friend 10 years ago to cancer. So now thinking about Marg has got me thinking about Duke. Reliving that terrible moment. Reliving everything. I know this is going to be hard for some to read and it is even harder for me to type but I have to get this out.
It's not fair. Why is there cancer? Why?? STUPID CANCER!
My heart is aching. I am going to try to put on a smile and just push this all aside. I don't want to relive moments. I watched the sunset tonight and I thought of how beautiful it must look from Heaven. How Marg must be enjoying it. Pain free.
I am glad she is pain free but I think of all the people that are in pain from her passing. She was a wonderful and thoughtful woman. She always encouraged me. She loved my poetry. She lifted me up when I was down. But I wasn't there to lift her up. Thank goodness Someone with stronger hands was. Cause I am too weak. Much too weak.

This hurts......it hurts bad......just as I think I am done crying the tears fall again.....

Rest in Peace Marg. You are a great and lovely person. I will miss you. I love you. I am sorry I didn't say it more. I love you.

Why is it.....

that when you want to sleep the kids WON'T sleep!!
I am so frustrated and I just want to nap. But of course neither child will today. I am cranky and snappy.
NOT A GOOD DAY. I just want to crawl into bed and hide.

feeling attacked

now I get how some bloggers feel like they are being attacked. I was asked to join a group on facebook. I joined then I left after thinking about it. Thinking that I am not so sure that a child should be on facebook.
then I got THIS in my face book email.....
"You are an idiot to leave the group..Maybe you should have thought harder before joining the group..So what the kid has facebook what did you have to rethink about that!!! STUPID"

so I am being called an idiot and STUPID. So what gets me is how childish this really is. I responded saying that it was uncalled for and childish on their part. That I was going to be rejoining the group anyway cause I feel that a child should be able to keep in contact with family. Then I decided against it again. I have my reasons and I am entitled to them. Just didn't think I would be attacked for it!!
NICE!!!!

May 1.......

was Phil's 30th Birthday!!!!

I can't believe he is 30 already. Makes me feel old. But anyway Happy Birthday to Phil. A great Husband and Father.

Psalm 46:10

"Be still, and know that I am God"

I am trying and failing.....

with a toddler EVERY DAY is eventful!!

what a day today! Sue and I went out to Coquitlam to go to Old Navy. I was on the hunt for pants for Phil. So we shopped most of the afternoon. Cooper was VERY well behaved. Then I decided to go by a bathing suit store (BIG mistake on my part. I should never go into those.) But anyway......
both Sue and I saw Cooper hiding in among the bathing suits. We figured he was pooping. We were right. LOL! So we walked over to the washrooms to change his bum. Slight problem, there were no diapers in his back pack. So I check my purse only to remember I took them out the other day because I was going out by myself and didn't need to carry them. DANG! Not even the type of poop you could shake into the toilet. So I remembered the diaper bag in the car so we went out there. Only to realize it was an empty diaper bag. No change of clothes or anything. NO DIAPERS! I couldn't let him sit in it.
So being a mom I improvised.....I found a maxi pad in the diaper bag. PERFECT! LOL!!! So I put it on him then Sue handed my his winter hat. I put it over top of that and tied it the best I could around his waist. Then I put his pants on while Sue took a plastic bag and put it over the car seat to catch anything. Dreading the trip home but he was none the wiser. And the pad soaked it right up and there were no leaks! Maybe I should write the company. LOL!!

On the way home he was talking to us and calling us and trying to show us pictures from his book. I told him, "Cooper honey, Auntie Sue and I cannot see what you are pointing at right now. So please stop."
Sue turns to me and says "good luck with that. I remember when my boys....." then IN FLIES A BOOK!!!
Cooper threw the book from the back to up front so we could look. The timing was PERFECT. Here mom, now you can see. We laughed for like 10 minutes. Both Sue and I were sore!! I couldn't even give him trouble cause we were laughing too hard. And he is rear facing passenger side. So he flung the book over his head and it hit my hand. I have one smart kid there. I am screwed!! LOL!!!

a devotional from this morning

I find myself thinking I need to follow this.



2008/04/21


Become a Quick Listener
by Rick Warren

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry ….” James 1:19 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

The Bible says we should be quick to listen. There are three things that generally hinder our ability to hear what others are saying:

1) Presumption – This is when we think we already know what the other person is going to say; yet, the Bible says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and hisshame.” (Proverbs 18:13 NIV)

2) Impatience – This is when you interrupt and jump to conclusions: “There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.” (Proverbs 29:20 NLT)

3) Pride – This is when we become defensive and unteachable: “The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15 NIV)

What does this mean?

Let me suggest three HEARING AIDS:

· Listen with your eyes – Research suggests that about 80 percent of communication is non-verbal.Our facial expressions and body language tend to tell the real story.

· Listen with your heart – Be sympathetic.Tune in to the emotions behind the words.

· Make time to listen to the people around you – You show people how much you value them when you take time to listen. Imagine how your home or where you work might be transformed if you make an effort to be “quick to listen.”

HAPPY SECOND BIRTHDAY COOPER!!!

Our little boy is officially 2!! Turned two at 6:40am this morning. Was up at 5:45 though...grr....LOL....where has the time gone!!

The day God brought this amazing boy into our lives:


First Birthday


This morning

how's THAT for prayer!!

So today is Cooper's 2nd birthday party. The weather has been pretty gross the past little while. We had about a week of sun then it went right back to rain. So myself and a few other people have been praying non stop for nice weather.
I in specific have been praying that the weather be dry on friday, yesterday, so that the grass is dry on Saturday for the kids to have an easter egg hunt. Then prayed for a beautiful sunny day for today.
Guess what I woke up to! SUN!!! There are only whisps of clouds in the sky. You know, the ones that God puts there just to decorate a bit more. ;) Yesterday was partly sunny with no rain. So we have a nice dry day today.
HOW IS THAT FOR PRAY!!
God is so darn amazing! In my heart I knew that he would do it and to see it like this today just makes my heart swell with pride for having such an awesome Father.

Thank you God for such an amazing day. Thank you for a look into your splendor and for answered prayers. Thank you for this opportunity to tell non-belivers about the power of prayer.
Amen

My family is all non believers on my side. Except for my oldest younger brother (got that?) So to me I see this as an opportunity to slide in, yep, the power of prayer. When they mention how beautiful it is. Always given opportunities to praise Him!! Pictures to come!! Now hopefully the day will go smoothly!

oh and by the way....it is supposed to go back to rain the rest of the week, with even a chance of snow flurries on Wednesday!!

a bit of a sad reality thrown at me today

I was talking on the phone with my mom the other day. She mentioned how she was in need of a job. She said she really can't get anything because she is not educated and has no other training. OUCH!
That is when it kind of hit me. I have no post secondary education. I would really like to get my Child Passenger Safety Technician (CPST) certificate. It will cost about $300 but at least it could make me money. I could work somewhere. But it got me thinking, oh crap....what am I going to do.
I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and I LOVE it. I look forward to being there for my kid and their plays, field trips, etc. But what happens when my kid(s) are out of school and we are on our own. Empty nest. What kind of job could I get?
A little dose of reality for me. Still though I don't want to change being a SAHM. Plus I am comfortable in the fact that right now I am right where God wants me to be. Right where He needs me and thinks I am best suited for. I have a LONG time before I really have to worry or anything but it was just a bit of a check for me. Guess it will just have to be something God shows me when the time comes.....

it's been one of those weeks.....

or should I say months???
sigh.....

Just been feeling really down.
Cooper in and out of the hospital for a week. Then I guess I finally had my breakdown with that. Then I went to do laundry for a friend and wrecked that. I shouldn't do things for other people!!
Then I tried to clean up blueberry stains. I used fantastik but didn't realize it had bleach in it. Now my carpet has bleach stains. Can you say bye bye to the damage deposit.
Went to make dinner last night but went to do it too late and had to do something else. Went to make dessert bought the wrong pears. Then forgot the sugar so had to sprinkle it on top.
Having issues with my self image lately too.
Then this morning I realized that I messed up a receipt for my daycare parents back in December and that has screwed up the rest of the year.
Can I just go back to bed and never come out!!!

The Book Meme

I was tagged by Krumply


The Book Meme:
1. Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

1) guess the all about tractors book that my son has doesn't count. LOL. So I grabbed "Alpha: Questions of Life"

2)"All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (acts 2:2-4)
It had happened. The promise of the Father had been fulfilled.

now to tag 5 people. Not sure if five even read my blog!!! I tag: Lori, Michelle, Sue, Biscotti Brain, and Rod.

Pictures of Cooper in the hospital

it was hard to take pics of him in the hospital and I must admit that it felt weird. Usually it is just happy things that we take pics of. But this too was a part of his little life.

We called this Cooper's cage. Any child 4 and under had to be in one due to insurance issues.


Phil brought him a balloon and a toy car. He was feeling better so he was sitting up watching Blue's Clue's and playing.


Than Auntie Sue and Uncle Dennis stopped by. She played with him and he was excited to be standing to play. He crashed shortly after. I couldn't resist the bum shot. This was the smallest gown they had at a size 6.


Feeling better. Sunday morning getting to eat real food. He was eating all he could.


Then it was discharge time. He got out of there yelling bye as fast as he could. These balloons are from the ladies on my birth board. Really sweet of them. The car balloon is from daddy of course. LOL.

on high alert!

Phil and I are so antsy. If you happen to read my comments you may have caught that Cooper was back in the hospital. We went back cause he was throwing up again. He was dehydrated again and was readmitted.
He stayed there for another two nights. The pediatrician told us this morning that "IF" he throws up again we are supposed to go straight back to the ER. I have had my fill, as has Cooper and Phil, of poor Cooper getting pinned to have blood drawn. Pinned to have an IV put in.
I spent every night and day with him. That has worn on me too. The nurses came in every two hours to check his vitals and the IV went off every two hours. So there was no sleep.
Cooper's belly right now is ROCK HARD. So then the worry is that is he gonna puke or poop. LOL.
There was a little girl next door to us in the room who would SCREAM bloody murder as her mom stepped out to go to the bathroom or brush her teeth. Well Cooper had enough of it. So here is this little girl YELLING then Cooper at the top of his voice says "NOOO!!!" Then the little girl started up again JUST as Cooper was falling asleep. This made Cooper mad. So he banged his head and arms on his bed and went "grrrrr" and then "NOOOO!!!"
It was so funny. Our kid knows what he does and doesn't like. Haha....
but anyway both Phil and I are hoping that Cooper really does NOT barf. Sigh....

we're home!!

from the hospital after 2 nights there and being admitted Monday evening.

There is so much to say......

what an ordeal. So be prepared this will get long.
By 3pm on Monday Cooper had thrown up 6 times and was not holding down ANYTHING. So I took him to the doctor's. Went to a walk in clinic cause I was worried about dehydration. So while at the office he threw up 2 more times. That was 8 times in 11.5 hours. The doc looked at him and said that he wanted us to head to the ER cause he was dehydrated. He called the Pediatrician and she was supposed to meet us there.

So his gives us all the paper work and we head to the hospital. We sign him in then sit down. Remember when the kids were newborns and how floppy they were? This was Cooper. So in walks the ped she smiled at me and said, I will be right back to get you guys. So she came back with our paper work and took us in immediately. She checked him out and did confirm that he was indeed dehydrated and what made her the most nervous was how unresponsive and lethargic he was. So she admitted us. They came to give him an IV. THAT WAS HEEEELLLLLLL!!!! I literally had to lay ON TOP of him to keep him still as they fished in the left hand for a vein. The vein didn't work so we had to do it again in the other hand. The hardest part was seeing our sons blood on the floor from the IV. It wasn't much but it was still enough to make both Phil and I sick. So I am laying on him keeping him still and he is SCREAMING people are walking by and I finally snapped, can SOMEONE close those curtains!!!

So once the IV was in he TOTALLY wiped out. Couldn't wake him for the life of us. He was conked right out. THen the nurse came from upstairs and took us up to peds. I put him in the bed. No movement. Lots of cuddles with mommy this week. I loved it and it really made me feel like I was all he wanted. Cause I was. The ped came back in Yesterday morning and checked him out and we started giving him fluids. She said that they would lower the IV amount and then go from there. So my poor mom was holding him and he coughed. I spun to grab the bucket cause I knew the sound by now! And I missed it. He threw up all over her. I felt so bad. So needless to say we were not going anywhere.

He was good all night last night and held down lots of fluids and 1/2 of a popsicle. (sp?) So we were sent home. He is now sitting on the couch with a HUGE smile on his face watching Cars.

I think I am closer to understanding how parents have to deal with being with a sick child. It was impossible to get sleep with the buzzers going off. The nurses coming and going doing their thing and the other kids crying. I stayed the whole time at the hospital. They had a cot for me. I almost broke down a couple times but had to put up the front and be strong for Cooper. I am sure that it will hit soon but for right now we are glad to be home.

If you read this far, thank you. HUGS

my first baby is gone

My calico Shelby just went to a new home. Turns out I am allergic to her and my asthma was getting worse. So she had to go to a new home. The guy that picked her up seemed really nice and genuine. Plus she let him near her. If you knew her you would know what a accomplishment that is in itself.
Bye Shelby. I am so sad...

What God sees

I think it is going to be a usual ocurance for me. Just like depression you have highs and lows when it comes to following Christ. At least that is what I feel sometimes.
For example, tonight I have been wondering if I still look like I am happy. If I still give off that glow that only God provides. I worry that my light has dimmed. I worry that it is going to go out.
Then God interveins....
A lady at Alpha tonight approached me. I have seen her before. I don't remember her name or anything but I do remember her from the retreat and that she came to Christ over that retreat. She approached me and I tell you it was just like God was speaking to me through her!
She told me how she just has to say that she sees a difference in me. She said that when she first saw me at Alpha I seemed very reserved and quiet. (Yeah stop laughing) Not sure of if I should be there or not. She went on to say that lately, since the retreat mainly, she has seen a sparkle. She said I am always smiling. That I always seem so happy. I told her that her timing couldn't have been any more perfect. She said, well there you go an observation from a stranger. I said, no a point from God. I thanked her.
I wonder if I will always have that sense of whether or not I am doing good enough. To be told that I am always smiling is so nice to hear. That is the old me. The me that I actually liked. The me that people mostly remembered. Besides the me that used to also get frustrated too easily. Maybe I am coming back to this smiley person I once was. Maybe all hope isn't lost.
As Alpha comes to a close in a few weeks it kind of breaks my heart. I have made some good friends there. I hate loosing people. I think I take it hard. Sure I barely know these people but we have been through so much. Will it feel like an empty void? Will those relationships still be there? Then I start thinking about all my relationships and friendships and I thank God. Faithful friends. Friends who tell me they love me, that I matter. Friends who make time for me. I guess just cause you may not talk constantly doesn't mean you are gonna lose one another. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I believe God has brought these people into my life and me into theirs for reasons I have yet to know. But they will be revieled in time. I am sure of it.
God sees the friendships and blesses them. I am so thankful. Friends that have been there for years and let me cry with them. Friends that have been a listening ear no matter how much I feel lost. Thank you, I hope you know who you are.
God sees what I need in my life before even I know what it is. Thank goodness He is in control of my life cause I have no clue what I am doing!
I guess this is a ramble. But to be told I am always smiling makes me feel like I am doing something right and makes me thank God. Makes me realize that yes He is my Father, yes He won't leave me. Yes He loves me and is proud of me. I long to feel proud of. I hear people say that about their children and it makes me smile. There is meaning behind it. I want Cooper to know that. Maybe God is wanting me to know that. He is proud of me. Thank God I must be doing something right.
New chapters are hard to write but God has the pen. Not me. I will be going to the next Alpha. Maybe I can be that light for someone else. If someone sees it now it gives me hope that I am a changed person. That I am in Christ. That I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I really hope I made some sense.....going to bed now.....

"It looks good on you"

that is what a friend of mine said to me last night after I shared my testimony about receiving the Holy Spirit.
In my stupidness I was like what does? My haircut? My smile? She said, I don't know how to explain it but the light. She said something along those lines. I thought she was talking about something physical to do with me. Turns out she was talking about how I "look" now that I have opened my heart and received the Holy Spirit.
To tell you the truth this moment when she said that it looked good on me was the only time I never thought that 'no it doesn't' or 'I am too ugly to have something look good on me'
I said thank you. I hope to keep this new "look" I feel so much lighter. Some times I am unsure of what to do in the moment where I get lost and just don't know how to pray or what to say.
I just catch myself saying, "God help".
So then if it is the light that my friend sees in me then maybe just maybe I can help to be the light to the world. To those I meet. Maybe just maybe they will want to know what makes me shine. Oh what a day that would be when I get asked and I can answer in one word, "JESUS!!"

Hard Hearts

It wasn't until the Alpha retreat that I realized that I really, truly had a hard heart. I asked people for prayer. Prayer to get back to God, to get closer to God. I am thankful for my dear friends that were so consistent in prayer for me. I would share that I felt separated by God at the Alpha meetings. Little did I know how separated.
I knew that I "stepped" away from God and there was no one to blame but myself. But what I didn't know and didn't realize was that I had actually built a wall around my heart. One that had to be torn down.
In reading John I found myself getting frustrated at those people that Jesus were trying to teach. How many times did He have to explain who He was? How many times did He have to say "I am." How many times did those people have to question. Then I realized I was one of those people. I may not have questioned who He was. But I wasn't letting him in.
In a painting I saw it depicted Christ standing on the outside of a home, outside a door. There was no handle on the door. Christ was waiting for someone from the inside to let Him in. He says, "I Knock and wait for you to answer" or something along those lines, I am not great at remembering versus. "seek and you shall find". Sure you can find but you really have to be the one to open that door. I was seeking, I was looking but yet I was standing there with my hand over the door knob, hesitant to let Him in. Yet He kept knocking. How many times did He have to knock? Were His knuckles sore and bleeding from banging on the door? Was He tired and ready to give up? Was He cold and wet standing on the outside?
All I know is that when I finally allowed that door to open He came flooding in and weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt free. I felt joyful. He kept knocking. Why? Why not give up on me? Cause He put down his life for me and He was not about to just give up on who He loves.
Unlike an earthly Father. He is not going to leave me. I have a hard time telling people that I love them. It has been a process but I have started to let people in, tell them how I feel. That I do in fact love them. Yes, I know I may end up getting hurt but it doesn't matter. For as long as they are in my life they will know that they are loved.
I had a very hard heart. A solid oak door. Thank God that He kept knocking. That He kept waiting outside that door for me to just let Him in. He didn't barge in. He waited until I was ready. I would like to say that my heart is no longer hard. I raised my hands in worship today. Can't tell you the last time I did that. I had opened my bible for the first time in almost 2 years to just really read.
Just like those ignorant people that Jesus first tried to teach I kept waiting. Kept wanting the answers. Then realized it was all in front of my face. That HE was there all along. That He was not going to give up and it didn't matter how long it would take but He would keep knocking. Keep longing for my heart. I just hope I don't ever close that door on Him again. The way I feel now is one that I want to treasure. Like skipping down the street wanting to shout it out with Joy. Sure there are questions but rather then let that get me down I realize, there always will be. There is always One willing to sit down and have a coffee with me and just talk. Thank you God.

what is my problem!

I find myself getting envious over the littlest things lately.
Old pictures of myself. Not doing enough mom like stuff. Not sewing enough. Not doing this or doing that....
this is SO NOT what God would want. He would want me to be happy where I am and with who I am. I feel stressed over finances. I have been praying over and over to let that stress leave me but am now wondering if maybe I am praying for it but not actually letting it go. Know what I mean?
I had a tremendous weekend. I don't want this day to day life crap to get me down. We talked about this before the retreat ended. How it would be hard to get back to our day to day life full of stresses. The retreat was nice cause you were surrounded with Christians. My life consists of mostly Christian friends and those that are not, does not mean I love them any less.
So now to turn on a dime.....
let's be thankful for what I have. I may miss stuff here but it is worth a shot...

An awesome God that gave His only son for ME. although I am not worthy.
A wonderful husband who provides for us.
A beautiful and healthy smart son.
A roof over my head
A mother in law who is baking me cookies cause I need to take something to moms group
Food in my belly
Sunny day
A car that runs
Healthy
Friends that love me
Warm shower
A working washer and dryer
Inlaws that come over during my stressful time and fix said washer
Cooper having people in his life that love him.
A God that loves my son MORE then I do. (hard to imagine)
Being alive.
Having the Holy Spirit


there. That is good for now. Stop dwelling on the things that are bugging me and focus and pray about the stuff that I am thankful to have. My problem? I am human. My solution? I am God's child and I can lean on Him. Thank you God!!

What an AMAZING weekend!!!

HOLY SMOKES is all I have to say!! Well I will have more but let's start with that. Pre-warning this is gonna be long!

I will be honest and tell you that I was hesitant from the begining to go to Alpha. I was even more hesitant to go to the retreat as some of you may remember. But I am SO glad that I went. On Friday night I had a breakdown cause I missed Cooper. I cried. I also expected to feel "different" from the moment I walked into the camp. So I was saying to my friends that I was frustrated because I felt no different, besides wanting to cry cause I missed Cooper. I was disappointed that the moment I got there and that night I felt no different.
I was one of those people that didn't expect to come home and be all like "whooooooaaa" (like one of my friends Steve put it) but look at me sitting here typing all giddy like just to explain this.
Saturday morning I still felt no different and was saying that again. Like, what is the deal. I still feel the same. Can anyone say HARD HEART!!! Then we had breakfast. The meals are another post in itself. AMAZING meals!! Near the end of the meal I started to shake. I thought it might have been too much cinnamon spread (lots of sugar). I went outside to take some pictures. The scenery was amazing. The shaking just wasn't stopping. So we went into the meeting room to watch the first of three Nicky Gumble videos that day. I was sitting there and the shaking got worse. Then the head spinning and dizziness. Followed by nausea. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I barely made it through the first video. Then I went to the pastor and asked if I could watch the second video on my free time. He suggested I actually read the book. Then I told him what was going on. He then asked "can we pray for you" I said, not in front of everyone. Then he asked if he could just grab one more person then they could pray for me. I hesitantly said ok. So we went outside with another lady and they put their hands on me and started to pray. While they were praying the shaking got worse as did the dizziness and the wanting to throw up. But then there was something new. The back of my neck was HOT. So I chalked it up to not feeling well and went back up to my bunk and cried cause this was so weird feeling. I was determined to lay down and not come down for the rest of the day. I will miss lunch and the group discussion but it is ok. I was in bed and was NOT coming out. I looked at my watch before I fell asleep and it was 10am.
Then I heard voices, looked at my watch and it was 11:15 so I did fall asleep. Group discussions started at 11:30. I battled with whether or not I would go down. But something in me told me to go. So I went down. We sat in our groups and talked about the Holy Spirit. Gina, a friend of mine in the group, told me that I looked different that my eyes had a shine and a light to them. I was like, whoa! Cool.
Then later that day we watched video number three. Nicky talked about how some people when they receive the Holy Spirit get all warm or hot in areas. A little light went on! I received the Holy Spirit! I was having a spiritual battle. I went up to the cabin and on the way back down looked around and saw no one so I did a little skip and jump. LOL. I was sharing with my group and they said that they did notice a difference. I think that Gina has a gift to notice the Holy Spirit or something. Cause she was mainly the one to see it then even noticed it more in two other members. Our group was really touched by God this weekend. I was happy and giddy again. I felt lighter. I missed it.
That night I got up and shared my testimony. That was REALLY hard but I am glad I did it. The next day during communion I ended up breaking down and I could only say "I am sorry God. I am sorry. Forgive me." It was my fault I walked away from God. I don't want to do it again. This needs to be the start of something new.
Now, if you read this far thank you. Here is a special treat. A picture from Saturday morning. The day my life changed yet again!!

Saturday morning:


My group. Had some with me in it but I didn't like it. LOL. So....can you guess who the one is that kept us laughing? ;)

well I am off

tomorrow morning that is.....
I am actually looking forward to this retreat. I am worried about how I will do away from Cooper but I totally trust Phil.
Phil is going to get my washer put in. My other one broke last week so I have been without a washer. NOT FUN!! There was some juggling around to do for people to watch Cooper cause it turned out Phil works on Sunday for a bit. But my neighbours agreed to watch him. SO SWEET!!
I am looking forward to reconnecting with God. I am looking forward to not getting up at 6:30, watch I will anyway cause it is so routine. I am looking forward to taking pics. I have enjoyed the alpha program thus far. I am glad I didn't quit. I am out of my comfort zone. There were 6 other people there from my church at my one table so I felt ok with it. I at least knew people. All 6 dropped out. So I am by myself. That knocked down one whole side of the table. But I decided to stick with it and that I had to do it for me rather then being there cause I knew people. Most importantly I had to do it for God.
So if I could ask for a little prayer for my family that would be awesome. Here goes nothing......Stepping out of my comfy box.....

He said his name!!

He did it! Cooper said his name! Phil and I were jumping up and down cause we have been looking forward to this for so long. He said it very clear too! Guess our reaction was a little pathetic. LOL

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY SAMARA!!!

Niiiiiiice!!!

My washing machine just broke. Complete with a load of diapers in it. I have 10 diapers to get me through the next ten nights. Sure it happens to be one of the THREE things we own in this darn apartment. Plus I am trying to vacuum but Cooper and the other boy keep dumping toys everywhere. I pick those ones up and they dump out more in another area. My shoulder is killing me from wringing out the diapers then emptying the washing machine of water. It would not even spin to empty the water. Sigh....I asked Phil if God thought this was funny then I took it back cause I know bad things don't come from God. sigh......

The Alpha Course

I am attending the Alpha course at a local church named Northview. It is Wednesday nights. Last night I only knew the people in my group, no one from my church was at the table and I felt rather alone. One of the hosts moved over though and sat beside me. She seems pretty nice.
One thing about me that most people will scoff and argue is that I am a shy person. Until you get to know me. I am especially shy when I am in groups where I really don't know anyone.
There is a weekend away retreat coming up. It is apparently the turning point in the course. I am still hesitant on going. For a few reasons.
1) money
2) leaving Cooper for the first time and it being ALL WEEKEND!
3) not knowing anyone
4) Phil works super late Friday night, so who will watch Cooper

now I have been talking to Phil and Sue. Plus the people at the course. I must admit they are ALL making it hard to say NO.
1) it can be paid for by Northview
2) Phil is a great father and I trust him. But can I handle it!
4) one of the ladies told me that she will go for walks with me and hang out with me. That the cabins are unisex. That all the ladies stay in a bunk of like 12 other ladies and the men stay in seperate rooms and bunks. Even if they are married. Plus I could go home if I needed to. But should I take the bus and try to have fun?
5) My mother in law will watch him I am sure of it.

I am just trying to come up with excuses not to go. It really doesn't seem to be working. The host from my group will get back to me to let me know what is going on. I have this week to decide. My gut is flip flopping. Another thing I think about is the opportunity to take some amazing pictures. I always seem to be able to find God in those moments. I don't know what to do. But then again. I seem to be the only one telling myself not to go.
just had to write it out..............

Purpose Driven Life quote

"Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit – you choose. (Proverbs 18:21 MSG)"

Photography blog

So after much humming and hawing and fiddling with it I think may be happy with my new blog. I have a photography blog. Feel free to check it out here.

blogging

to be honest I haven't really been "up to" blogging lately. But I try to remember to read blogs.
Through Sue I found the pioneer Woman. I must admit she is very funny. I enjoy her play on words and looking at her photography. This woman is amazing at taking photographs. I hope to get that good one day.
As of right now I have a photoblog in the works. I would like to do a website but there are a few reasons I don't do it.
a) I am no where near good enough
b) I am just learning
c) not sure if there would be enough interest

so for now the blog will be the one I am doing. I so badly am trying to learn how to take better photos. Also learning how to use my manual mode on my camera. Yes I do want a DSLR but my camera is a great camera and I have seen many photos that look awesome with a point and shoot. Although my camera is a point in shoot it also has great potential and allows me to work in manual mode.
anyway....getting off the topic.....
what was the topic?
oh yeah....blogs
so I will be trying to get back into reading the blogs I enjoy. I will post my photography blog when I have it more figured out. But I suggest you head over to Pioneer Woman's site. I think you will get a kick out of it as much as I have and be amazed at her work as much as I am. I can not imagine being away from neighbours and stuff but to be honest I think it would be cool to be around horses. To drive cattle. Cool! Happy blogging and enjoy the reading.

Frustrated

I have been sick for far too long. At LEAST a month now. I am really starting to get very frustrated and discouraged.
Today is one of those days I wish I could call in sick but Cooper is sick too. I was feeling good for ONE day then started having a coughing fit and then it just never went away. Now I sit here with a slight fever, 99.3*F, pressure in my sinuses and waiting for the daycare boy who also has this cold. I cried cause I just want to go to bed. Cooper doesn't have a fever this morning but he had one for most of the day yesterday. The highest it went was 101.7
I just want to be better. I was told that I may have asthma. So now I have to get an inhaler. I am seeing double today. I don't want the daycare boy but at the same time Cooper and him entertain one another. There is a method behind my madness. The daycare boy has the same cold.
Phil can't be home cause then we loose money. Sigh....had to vent. I am just so frustrated. I feel fat, ugly and sick. When is it gonna end!

Plus there is a lot I can't take due to my medical related allergies. Sigh......

ooooooooo

OUCH!!!

we were just grocery shopping. Cooper was toting around the green box. This lady was oooing and awing at him. Then we were in the same line up and she said, so when is your next one due?

Surprise

I am so upset. I am still crying. That hurt. I have NEVER been asked that. She felt super bad. I zipped up my coat and she said, you don't have to button up due to my stupidity. I lied and said we were going outside anyway. I fought real hard not to cry in the store. Then once we were in the car and driving away I cried. In the store I was telling her it was ok and that she was fine. Then cried on the way home. Phil just kept his hand on my knee. I am SO upset. Boycotting food now I swear!

Isaiah 40:31

got this from a friend today
"31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

thanks for the reminder

I can talk the talk

but I sure as heck can't walk the walk.
well so I think anyway.

I have had someone say to me, a couple actually, that I seem to have the right words and that my faith is so strong. I have had people tell me they were jealous of my ability to have the Faith and to believe like I believe.
Yeah sure, I have the faith and I do believe but I really don't think I am walking the walk. I can talk about knowing God and the Godly way to do things but lately walking that way is actually proving difficult and is showing me at a stand still.
I do believe in my heart. I do trust in my heart so why do I feel so lonely. Why do I feel like I don't. Like I just don't get it. I don't feel that joy and that happiness I used to feel.

The sermon on Sunday was about emmersing ourselves in God and His work. I can't repeat it word for word cause I suck at that. What I can tell you is that I had TWO anxiety attacks and the strong urge to get up and run. The head singer was praying and was very vulnerable about God being the only one for us. The only answer out of the situations we were in. I felt very uncomfortable. I don't know if it was cause of her vulnerability or if it was my lack of vulnerability. But I do know that I looked for ways out. Looked for a way to run.
Years ago when I got these anxiety attacks I felt like I had more support. I had someone to pray over me and stand with me and take the attack away. Make the battle less. That person is not there anymore. That breaks me heart. I know I have friends that support me and pray for me. It just doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am longing for that person back in my life or if I need that strength that they showed. I don't have that relationship I thought I once had.
The panic took over me. The legs started to bounce and my arms went and crossed across my chest. That way I was in my own world. No one could get in. If I kept my arms crossed I didn't have to talk to people or get up and great. I did not get up and great. The weakness I felt and the battle that was ripping at me was too strong. Then there was the battle to not allow myself to cry. Cause emotion is weakness. I learned today that emotion in fact is very healthy and does not mean that I am weak. Yep, I can talk the talk with that one too. But I can't walk the walk. I still don't show the emotion. I tell others it is ok to cry but I can't do it. It is different. MISTY can't cry, can't feel, can't be human. I have to be strong.
I don't get how I show my faith. Or how people feel like I have a strong trust cause I don't feel it. I feel very alone and disconnected from God. I have been not allowing people in. I haven't been reaching out. I have not had made the time to get to know other mothers, other people or to make friendship. I just kind of run out of church.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I asked for prayer yet again and got some response but I still feel like my prayer requests and my life are minimal compared to everyone else's.
So what is the talk people are seeing? What is this faith that people see. Cause I can't see it. I can't feel God. I can't see God. I struggle with wanting to get back to Him but at the same time not knowing how to. So I am not walking. I am standing still. Stuck in place once again. Or should I say as usual.
My mind and my heart don't know where to go. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, I believe in Heaven but at the same time I am scared that I won't get a place in Heaven. I am scared I don't know enough or that God may not believe me and there is no place for me. I want His love. I want to feel Him. I want to see Him. I want to learn more about Him. Yet here I stand....unable to walk

I love Cooper's face in this pic

Mommy and Cooper

this was taken the last day of Mom's group before holidays. My camera and setup. I like the pic even though he is not looking at the camera.

time flies

not sure when life started getting so busy!!
Cooper likes to sleep in the big bed at Auntie Sue's house. And lately at home he is wanting to be in a big bed. I am wondering if he feels trapped in the crib. I can understand the play pen cause it is significantly smaller. But the crib is pretty big. I am not ready for him to be in a big bed. wahhhh!!
Cooper says the odd sentence and more words. He is totally a sponge now!! Just now he asked for orange juice. He also will say Thank you mom. So amazing!!

Last night I got a call from Phil saying he was at a gas station. His car COMPLETELY died. He hit something in the road and it broke the oil pan and seized the engine completely. So he has my car. The only thing I can keep thinking is that God has SOME sort of plan. I tried not to panic but got a little anxious.
I got a free month at Curves gym. I am not going as much as I would like to but now without a car I won't go. Cause there is no point putting more miles on my car after Phil already has driven it a total of a hour and a half each day. God has a reason......He has to. So I called ICBC this morning for Phil and get this.....he can claim it but HIS rates will go up. It is claimed as an accident. I said, let me get this straight. Cause there was something wrong in the ROAD my husband has to pay for it!!! and she said yes. Phil said the engine is completely seized so we will have to see what happens. Right now it is somewhere near 264th street on the side of the road.
Christmas is so busy but I really can't wait to see Cooper get into it this year. Cooper has his own little backpack now and he carries his own snack and diapers. Plus a book.
Some pics.....
a John Deere Tractor pillow case I made for Cooper


and funny face in front of the tree


his backpack



oh and there was a firetruck at Walmart. They were doing an inspection and they let Cooper in the driver's seat to check it out. It was dark out and the guy tried to get a good pic with HIS camera. Cause of course I wouldn't have mine just going to walmart. But Cooper has a blast!

Cooper's first big snow day!

After church and nap it was time to go out and play in the snow. Cooper had a lot of fun. He did get mad though cause he could barely walk and it was so deep. LOL. But it was still fun.
Cooper and his friend Josh

Cooper


Phil is the one getting up. Went down the hill. THAT was fun!

How red his cheeks and chin were when we came in.


this pic is from Saturday. The sun behind the clouds while it was snowing!

a couple pics from Sue's house. The bird feeder and a rocking chair.

Chocolate milk says........

NO WAY!! You should have seen my face! LOL!!
we just won a blockbuster rental but still. Never thought I would see it in my lifetime!!

Psalm 121:1-2

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."



This is keeping me hanging on. Day by day. Prayer by prayer. Thank you God.

Stretched thin

sorry to whine but here I go.....

I have been feeling really stretched thin lately. Phil has been working so much, I barely see him. So it is single parenting almost, I seriously DO NOT know how some of you momma's do it. Plus some other things that I don't really want to get into right now.
I have really been praying and asking God to take the burden and stress from me cause there is really no point to stress out. It gets me no where. That in itself is a new, better attitude for me. But I am finding I can't just pray once. It is over and over all day. Everytime it hits me. Plus I am having issues with my faith right now. I know God will provide. He has done it before.
I just feel so thin that I am see through. I need a break. Need a day to myself. (Whine, whine, whine) I need some time with Phil. I love my kid. I love my husband but I am just so worn out. Some days I don't even have the energy to talk. The stress is minute by minute. I will think of something we have run out of and stress again. It is a vicious circle and I am going insane.
We need to get back into the church activities we were a part of and we have been lacking in that itself. Yesterday at church I couldn't even sing. I was singing the words in my head but to sing them out loud was a lot of effort. I try to just plug away and keep going but sometimes I can't hide it. I am starting to get frustrated easily again. Not a very joyous post.....
Just wanted to get it out and ask for prayer.

I'm Sorry

two words that can take the anger right out of the situation.

So I was on my way home from bible study tonight. I was taking my ordinary route. There was a nice SUV next to me and I remember thinking how new it looked and how bright the headlights were and how crisp. Then I looked and thought, wow they light up my lane too. WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
Here comes this SUV RIGHT INTO MY LANE!! He had no signal on or anything. He just started to come into my lane. Maybe he couldn't handle the corner or something but DANG. His front passenger fender was INCHES away from my front drivers side fender.
My heart pounded in my chest as I pounded on the horn, sure that if I didn't he would have kept going into my lane, into me. In Phil's car no less.
So then the guy speeds up. I catch up to him, he was about in his fifties I would guess. I just looked over at him and shook my head. Then looked back at the red light we were sitting at. I felt someone staring at me.
So I look over and he was staring right at me. I raised my hand and shoulder as if saying, "what?" Then I noticed his window was down.
So I reluctantly rolled mine down. You never know now a day. "what?" I rudely snapped.
He says, "I'm sorry"
I said, "thank you"
Then he continued, "have you ever made a mistake in your life?"
sheepishly I said yes.
Then he said sorry again.
I said, "thank you. I appreciate the appology"

then the light went green and we went on our ways. He was much slower now though. I switched lanes in front of him, using my signal and leaving ample room. Then I turned down my road as he went straight down his.
Then this escaped my lips "Lord, I pray that you bless that man. Get him to where ever he is going safely. Just bless him. Amen."
Then I found myself thinking, dang he took all the wind right out of my sail. Just by saying those two little words. I still pray that he is blessed and am grateful that he took the responsibility and apologized for his actions. Makes me think twice of how I react next time someone cuts me off or almost turns into me.
After all, We all make mistakes.

DANG!!

"Forgiveness is having the courage to take down the walls that we think are there to protect us."

-Suztes40

Isolation

I am really bad at it myself. I get hurt and that is it, I just want to isolate from the world and from everyone. My trust gets altered and I feel like nothing can be trusted anymore. I realize how fast things can be stopped, how fast a friendship can be ended.
Quite frankly it scares me and makes me worry that I am at fault. Then I get scared and start to worry more and more about my friends just leaving. Just giving up on me. So instead of allowing myself to get hurt I just isolate myself cause then that way I won't be hurt.
This is so wrong in thinking. I need to trust and keep going. The wall around me feels so safe and secure. So lonely. I love my friends and my family but there are times when I just want to hide from everything. However I keep plugging away. Unfortunately I may push people away that I love. So who's fault would it be for the isolation? Mine and only mine. I have to be stronger and make the effort to not allow myself to isolate. It is hard though.
I will chuckle when talking about something that is bothering me. That is my safety. That way if you see me laugh then you don't know how much I am hurting inside. YOu can't see the tears.
All of this thinking is wrong on so many levels. I need to be the one to correct it. I need to be open to people's ideas and suggestions. I hear them but sometimes I just get scared. oh well I am sure this isn't making sense.
my point? isolating sucks. I really need to work on it. The things that are always so hard to do hurt the most. I am grateful for my friends and family. They love me. The won't abandon. Time for me to stop doing it to them. I am sorry for anyone I push away. Thank you for bearing with me and continuing to love me. All I can do is pray. I feel like I have lost that too. Why is it so easy to push away then it is to come back.

Sunset pictures from yesterday

I am so proud of myself. These needed very little editing and I am getting to understand the manual option on my camera better!